Numbers 20: Miriam and Aaron Die

Miriam died while the Hebrews were camped at Kadesh in Zin.

While the Hebrews were wandering around the desert, they ran out of water. They began complaining to Moses and Aaron about this horrible trip on which they would all most likely die. So God told Moses to wave the magic staff over a rock and ask it for water. Instead, Moses hit the rock with the staff and demanded water. Water came out, but God was pissed that Moses disobeyed It. It told Moses and Aaron that because they disobeyed, neither would live to see the promised land.

After Kadesh, Moses sent a message to the king of Edom asking for permission to pass through his lands. But Edom was all, hell no! and sent this message by army. So the Hebrews went another way, toward Mount Hor. There, God told Moses to take Aaron and his son Eleazar up the mountain, strip Aaron of his vestments, and put then on Aaron. Then Aaron died.

Numbers 17

God was all, I’m really sick of this constant mutiny. Tell every tribe to have their chief’s name carved into a staff–Aaron’s should be on the Levites–and then bring all the staffs to the Tabernacle. The staff that blossoms is the rightful supreme leader of the Hebrews.

So everyone did and, behold, Aaron’s staff bloomed. Then his staff was put in the Tabernacle as a reminder to everyone that God chose him to the be supreme leader.

No one was really happy, but they were all, what the fuck are we supposed to do? God keeps killing people! Man, I’m afraid for my  life!

Numbers 16: Mutiny

At some point during the forty years of wandering,  a Levite named Korah and some Reubenites named Dathan, Abiram, and On rabble roused up a mob into mutiny against Moses. The mob surrounded Moses, rocks in hand, so Moses was all, hey guys, how’s it going? Oh, you got some rocks there? You wanna stone me again? Well, yeah, you could kill me now, or maybe you should wait until we all consult with God and see what It says? We don’t want to make It angry, right? So hey, Korah, why don’t you and your followers perform a ceremony and offer incense to God in the morning, and if It is pleased, then you know, hey, you guys can stone me? How does that sound?

Korah was all, ok, sure, guys, that sounds good. But the Reubenites were all screw you Moses! You promised us a land of milk and honey and now we’re stuck out in this godforsaken desert for god knows how long? We were almost fucking there and now we’re marching back to the goddamn Red Sea? What the fuck! Who the hell do you think you are? Continue reading “Numbers 16: Mutiny”

Numbers 14

Things got pretty tense around the camp. People were pissed. They were tired of camp rations, lets be honest, of fucking manna and stringy goat and sheep because they were in the FUCKING desert, Moses, how the fuck were they supposed to maintain ginormous herds of livestock; they couldn’t remember the last time anybody ate a piece of fruit, let alone some green vegetables, what I’d give for a salad, Morty; you know they had a pretty good life in Egypt until Aaron and that no-good half-Egyptian brother of his, Moses, started rabble rousing and causing trouble, THAT’s when things went bad; and you know what? fuck this fool’s errand; let’s just go back to Egypt? who wants to go? Who’ll be the leader to guide us back to Egypt and out of this fucking desert? Continue reading “Numbers 14”

Numbers 12: Sibling Rivalry

Around this time, Aaron and Miriam started badmouthing Moses and undermining his authority, but Moses didn’t know how to respond.

So God called all three to the Tabernacle, and was all, you two are assholes, and yeah I’ve sent you dreams and stuff, but I only talk to my bro Moses. Y’all need to step off. Then It cursed Miriam with leprosy.

Her brothers were all, oh shit! Please God, don’t curse our sister like that! She’ll be a derelict! God was all, bitch needs to learn a lesson. Cast her out with the other lepers for seven days.

After seven days, she was cured and allowed back in. Then the Hebrews broke camp and continued marching toward Paran.

Numbers 6

God also explained to Moses that It wanted the extra-fanatical followers to form a special club called the Nazarites, so that they could feel extra-special holy. The rules of the club were that no member could eat any grape product–fresh, dried, or fermented; they weren’t allowed to cut their hair or to ever ever touch or go near a corpse.

If a Nazarite was accidentally defiled (like by eating couscous salad with sultanas or getting tricked into touching a dead body), then he would have to be unclean for a week, and then on the eighth day, he would have to shave all the hair off his head and body and then offer some birds as a sin offering. Continue reading “Numbers 6”

Leviticus 16

Then God was all, Ok, so I know Aaron is bummed about my killing his sons and all, but he has to understand that no one can come into my holiest of holies without the proper preparation. Really on Aaron as the high priest should go in there, and to do so, he needs to be all dolled up in full regalia, sacrifice a bull, and then bring two goats and cast lots to see which one to sacrifice. The winner gets burned for me and the loser gets let loose into the wilderness for Azazel. You know, Yellow Eyes? Anyway, all the community sins will be placed on Yellow Eyes’ goat, and it will be everyone’s scapegoat. Aaron will need to burn incense and sprinkle the bull and goat blood on the mercy seat, in my holy place. By the way, this should all be done on the tenth day of the seventh month, which will be a Sabbath day.

