Ezekiel 8: Come sail away

A little more than a year after God first visited me, and just a few  months after my ordeal with the brick was over, God came again. I was sitting in my house, being consulted by some elders when all of a sudden, God appeared in all Its molten chrome glory! It extended Its fingers, grabbed me by the hair and pulled me into the cherubim vehicle! Then we flew to the Temple in  Jerusalem, where I saw a bunch of priests worshiping one of the idols that filled God with a jealous rage.

I glanced at God, and It was all, That’s not even the worst of it! Dig in that hole over there!

So I dug and found a door that lead to a room filled with idols and bugs and maggots and snakes and pigs and shrimp and every unclean thing–and 70 elders worshiping them! Then God took me to another part of the Temple where a crowd of women were mourning Tammuz, the Babylonian greenman of rebirth and renewal! Finally, It showed me 25 more men worshiping the sun.

Then God said, Human, do you see?! How insulting that the Jews cheat on me in my own house! They all deserve death!

 

Ezekiel 7: The end is nigh

And another time, God said to me, Human, this is my message for the Jews. The end is nigh! I’m pissed and will destroy you. The end is nigh! Pain! Fear! My wrath will pour down! Doom is bursting forth! The end is nigh! Starvation, war, disease will wipe you out! Those unfortunate enough to survive will pray for death! The end is nigh! The end is nigh! I see it, human! You cheating Jews will lose all your precious money because you used it to cheat on me! The end is nigh, and you will know I am God!

Ezekiel 6: Clap your hands

God spoke to me another time and said, Human! Prophesy against Israel! Tell the Jews i will destroy them with war and famine. I will scatter the survivors to the winds! The Jews are cheating cheaters and worship other gods. Go tell everyone this and be sure to stomp your feet and clap your hands while you do so! That way everyone will take you seriously.

Ezekiel 5: A real nice haircut

One day after the year and a half I spent laying down, feeling my body atrophy and rot around me, God’s voice came to me and said, Human, take a sword and shave your head! Then divide the hair into three bunches. Burn the first, cut up the second with the sword, and scatter the third to the winds! But keep some of it and sew it into your clothes. Your hair represents that cheating whore Jerusalem. She will feel my wrath. Her people will starve until parents eat their children and children eat their parents! Exile will scatter those that war does not consume!

Ezekiel 3: Just eat it

Eat it, human! It commanded. So I ate it, and it tasted like honey. Then God said, Human, go to the Jews and give them my messages in plain Hebrew! Don’t fear them. You are as stubborn as they!

Then God beamed me up into the cherubim thing and took me back to Tel Abib where the exiles were refugees. There, I brooded a week but then God spoke to me, in my head, and said, Human! You are now the guardian of the Jews! From now on, you will only be able to speak or leave your house when I permit! And it is now your responsibility to criticize people’s bad behavior! You must tell the wicked that they are wicked, even if they don’t listen. Though they will die for their sins, it is your soul that will be stained! You must warn the righteous to stay that way anytime one of them thinks of slipping. Otherwise, their fall will be on your soul!

Jeremiah 44: But we need a goddess

Being forcibly carried into Egypt by  his compatriots of course didn’t change Jeremiah’s tune. He continued preaching destruction and desolation. In particular he singled out the idolatry of the women who continued offerings and prayers to the Queen of Heaven, hallowed by her name, be it Asherah, Ishtar, Isis, or Aphrodite. Jeremiah intoned, The cheating on God continues, especially among the women, and for that, you are all doomed to destruction!

The men folk told Jeremiah, Go suck an egg, you old debbie downer! Mind your own business and leave us to tend to our women! If you wanted a wife to boss, you shoulda got married! If God didn’t want our wives to make offerings to the Queen of Heaven, then It should have manifested Itself a feminine version for them!

Jeremiah just raised his eyes and said, You should all renew your vows to God and stop cheating on It, or you’ll be sorry! But because you won’t, you’ve condemned Pharaoh Wahibre Haaibre and all his people to death and destruction at the hands of Nebuchadnezzar!

Jeremiah 17

God continued, Look, Judah is super sinful. Everywhere I look there are Asherim or temples to Baal or who even knows. All this cheating has made me so wrathful your puny little human mind can’t even fathom it.

Jeremiah then prayed, Why have you cursed me with your prophecies, God? People hate me for telling them your messages! Please punish those who persecute me!

God answered, Ok, ok, Jeremiah. I get it. Now, I want you to go down to the People’s Gate in Jerusalem and remind everyone you see about the whole keeping the Sabbath holy commandment and remind them that they’re not supposed to do any work or really even leave their houses. Tell them that if they start keeping the Sabbath, I’ll forgive everything. But–if they don’t…..well, you know.

Jeremiah 16: Don’t get married

One day God told Jeremiah, Look, Jeremiah, I know your mom’s been asking when you’re going to bring home your first wife and give her some grandkids because the neighbors keep asking why a man your age is still single because it’s weird and it’s high time you were settled down and all, but I don’t want you to get married. Or have any kids. They’d just die horrible deaths, so there’s no point in it. Also–and I know everyone’s going to judge you for this too–I don’t want you to go to any funerals or wakes or engage in any mourning rituals. When people ask you why you’re so weird, just tell them it’s because I’ve condemned Judah to pestilence and war. If they ask why, tell them it’s because they’ve cheated on me, and their fathers cheated on me, and their fathers’ fathers cheated on me, and so on…..However….to give them hope, tell them that one day, one future blessed day, after their descendants have learned their lessons, I’ll restore Israel to my favor and the Promised Land.

Jeremiah 11: Death threats

Then God told Jeremiah to go through all the streets of Jerusalem and then to all the smaller cities and remind everyone he met of the covenant It has made with Abraham, Moses, and all those guys, and that anyone who ignored or forsook that covenant was cursed! Doomed!

So Jeremiah traveled about declaring woe and doom, but people didn’t really like it. In fact, it kinda pissed them off. At Anathoth, people even roughed up Jeremiah and told him that he could either stop “prophesying” or they would kill him. This freaked him out pretty bad, so he called on God to help him. God was all, ignore those cats, yo. Their sons will be murdered and their daughters will starve to death.