God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”
God told me to judge Jerusalem and to list all the reasons why It was angry and had decided to destroy the city. So I announced to everyone, Jerusalem has been condemned to doom and destruction for these reasons:
- The people worship idols, practice polytheism, and all around cheat on God.
- The rules are violent and corrupt and the religious leaders find excuses for all of their misdeeds.
- Many people openly despise their parents.
- People generally treat foreigners badly and they don’t take care of poor women and children and other needy people.
- They break the Sabbath and bastardize the rituals God prefers.
- People lie and slander in order to incite violence.
- Did I mention they cheat on God? It especially dislikes the fertility rituals people commonly perform.
- Sons sleep with their fathers’ wives and girlfriends.
- Men sleep with women on their periods and that really grosses God out.
- Men also sleep with their friends’ wives–some even rape their daughters-in-laws and sisters.
- There are hitmen and goons who commit violence for money.
- People there loan money at interest and generally make profits from their neighbors’ work.
For these reasons God has decided to destroy Jerusalem and kill or scatter its people.
Did I tell you about the time, in the seventh year of exile, that some elders came to consult with me, and God told me to judge them? God said, Human, judge these men and tell them they’re not worthy! Tell them of Israel’s sins!
So I said to them, I said, God says you are not worthy! You are idolaters like your ancestors! When God brought the Jews out of Egypt, It told us to stop worshiping idols and other Gods. But our ancestors did not! And God thought about smiting them then, but It didn’t because It thought that might look bad and hurt Its reputation. So It gave our ancestors laws and stuff, thinking that might help them worship It right. But not our ancestors! They continued worshiping idols on the side. And God again thought about smiting them, but decided that doing so would probably, definitely hurt Its reputation. So instead It gave us a bunch of bad laws that would make our lives worse. Centuries have passed, and the Jews still worship other gods and idols on the side, and God has had enough! It is breaking up with us and leaving us to our idols! It’s finally going to smite us, reputation be damned!
Oh, and another time, I told everyone that a forest fire would ravage the Negev, and then when word came that it had, everybody was really amazed.
God said, I heard another one of you humans’ stupid proverbs the other day: “Parents eat sour grapes, and their children grimace.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? The children pay for their parents’ stupidity? Where did you guys get that dumb idea? That’s just stupid. Everybody is held accountable for their own actions. If a man is good and follows my laws–if he loves only me, pays his debts, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t sleep with his friends wives, doesn’t sleep with his own when she’s on her period (ew!)–then he’s gravy! It doesn’t matter if his son is a total shithead who steals, cheats, lies, murders, rapes, or even has period sex! The son pays for his sin, the father is rewarded. And say the son has a son, and that guy is like, I don’t want to be like my father and instead acts like his grandpa, then he’s good too! It doesn’t matter that I punished his father for being sinful! Am I a monster? God asked, spreading Its mighty chrome arms.
I ventured to ask about if people sin some and do good some, but God interrupted: What?! What do you mean that most humans aren’t all bad or all good? Look, I’ll forgive a human who does sin and then asks for forgiveness, but only if he stops sinning. If a human does a lot of good and then sins, none of that good matters. Only the last thing he did counts. I don’t care if humans think that’s fair or not.
Another time God said to me, Human, let me explain my disgust and anger at Jerusalem in terms you might be able to understand, in human terms. Imagine Jerusalem is a woman, my wife even. Now, imagine that the first time I met her she was just a newborn–like just born, because I found her in a dumpster with her umbilical cord still attached because her unwed mother was ashamed of her half-breed bastard and threw her away. But I felt sorry for the mewling thing and took her out of the trash and cleaned her up and found her a loving foster home.
Later, when she was a pubertal teenager, I saw her budding breasts and the curling hair sprouting on her vulva, and I thought, that’s a flower I’d like to pluck, but I waited a few years, until she was ready for love. And when I fucked her did I just leave her? No! I helped her wipe the blood off and even massaged fragrant oil into the sore places. Then I married her! I gave her beautiful clothes and expensive jewelry. I fed her lobster and champagne whenever she wanted. She was a queen! And when Jerusalem lorded it over my exes, Sodom and Samaria, I said nothing. Continue reading “Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning”
One day some elders came to speak with me, but God started whispering in my ear, saying, These men are wicked heathens who don’t love me right! Tell them!
So I shouted out, God says that any person who consults with any true prophet, like me, who is not truly devout–who lusts after anything more than God–is doomed! Repent Jews and converts! And, if prophet answers an idolater, will kill him too!
Then I closed my mouth and would no longer speak to the elders. They kept trying to get me to say something to them, but I resolutely held my mouth shut. Eventually, they left in a huff.
Then God called out, Come, my vengancers! And six armed men appeared, accompanied by a seventh who carried notebooks and pens. God told the recording angel to go through Jerusalem and put a mark on anyone’s forehead who reprobated their cheating, polytheistic neighbors. Then It told the avenging angels to kill anyone without a mark.
At that command, I fell on my face and begged God to have mercy on the Jews, but It was all, The Jews are cheating whores who deserve death.
A little more than a year after God first visited me, and just a few months after my ordeal with the brick was over, God came again. I was sitting in my house, being consulted by some elders when all of a sudden, God appeared in all Its molten chrome glory! It extended Its fingers, grabbed me by the hair and pulled me into the cherubim vehicle! Then we flew to the Temple in Jerusalem, where I saw a bunch of priests worshiping one of the idols that filled God with a jealous rage.
I glanced at God, and It was all, That’s not even the worst of it! Dig in that hole over there!
So I dug and found a door that lead to a room filled with idols and bugs and maggots and snakes and pigs and shrimp and every unclean thing–and 70 elders worshiping them! Then God took me to another part of the Temple where a crowd of women were mourning Tammuz, the Babylonian greenman of rebirth and renewal! Finally, It showed me 25 more men worshiping the sun.
Then God said, Human, do you see?! How insulting that the Jews cheat on me in my own house! They all deserve death!
And another time, God said to me, Human, this is my message for the Jews. The end is nigh! I’m pissed and will destroy you. The end is nigh! Pain! Fear! My wrath will pour down! Doom is bursting forth! The end is nigh! Starvation, war, disease will wipe you out! Those unfortunate enough to survive will pray for death! The end is nigh! The end is nigh! I see it, human! You cheating Jews will lose all your precious money because you used it to cheat on me! The end is nigh, and you will know I am God!
God spoke to me another time and said, Human! Prophesy against Israel! Tell the Jews i will destroy them with war and famine. I will scatter the survivors to the winds! The Jews are cheating cheaters and worship other gods. Go tell everyone this and be sure to stomp your feet and clap your hands while you do so! That way everyone will take you seriously.