If all this is done, then it atones for Aaron’s and everyone else’s sins, and I’ll refrain from smiting.

After the ritual, Aaron will need to take off all the regalia and bathe.

Leviticus 10

One day sometime after the consecration, two of Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, decided to burn some incense at an unauthorized time, so God burned them to death. Aaron and his other sons were pretty shocked, but Moses was all, I told you God would smite you if you didn’t follow the rules exactly. If I were you, I’d forgo the normal mourning rituals lest you piss It off more. God followed up that advice with a, Oh, by the way Aaron, don’t drink any booze while you are in my tent either, or else. I think had forgotten to mention that.

Later, Moses explained to his brother and nephews what parts of the the offerings the priests were supposed to eat, etc.  Unfortunately, Aaron’s two other sons, Eleazar and Ithamar, managed to screw up the sin offering rituals, but Moses and Aaron managed to talk God down from smiting them too, lest God smite Itself out of priests.

Leviticus 9

On the 8th day of the ritual, Moses told Aaron to sacrifice another bull calf for a sin offering and a ram for a burnt offering. So Aaron did, and then Moses told everyone that they needed to sacrifice a male goat for a sin offering, a calf and a lamb for a burnt offering, and an ox and a ram with grain for a peace offering.

So the Hebrews threw a big barbecue, and magical fire came from the sky and burned up all the offerings and terrified the awestruck crowd.

Exodus 32: The Golden Calf

In fact, the Hebrews down at the base of the mountain had watched all the volcanic activity erupting about with a growing dread. As it came upon the fortieth day, they all started figuring that Moses must be dead. They didn’t want to be stuck out there in the desert without any god, and since Moses was presumably dead, they asked the only other guy who seemed to have any first-hand god experience, Aaron. So Aaron told them to give him all their jewelry, then he melted it down and made a golden calf. Everyone really liked it, it was so shiny and pretty and didn’t seem at all inclined to smiting, so they decided to throw a party in its honor. They slaughtered some lambs and goats, pulled out the wine sacks to have a feast, and then someone started banging on a drum and rattling some tambourines so they all started dancing around their pretty new god.

It was around this time that God sensed something untoward was happening and said, Ah, fuck it Moses. Those fool Hebrews are already worshiping another god. I’m just going to smite them and we can find a new group of people for you to lead. But Moses was all, NO! Don’t do that! My wife and kids are down there. God didn’t look like It cared that much, so Moses tried another tack. He was all, besides why did you spend all that energy saving them from Egypt and feeding them manna and stuff? Don’t smite them yet. Let me go down and try to talk some sense into them.  So God was all, yeah, whatever. But I reserve the right to smite.

When Moses got down to the base of the mountain and saw everyone partying, he became so enraged that he accidentally broke God’s magic tablets of rules. He marched right threw the throng, grabbed the golden calf and threw it in a fire. The music stopped, everyone got quiet. A few people shuffled their feet and hemmed and hawed. One person started to protest the burning of the calf, but one look at Moses’s face and he shut up. Moses was all, watch it burn you fools.

When it was burned up, Moses told some boy, bring me a pail of water! and then he mixed the ashes of the calf into the water and barked, Drink it! And everyone had to pass around the bucket, drinking from it until it was gone. Then he was all, Go to your tents! I’ll decide what to do you in the morning.

That night, Moses confronted Aaron about why he had led the Hebrews into heresy. Aaron was all, we thought you were dead, bro. I mean, there was fire and brimstone and poison gas. We figured there was no way someone could live through all that for forty days. And they wanted a god, so I figured I’d better give them one so they wouldn’t stone me. And before you started coming back around, back in Egypt, I was always sort of partial to Apis, so I made them a calf.

Moses just stood there silently, glaring at Aaron before shaking his head and walking away.

Next morning, Moses drew a line in the sand and asked who would cross it to stand with God. All the Levites did, and then Moses commanded them to each go kill three people who hadn’t crossed. They did, and something like 3,000 men were killed that day.

Moses let the survivors stew on that punishment and bury their dead for the rest of the day.  The next day, Moses called an assembly and was all, you guys fucked up. Like big time. God was going to just smite you until I talked It out of it. You saw what It did to the Egyptians. How could you be so stupid as to incur Its wrath? Jesus. But I’ll go back up the mountain to implore It to forgive you. Don’t do anything else stupid while I’m gone.

So Moses climbed back up the mountain and plead for the people. God was all, fine, I’ll forgive them, but I’m still pissed. Go back and tell them you’re still in charge and that I won’t smite them outright. But they still need punished, so I’m going to send a plague.