Matthew 17: Shiny

Jesus took Rocky, John and his brother James, and the other James up into the mountains with him. When they got there, he started glowing and Moses and Elijah appeared to have a chat. When Rocky, who wasn’t the brightest, saw them, he was all, It’s a good thing you brought us Jesus! We’ll make three tents for you! Then a voice boomed from the sky, This is my son and I’m a proud dad! At which, the four humans fell on their faces in fear. When they finally looked up, only Jesus was standing there, as matte as usual.

On their way back down the mountain, Jesus was all, Don’t tell anybody what happened until after I rise from the dead. The four groupies looked a little puzzled but nodded. Then they were all, But, wasn’t Elijah supposed to come back before the messiah? Jesus answered, He did, and they chopped off his head!  Continue reading “Matthew 17: Shiny”

Advertisements

Matthew 9: Healing people and making friends

So Jesus left that town sailed back to Nazareth, where some people met him carrying their paralyzed friend. Jesus looked at the guy, and was all, Your sins are forgiven, which caused a lot of people to look askance. That irritated Jesus a lot, so he said, Fine, haters. Dude, rise up and walk! The guy got up and walked away, and everyone in the crowd was pretty freaked out.

Later, Jesus saw Matthew, a government stooge, sitting bored at his desk and was all, Leave that noise and come with me. So Matthew walked out, and he and Jesus went to the nearest house party with a bunch of other government stooges and lobbyists and thugs and party-kids, and other questionable folk. This scandalized the Pharisees, who started whispering to the groupies, Yo, your boy’s keeping some sketchy company! But Jesus overheard them and was all, I’m a doctor for the sick, not the well! Go bother someone else! But some of the groupies had some doubts and were all, So, like, why don’t you fast like the priests say we’re supposed to? Jesus was all, Fasting is for funerals! Y’all fast soon enough.

He barely got those words out of his mouth before some other bigwig runs in and was all, My daughter died! Can’t you bring her back to life? So Jesus got up off the couch to follow the guy home. As he was going down the street, this woman with a hemorrhage touched his clothes and he was all, You’re healed! When Jesus and the man got to his house, Jesus told the mourners playing sad songs, Pipe down! You’re gonna wake her up! Everyone laughed nervously, because they thought dude was nuts. But then Jesus went into her bedroom, and after a few minutes, walked out with the girl, hand-in-hand.

On his way back to the party, two blind men came up to Jesus and were all, Heal us! And Jesus was all, You think I can? And they nodded and he touched their eyes and they could see again. Then he cast a demon out of a mute guy. Most people were impressed, but the Pharisees were all, He must be the prince of demons, since demons obey him!

Then Jesus went travelling again, preaching and healing, and gathering groupies. But no matter how big the crowds got, Jesus sighed and told his groupies that it wasn’t big enough.

 

II Kings 4: Elisha does more things

One day a widow whose husband had been a follower of Elisha came to him and was all, my husband left me badly in debt, and now the creditors are threatening to take my sons to sell into slavery for it! What should I do?!

Elisha was all, well, what do you have in your house? And the woman was all, Nothing! It’s all been sold! Well, except for a jug of oil. Then Elisha was all, Ok, go borrow as many vessels as you can, and fill them all with oil and then sell it and pay your debts!

Another time, during this bad famine that we’ll learn more about later, Elisha was visiting Gilgal and his servant Gehazi was making stew. One of Elisha’s followers went out to gather herbs and he saw some likely gourds that he put in too. Unfortunately, they were poisonous; however, Elisha miraculously purified it with some flour.  Continue reading “II Kings 4: Elisha does more things”

I Kings 17:Elijah enters the story

Elijah, a prophet from Tishbe, went to Ahab to tell him that God was pissed, so It was going to cause a horrible drought and famine until the time Elijah said it would rain. Then Elijah went to hide out near Cherith Creek because Jezebel and Ahab were searching for him and killing every prophet they came across. The creek gave him water and ravens brought him food morning and evening.

Eventually, though, Cherith dried up. God was all, Yo, Elijah, go to Zarapeth. I’ll arrange for this widow woman to feed you there.

So Elijah went to Zarapeth and sat outside the city gates on the lookout for this widow. Finally, he spied her gathering firewood. He was all, Excuse me, madam, please bring me some water. She sighed and turned to do his bidding, but then Elijah was all, And bring me some food too.  Continue reading “I Kings 17:Elijah enters the story”