Matthew 21: Jesus gets hangry

When they got to the Jerusalem suburbs, Jesus halted the throng and was all, Look, the prophets said I would ride into town in style. So go take that donkey and her colt a few blocks away and if anyone asks, say “God needs it.” The groupies stole the donkey for Jesus. He mounted and then his followers began throwing branches and jackets down for him to ride on in some sort of ghetto-fabulous royal procession. People came out of their houses to stare at this strange parade, and when they could make themselves heard over the chanting groupies, they were all, What the fuck is this? And the groupies were all, It’s Jesus the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee!

Jesus rode up to the Temple and hulked out. With a roar, he started throwing tables and chairs around, beating up anyone who sold anything–even the sacrificial pigeon seller. People fled. Then the groupies filed in, chanting, Me-ssi-ah! Me-ssi-ah!  and Jesus healed some people. The priests were like, Whoa, guy! What’s all this then?! Jesus smirked and was all, Out of the mouths of babes, as the saying goes.

Inns in the city are always expensive, so Jesus found lodging in one of the suburbs that night. On his way back to town, he realized he had forgotten to grab breakfast, so he went up to a fig tree to get a snack. But, alas, there were no figs. Jesus got hangry and hit the tree, exclaiming, Die! and the tree promptly withered and died. The groupies were amazed, but Jesus said, You got to have faith, faith faith.

They went back to the Temple, and the priests were all, By whose authority are you causing all this ruckus? Jesus was all, I will answer your question if you first answer mine. Did John get the power to baptize from heaven or from humans? The priests were perplexed. They knew if they answered “God,” then Jesus would be, Well why didn’t you follow him? But if they answered “humans,” then that seething crowd of believing groupies would lynch them. So they were all, Um, we don’t know Jesus.

Jesus was all, Then let me tell you a story. A man had two sons, and he asked them to go work at his vineyard. The first son told his dad no, but then felt bad and went and did the work. The second son said, Of course dad, right away! And then stayed in his room playing video games all day. Which son obeyed his father? The priests were all, Clearly the first! Jesus was all, Yep, and in this scenario the prostitutes and thugs that followed John are the first sons and you priests are the lazy, lying second son! Let me tell you another story. There was this other guy who owned a vineyard and he decided to rent it out. When rent was due, he sent his servants to collect it, but the renters beat up one servant and killed the other. So the guy sent some more servants, and the renters killed them too. Then the guy was all, Surely they won’t kill my son. So he sent his son to collect the rent. But the renters were all, If we kill the son, then the property will be ours, right? So they killed the guy’s son. Tell me priests, what should the owner do? The priests were all, Uh, clearly he needs to get those murders arrested, tried, and executed. Jesus was all, Maybe, but those renters were the ones doing all the work. Why should the fruits of their labor be given to the owner? Shouldn’t the workers also possess the means of production? That’s why y’all are doomed in the kingdom of heaven.

The priests and Pharisees left and decided to figure out how to get this marxist trouble-maker arrested.

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