Genesis 9: Noah gets Drunk

Then God promised Noah not to smite the world with water again, made the sky pretty colors, and that’s where rainbows come from.

The first thing Noah did when he got off the boat was to plant a vineyard, because being stuck on that boat that long with all those people and animals really made him need a drink and he ran out of wine way too soon.

One day when Noah was testing his vintage, he drank too much, got blind drunk, probably pissed himself and took off all his clothes. While he was laying there passed out, his son Ham came along and saw his dad lying there naked, probably in a puddle of his own piss. No doubt Ham shook his head in disgust and then went and told his brothers Shem and Japeth that dad was passed out drunk again. Shem and Japeth were felt bad for their dad and closed their eyes and threw a blanket over him. When Noah sobered up enough to speak coherently, he was completely  humiliated that he passed out naked and pissed himself, but instead of owning it, he took it out on Ham, whom he cursed to be a slave to his brothers forever.

And because Ham gets associated with Africa, Europeans used this story to justify enslaving people from Africa for centuries. Tada!

Genesis 8

Eventually the flood ended, as floods usually do, and the smelly, crowded boat landed on an island that turned out to be the top of Mount Ararat after sea levels subsided more. Noah was a cautious dude and wouldn’t let anybody off the boat for awhile, just to make sure the coast was clear. He spent a few weeks sending out birds to see if they would come back for want of anywhere else to roost. After the third bird, he decided it was safe,¬†and everyone finally got off the poop cruise.

But all was not well for everything. Noah felt the need to kill and burn a bunch of the “clean” animals to thank God for saving him and his crew. God then felt bad for smiting everything out of boredom.

Genesis 7: Noah’s Ark

So Noah built the boat and gathered all the animals and locked them and his family (wife, sons and their wives) inside. Then the Ice Age ended, causing sea levels to rise and many coastal cities and civilizations to be inundated. Noah and crew floated around in that clearly stinky ass boat for a really long time, probably trying to calm down the undoubtedly frightened animals and avoid killing one another out of boredom and cabin fever. They probably amused themselves by watching sharks eat all the bloated carcasses of the dead animals and humans floating by. Maybe they fished out some of the humans to take nice things like shiny shiny gold.

Genesis 6

God had this family of scary ass angels back wherever It came from. God’s angels found out about Its little world, and wanted to play too because God’s dolls looked like fun, sexy sexy fun. The resulting hybrids were called Nephilim, and God thought they lived too long, so It limited human life to 120 years.

God’s human dolls were so prolific that God lost control of them. It also had gotten sort of bored with Its game, so It decided to hit reboot and smite everything. But then God decided It’d save a couple of Its favorite dolls. So God told Noah and his family to build a giant ass boat and to put a bunch of animals (somewhere between 2 and 7 of each) and food onto it.