Zechariah 8: Taking my baby back

God told Zechariah, I’m taking Judah and Israel back. I love them both, like, so much that I’m jealous if any other god even looks at either of them. I’ve totally forgiven them for cheating on me with all those other gods and for not doing the things I told them to do. And I proved my point–I destroyed both of them like I said I would. So all my people will return from exile, and Jerusalem will again be a prosperous city, with old people sitting on stoops complaining about the weather and children playing in the streets. Be sure to tell everyone that if they want their nation to be my baby for now and forever–for ever ever–then all they got to do is not cheat on me and to follow my rules and be merciful and just and honest. That’s not so hard, right? And if they do these things, I’ll be their forever God and will protect them from any other nation that wants to hurt them.


Zechariah 1: Meet Zechariah

Also during the time written about in Ezra, and when Haggai was writing instructions about the Temple, God started talking to Zechariah ben Berechiah ben Iddo and sending him visions.

God told Zechariah to remind everyone not to be losers like their ancestors and cheat on God again, because they were still recovering from that mistake. God also showed him visions of guardian angels riding red horses who persuaded God to relent and forgive the Jews. The angels even got God to promise to punish the nations that conquered Judah!

Zephaniah 1: Another prophet of doom

During the reign of Josiah, Zephaniah ben Cushi ben Gedaliah ben Amariah ben Hezekiah prophesied doom for Judah and the whole world. Zephaniah preached, God has told me that It will sweep away everything from the face of the earth! Every plant, every bug, every bird, every beast, and every cheating Hebrew who worships Baal on the side! It will punish every noble and prince who traipse about in foreign duds and every worker who cheats his boss! It will search all of Jerusalem and ferret out every cheating cheater and make them pay! A day of wrath, a day of doom, a day of destruction is at hand! God will pour out distress upon humans and the earth will drink their blood!

Micah 6: What do you have to say for yourself?

God wants you to go tell it on the mountain. It wants to know what you have to say for yourself. Didn’t It rescue you from Egypt, like, a 1000 years ago? Didn’t It thwart Balak’s plan to have Balaam curse you? And yet you twiddle your thumbs and ask, what does God want me to do? God already told you! God cries out in exasperation, Do you really expect me to spare the cheaters and liars? The rich who oppress the poor? No longer! I’m down for some poetic justice, says God. You’ll sow and harvest, you’ll go hungry because you cheated on me!

Micah 1: Meet Micah

Micah, who was from Moresheth, was an active prophet during the reigns of JothanAhaz, and Hezekiah in Judah. This was a relatively stable period in Judah, although Israel was in disarray and ended up in exile. It also means that Micah was prophesying at the same time as Isaiah , but he had a lot less to say.

Micah began his prophet career by  stripping down and going into the town square where he started proclaiming, Hey, everyone! God is totally pissed that you are cheating on It with idols! It’s going to melt the mountains and split the valleys and flood everything in between until Judah and Samaria are nothing but rubble! That’s why I go around naked and wailing. You should all shave your heads and strip down for mourning too!

Jonah 1: Jonah’s adventures at sea

Jonah ben Amittai was going about his business one day when suddenly God said to him, Go to Nineveh and tell them that their sinning has angered me, so I plan on destroying the city.

Now Jonah wanted no part of this task. He knew how prophets were usually received, and really, who wanted to go on a fool’s errand anyway? So instead he went down to the docks in Joppa and paid passage on a ship headed to Tarshish. Jonah went down to his berth and fell fast asleep–running away from God is exhausting.

While he was sleeping, a mighty tempest arose and the sailors were barely able to keep the ship afloat. While the crew was in the process of throwing all the cargo overboard in the hopes to avoid capsizing, the captain realized that Jonah was still sound asleep. He was all, Dude! How can you sleep?! Look if you ain’t gonna help save the ship, you could at least pray to whatever god you worship to spare us from a watery grave!  Continue reading “Jonah 1: Jonah’s adventures at sea”

Amos 5: Same old, same old

Amos said, God says to tell you that you’re fucked. It says, Israel’s troops will be decimated. If you seek allies, they will betray you. Your only hope is to turn to the star-maker, me, God. And I’m mad at you because you tax and oppress the poor while you live in luxury. I wish you would repent and stop doing evil. Then I might have mercy. But you won’t. So woe to you! Meeting my anger is like meeting a hungry lion in a dark canyon. I mean, I hate how you worship! All your religious ceremonies disgust me. I can’t stand your hypocritical frippery! You idol worship and betray me. For these reasons, those of you that I don’t kill will be sent into exile.

Amos 4: We’re being punished

So listen up you lazy cows who sit around demanding your slaves wait on you! God’s pissed. And It plans on casting you out, so you had better repent and offer some scacrifices.

It’s amazing that you guys haven’t figured it out yet. I mean, half of you are starving to death and still haven’t repented. This drought? It’s a punishment from God. The blights that have destroyed several harvests over the past several years? Punishments from God. And the all the wars and the defeats we’ve suffered? Punishments from God! But nothing’s worked and still you sin on, so now God, the creator of the world, is going to take you out of it!

Amos 3: Disasters come from God

Look people, continued Amos, God’s anger is self-evident. Two people have to agree to walk together, right? Lions only roar when there’s something to roar at, right? Birds only fly into traps with bait, right? Alarms only go off when there’s emergencies, right? Well, when there’s a disaster, then you know God caused it. And if God caused a disaster, you can be sure It has told Its prophets, like  me, all about it. And I’m telling you that all the bad things that happen are because God’s mad at you for sinning. And It’s about to bring down the house.

Amos 2: The rest of the shit list

Moab will burn for crushing Edom.

Judah will burn for cheating on God.

Israel will burn because they sell off God’s dishes, get drunk on the sacrificial wine, treat poor people like shit, and turn a blind eye when fathers and sons both have sex with the same girl.

God will destroy all these nations like It did the Amorites. God brought you out of slavery and Egypt and rose you up high and It will cast you down!