Malachi 3: Just wait til God gets home

Malachi told everyone another message from God:

Listen to this dude, cuz he’s my messenger. One day, y’all are going to get a surprise visit from me, and you ain’t gonna like it. I mean, no one can really live up to my standards, and you think y’all will live through my visit? I’m gonna purify all those shitty priests and their shitty offerings! I’m sick of you guys skimping on the good stuff! Where my tithes at? If you want good harvests, then you better pay up! I make it rain, yo!

Also, quit bitching about if evildoers prosper, then I’m not real. You don’t know my ways, yo! And I’m, like, omniscient and omnipotent and stuff. So just believe that justice will prevail, on some dimensional plane or other!

But wait, there’s more! When I come to town, I’m will destroy sorcerers, of course. But I also hate cheaters and liars, so I will destroy anyone who’s ever cheated on their spouse and any one who ever swore falsely–don’t swear to god unless you mean it, yo! I also hate the fact that rich humans are dicks to poor humans, so I will destroy shitty bosses who treat their workers bad and don’t pay them enough and anyone who mistreats or oppresses poor single women and their children. Also, y’all have been immigrants! People who mistreat  immigrants are the worst, and they will feel my wrath, too.

So everyone was like, well since this Malachi dude says he’s speaking from God and is preparing the way for all this punishment, we better take him seriously! So they wrote all that he said down in a book so they could remember it and promised that they would do their best to please God from then on.


Malachi 2: Shitty priests

Malachi went to the priests and was all, God has this message for you:

You guys are shitty priests who don’t really believe in what you’re doing and because you do such a shitty job, I’m going to smear shit all over your faces and make sure your kids have shitty lives. I made the Levites my priests because Levi was such an awesome priest. His little finger would make a better priest than any on of you. You shame your ancestor. Also, it’s really shitty that so many of you divorced your first wives when they got old. I’m down for polygamy, but you gotta take care of the first wife, yo.

The priests were pretty pissy about this guy coming in and criticizing them, but Malachi was all, Look, we’ve all messed up. Our entire country cheated on God and got punished. God’s sick of hearing you complain about there being evil in the world and the rain falling on the just and unjust alike, yadda yadda yadda. Suck it up and do better!

Zechariah 12: Next time’ll be different

Zechariah told everyone that God told him that next time some other country tried to fuck with Judah or tried to besiege Jerusalem, things would go down different, yo. Next time, God would make all the enemy horses blind. Next time, God would make sure all the Jews received salvation first. All the other nations would be second. Or third. Or destroyed. And then, all the Jews will be really sad that their ancestors ever cheated on God or did It dirt, and everyone will go into mourning– the king and all his wives, the priests and all their wives, and every tribal leader and all their wives, etc. will seclude themselves with their families and mourn.

Zechariah 8: Taking my baby back

God told Zechariah, I’m taking Judah and Israel back. I love them both, like, so much that I’m jealous if any other god even looks at either of them. I’ve totally forgiven them for cheating on me with all those other gods and for not doing the things I told them to do. And I proved my point–I destroyed both of them like I said I would. So all my people will return from exile, and Jerusalem will again be a prosperous city, with old people sitting on stoops complaining about the weather and children playing in the streets. Be sure to tell everyone that if they want their nation to be my baby for now and forever–for ever ever–then all they got to do is not cheat on me and to follow my rules and be merciful and just and honest. That’s not so hard, right? And if they do these things, I’ll be their forever God and will protect them from any other nation that wants to hurt them.

Zechariah 1: Meet Zechariah

Also during the time written about in Ezra, and when Haggai was writing instructions about the Temple, God started talking to Zechariah ben Berechiah ben Iddo and sending him visions.

God told Zechariah to remind everyone not to be losers like their ancestors and cheat on God again, because they were still recovering from that mistake. God also showed him visions of guardian angels riding red horses who persuaded God to relent and forgive the Jews. The angels even got God to promise to punish the nations that conquered Judah!

Zephaniah 1: Another prophet of doom

During the reign of Josiah, Zephaniah ben Cushi ben Gedaliah ben Amariah ben Hezekiah prophesied doom for Judah and the whole world. Zephaniah preached, God has told me that It will sweep away everything from the face of the earth! Every plant, every bug, every bird, every beast, and every cheating Hebrew who worships Baal on the side! It will punish every noble and prince who traipse about in foreign duds and every worker who cheats his boss! It will search all of Jerusalem and ferret out every cheating cheater and make them pay! A day of wrath, a day of doom, a day of destruction is at hand! God will pour out distress upon humans and the earth will drink their blood!

Micah 6: What do you have to say for yourself?

God wants you to go tell it on the mountain. It wants to know what you have to say for yourself. Didn’t It rescue you from Egypt, like, a 1000 years ago? Didn’t It thwart Balak’s plan to have Balaam curse you? And yet you twiddle your thumbs and ask, what does God want me to do? God already told you! God cries out in exasperation, Do you really expect me to spare the cheaters and liars? The rich who oppress the poor? No longer! I’m down for some poetic justice, says God. You’ll sow and harvest, you’ll go hungry because you cheated on me!

Micah 1: Meet Micah

Micah, who was from Moresheth, was an active prophet during the reigns of JothanAhaz, and Hezekiah in Judah. This was a relatively stable period in Judah, although Israel was in disarray and ended up in exile. It also means that Micah was prophesying at the same time as Isaiah , but he had a lot less to say.

Micah began his prophet career by  stripping down and going into the town square where he started proclaiming, Hey, everyone! God is totally pissed that you are cheating on It with idols! It’s going to melt the mountains and split the valleys and flood everything in between until Judah and Samaria are nothing but rubble! That’s why I go around naked and wailing. You should all shave your heads and strip down for mourning too!

Jonah 1: Jonah’s adventures at sea

Jonah ben Amittai was going about his business one day when suddenly God said to him, Go to Nineveh and tell them that their sinning has angered me, so I plan on destroying the city.

Now Jonah wanted no part of this task. He knew how prophets were usually received, and really, who wanted to go on a fool’s errand anyway? So instead he went down to the docks in Joppa and paid passage on a ship headed to Tarshish. Jonah went down to his berth and fell fast asleep–running away from God is exhausting.

While he was sleeping, a mighty tempest arose and the sailors were barely able to keep the ship afloat. While the crew was in the process of throwing all the cargo overboard in the hopes to avoid capsizing, the captain realized that Jonah was still sound asleep. He was all, Dude! How can you sleep?! Look if you ain’t gonna help save the ship, you could at least pray to whatever god you worship to spare us from a watery grave!  Continue reading “Jonah 1: Jonah’s adventures at sea”

Amos 5: Same old, same old

Amos said, God says to tell you that you’re fucked. It says, Israel’s troops will be decimated. If you seek allies, they will betray you. Your only hope is to turn to the star-maker, me, God. And I’m mad at you because you tax and oppress the poor while you live in luxury. I wish you would repent and stop doing evil. Then I might have mercy. But you won’t. So woe to you! Meeting my anger is like meeting a hungry lion in a dark canyon. I mean, I hate how you worship! All your religious ceremonies disgust me. I can’t stand your hypocritical frippery! You idol worship and betray me. For these reasons, those of you that I don’t kill will be sent into exile.