Amos 5: Same old, same old

Amos said, God says to tell you that you’re fucked. It says, Israel’s troops will be decimated. If you seek allies, they will betray you. Your only hope is to turn to the star-maker, me, God. And I’m mad at you because you tax and oppress the poor while you live in luxury. I wish you would repent and stop doing evil. Then I might have mercy. But you won’t. So woe to you! Meeting my anger is like meeting a hungry lion in a dark canyon. I mean, I hate how you worship! All your religious ceremonies disgust me. I can’t stand your hypocritical frippery! You idol worship and betray me. For these reasons, those of you that I don’t kill will be sent into exile.

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Amos 4: We’re being punished

So listen up you lazy cows who sit around demanding your slaves wait on you! God’s pissed. And It plans on casting you out, so you had better repent and offer some scacrifices.

It’s amazing that you guys haven’t figured it out yet. I mean, half of you are starving to death and still haven’t repented. This drought? It’s a punishment from God. The blights that have destroyed several harvests over the past several years? Punishments from God. And the all the wars and the defeats we’ve suffered? Punishments from God! But nothing’s worked and still you sin on, so now God, the creator of the world, is going to take you out of it!

Amos 3: Disasters come from God

Look people, continued Amos, God’s anger is self-evident. Two people have to agree to walk together, right? Lions only roar when there’s something to roar at, right? Birds only fly into traps with bait, right? Alarms only go off when there’s emergencies, right? Well, when there’s a disaster, then you know God caused it. And if God caused a disaster, you can be sure It has told Its prophets, likeĀ  me, all about it. And I’m telling you that all the bad things that happen are because God’s mad at you for sinning. And It’s about to bring down the house.

Amos 2: The rest of the shit list

Moab will burn for crushing Edom.

Judah will burn for cheating on God.

Israel will burn because they sell off God’s dishes, get drunk on the sacrificial wine, treat poor people like shit, and turn a blind eye when fathers and sons both have sex with the same girl.

God will destroy all these nations like It did the Amorites. God brought you out of slavery and Egypt and rose you up high and It will cast you down!

Hosea 13: Ingrates

They worship calf statues in Israel! They practice human sacrifice! And after all I’ve done for them too! I mean, I freed them from slavery, and fed them as the wandered around the desert for 40 years after I cursed them for worshiping a calf statue the first time. And then I helped them conquer the Promised Land, but did they commit total genocide like I asked them to? And now, a new calf statue to pray to!

But they’ll be sorry. I’ll make them pay. I’ll rip them up like a lion on a gazelle. *They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to pieces, pregnant women ripped open!

 

*This is word for word from Hosea 13:16