Hosea 5

Hosea continued, God says you are all doomed! Israel is a cheating whore and God is breaking up with you!

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Hosea 2: Go tell your mother

God said, Hey Hosea, Tell your mother Israel that she is not my girl anymore. Tell her she’s a cheating whore and I’m going to strip her down and expose her to her lovers, the Baals. I’m going to take away all my food and wine and gold and holidays. I’m going to ruin her vines and fig trees….But, then tell her, that after I’ve humiliated and debased her, I’ll take her back. Then she won’t call me by other gods’ names and it will be like the old days back when we met in Egypt.

Daniel 9: Daniel prays

In the first year of Darius’s reign, Daniel realized that the 70 years of exile prophesied by Jeremiah were about up. So he prayed. He prayed, O God, we are a bunch of lowly worms that cheated on you and broke your rules and were punished just like you said we would be. Please forgive us and restore Jerusalem!

Then the angel Gabriel appeared and was all, Yo, Dan, God really loves you and It wants you to know that there are still 70 weeks of punishment left. Then it will take 7 more weeks to rebuild Jerusalem. Unfortunately, after 62 weeks more it will all be destroyed again.

Ezekiel 23: More misogyny

God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”

Ezekiel 22: The reasons why

God told me to judge Jerusalem and to list all the reasons why It was angry and had decided to destroy the city. So I announced to everyone, Jerusalem has been condemned to doom and destruction for these reasons:

  1. The people worship idols, practice polytheism, and all around cheat on God.
  2. The rules are violent and corrupt and the religious leaders find excuses for all of their misdeeds.
  3. Many people openly despise their parents.
  4. People generally treat foreigners badly and they don’t take care of poor women and children and other needy people.
  5. They break the Sabbath and bastardize the rituals God prefers.
  6. People lie and slander in order to incite violence.
  7. Did I mention they cheat on God? It especially dislikes the fertility rituals people commonly perform.
  8. Sons sleep with their fathers’ wives and girlfriends.
  9. Men sleep with women on their periods and that really grosses God out.
  10. Men also sleep with their friends’ wives–some even rape their daughters-in-laws and sisters.
  11. There are hitmen and goons who commit violence for money.
  12. People there loan money at interest and generally make profits from their neighbors’ work.

For these reasons God has decided to destroy Jerusalem and kill or scatter its people.

Ezekiel 20: Judging elders

Did I tell you about the time, in the seventh year of exile, that some elders came to consult with me, and God told me to judge them? God said, Human, judge these men and tell them they’re not worthy! Tell them of Israel’s sins!

So I said to them, I said, God says you are not worthy! You are idolaters like your ancestors! When God brought the Jews out of Egypt, It told us to stop worshiping idols and other Gods. But our ancestors did not! And God thought about smiting them then, but It didn’t because It thought that might look bad and hurt Its reputation. So It gave our ancestors laws and stuff, thinking that might help them worship It right. But not our ancestors! They continued worshiping idols on the side. And God again thought about smiting them, but decided that doing so would probably, definitely hurt Its reputation. So instead It gave us a bunch of bad laws that would make our lives worse. Centuries have passed, and the Jews still worship other gods and idols on the side, and God has had enough! It is breaking up with us and leaving us to our idols! It’s finally going to smite us, reputation be damned!

Oh, and another time, I told everyone that a forest fire would ravage the Negev, and then when word came that it had, everybody was really amazed.

Ezekiel 18: Another dumb proverb

God said, I heard another one of you humans’ stupid proverbs the other day: “Parents eat sour grapes, and their children grimace.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? The children pay for their parents’ stupidity? Where did you guys get that dumb idea? That’s just stupid. Everybody is held accountable for their own actions. If a man is good and follows my laws–if he loves only me,  pays his debts, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t sleep with his friends wives, doesn’t sleep with his own when she’s on her period (ew!)–then he’s gravy! It doesn’t matter if his son is a total shithead who steals, cheats, lies, murders, rapes, or even has period sex! The son pays for his sin, the father is rewarded. And say the son has a son, and that guy is like, I don’t want to be like my father and instead acts like his grandpa, then he’s good too! It doesn’t matter that I punished his father for being sinful! Am I a monster? God asked, spreading Its mighty chrome arms.

I ventured to ask about if people sin some and do good some, but God interrupted: What?! What do you mean that most humans aren’t all bad or all good? Look, I’ll forgive a human who does sin and then asks for forgiveness, but only if he stops sinning. If a human does a lot of good and then sins, none of that good matters. Only the last thing he did counts. I don’t care if humans think that’s fair or not.

Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning

Another time God said to me, Human, let me explain my disgust and anger at Jerusalem in terms you might be able to understand, in human terms. Imagine Jerusalem is a woman, my wife even. Now, imagine that the first time I met her she was just a newborn–like just born, because I found her in a dumpster with her umbilical cord still attached because her unwed mother was ashamed of her half-breed bastard and threw her away. But I felt sorry for the mewling thing and took her out of the trash and cleaned her up and found her a loving foster home.

Later, when she was a pubertal teenager, I saw her budding breasts and the curling hair sprouting on her vulva, and I thought, that’s a flower I’d like to pluck, but I waited a few years, until she was ready for love. And when I fucked her did I just leave her? No! I helped her wipe the blood off and even massaged fragrant oil into the sore places. Then I married her! I gave her beautiful clothes and expensive jewelry. I fed her lobster and champagne whenever she wanted. She was a queen! And when Jerusalem lorded it over my exes, Sodom and Samaria, I said nothing.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning”

Ezekiel 14: Hush, hush

One day some elders came to speak with me, but God started whispering in my ear, saying, These men are wicked heathens who don’t love me right! Tell them!

So I shouted out, God says that any person who consults with any true prophet, like me, who is not truly devout–who lusts after anything more than God–is doomed! Repent Jews and converts! And, if  prophet answers an idolater, will kill him too!

Then I closed my mouth and would no longer speak to the elders. They kept trying to get me to say something to them, but I resolutely held my mouth shut. Eventually, they left in a huff.