Jonah 4: Jonah gets angry

When God told Jonah to tell everyone that It was appeased, Jonah got pissed. He was all, See! This shit is exactly why I tried to run away to Tarshsish! I knew you’d freaking change your mind and make me look like a fool! Just go ahead and kill me. Death is better than going back into Nineveh.

God was all, Come again son? Are you seriously taking that tone with ME?

So Jonah went off in a huff and set up his tent on the top of a hill so he could watch what happened to Nineveh. While he was sitting there pouting, God made a plant grow up and shade his tent, and Jonah slowly settled down into a comfortable brood.  Continue reading “Jonah 4: Jonah gets angry”

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Jonah 3: Jonah does his duty

Jonah sat up on the beach. God was all, So you gonna head to Nineveh? Jonah groaned and started walking.

Nineveh was a huge city and it took him three days to cross it, spreading his message of imminent doom and destruction. The people of Nineveh took him seriously and put on sackcloth and begged God to forgive them. The king himself put on sackcloth and even proclaimed that every living creature, from human down to cat, needed hold a fast and to put on sackcloth.

God was impressed. It decided to spare Nineveh this time.

Jonah 1: Jonah’s adventures at sea

Jonah ben Amittai was going about his business one day when suddenly God said to him, Go to Nineveh and tell them that their sinning has angered me, so I plan on destroying the city.

Now Jonah wanted no part of this task. He knew how prophets were usually received, and really, who wanted to go on a fool’s errand anyway? So instead he went down to the docks in Joppa and paid passage on a ship headed to Tarshish. Jonah went down to his berth and fell fast asleep–running away from God is exhausting.

While he was sleeping, a mighty tempest arose and the sailors were barely able to keep the ship afloat. While the crew was in the process of throwing all the cargo overboard in the hopes to avoid capsizing, the captain realized that Jonah was still sound asleep. He was all, Dude! How can you sleep?! Look if you ain’t gonna help save the ship, you could at least pray to whatever god you worship to spare us from a watery grave!  Continue reading “Jonah 1: Jonah’s adventures at sea”

Obadiah 1: A prophet of few prophecies

Obadiah had a vision. He had a vision for Edom In his vision, Edom would be destroyed. He told everyone, God has sent me a message for Edom. It says, that even though It loved you because you descended from Esau, who was Jacob’s twin, It will destroy you because you  plotted against Israel and Judah, the descendants of Jacob, and therefore your spiritual…cousins? yeah, cousins. God wants you to know you shouldn’t have done that. Nor should you have mocked and gloated over their misfortunes. God doesn’t approve of schadenfreude. But It does like irony, so know that after you are destroyed, the exiles from Israel will settle the land that was once Edom!

 

(and that’s it. Next time Jonah and the whale!)

Amos 8: Fruit basket

The last recorded message of Amos.

God showed Amos a basket of fruit and was all, Amos, what do you see?

Fruit, Amos answered.

Exactly, said God. The time is ripe for Israel’s punishment. All the sinners and oppressors of the poor will die bloody deaths. They will long for me, but I will ignore them!

 

(And so ends the words of Amos. Next the blessedly short Obadiah)

Amos 7: Woe to those who try to silence critics

Amos told everyone,  God showed me possible futures. First, God showed me a swarm of locusts eating up the harvests and everyone starving. I begged it not to do that to us. So It said It wouldn’t. Then It showed me a wildfire burning up Israel, and again I begged It to please not let that happen. And God said It wouldn’t. Later it showed me a really straight tall wall, and asked, what do you see? And I answered, a wall. And It was, Exactly. This wall means that I will spare Israel no longer. It will be destroyed.

Because Amos went around telling people stuff like this, the priest Amaziah sent a letter complaining to King Jeroboam that Amos was a troublemaker. On the king’s authority, Amaziah told Amos to get the hell out of Israel and go back to Judah. Amos was all, Look, I’m just a shepherd. But God commanded me to come to Israel to tell you all these things. And It tells me I have to stay and continue. So for trying to stop me, God will curse you. Your wife will become a whore and you children will be murdered. Your land will be stolen and you will be sent into exile with the rest of the Israelites.

Amos 6: Woe to the complacent

Woe to the complacent who don’t worry about impending disaster! Who turn blind eyes to the signs of the impending disasters! You say, nothing’s happened yet, so who cares, and continue wallowing in your decadence and luxury! Go! Look at the places that God as destroyed and know who did it!

God says, I absolutely detest your smug pride and I will cause nations to attack and destroy you!

Amos 5: Same old, same old

Amos said, God says to tell you that you’re fucked. It says, Israel’s troops will be decimated. If you seek allies, they will betray you. Your only hope is to turn to the star-maker, me, God. And I’m mad at you because you tax and oppress the poor while you live in luxury. I wish you would repent and stop doing evil. Then I might have mercy. But you won’t. So woe to you! Meeting my anger is like meeting a hungry lion in a dark canyon. I mean, I hate how you worship! All your religious ceremonies disgust me. I can’t stand your hypocritical frippery! You idol worship and betray me. For these reasons, those of you that I don’t kill will be sent into exile.