I Samuel 4: The Philistines Capture the Ark!

Once upon at time, Israel and Philistinia were engaged in a battle in their never-ending conflict over the control of the region. The Philistines were wining the skirmish, so the Hebrews decide to bring the Ark of the Covenant to the battlefront to hearten everyone and have God there to fight with them. So they sent a message to Shiloh for Eli’s sons Hophni and Phinehas to bring it down.

When the Ark arrived, all Israel shouted and rejoiced. This freaked the Philistines out, and they became dismayed because now the Hebrews had this God of the legendary smiting there to fight for them. Nevertheless, the Philistines fought bravely, killed 30,000 Hebrews (including Hophni and Phinehas) and captured the Ark.¬† Continue reading “I Samuel 4: The Philistines Capture the Ark!”

Leviticus 12: Rituals about Menstruation and Childbirth

Then God was all, while we’re here, let’s go through some other regulations I insist that you follow. Let’s talk about women. I mean they’re just generally gross, but sometimes they are grosser than others. After they have children for instance. All that blood and mucus. And menstruation! Gag. So women are unclean while they menstruate, and men should not go near them or touch anything that they touched, or the man catches the uncleanness like it’s cooties. When a woman gives birth, she is also unclean. If it’s a boy, she needs to have him circumcised on the eighth day. Then she is still unclean for another forty days. If she has another gross girl then she’s unclean for eighty days.

At the end of her uncleanness, she will need to offer a lamb and a bird as sacrifices, and then she can be declared clean and can go back to her normal business and can go around men.

Exodus 2: Moses, the Early Years

And lo, a Levite man got his Levite wife pregnant, and she bore a little Levite boy. The mother hid the ¬†baby for three months, but when it became clear that the baby’s sex was suspected, she tucked the baby in a waterproof basket and hid it in the reeds near the spot where Pharaoh’s daughter liked to bathe in the Nile, and told her daughter, Miriam, to keep an eye on it.

Of course Pharaoh’s daughter found the basket with the baby, and quickly figured out what was what. Now Pharaoh’s daughter didn’t quite agree with her father’s genocidal policy. When it became apparent she had no intention of committing infanticide, Miriam popped out of the bushes and asked her if she needed a wet nurse. Pharaoh’s daughter decided she would help this desperate Hebrew family and told Miriam yes, likely in full cognizance that Miriam was related to the baby and that the wet nurse would be its mother. So Moses’s mother got to nurse him for the first few years of his life, before she had to hand him over to Pharaoh’s daughter to finish raising. Continue reading “Exodus 2: Moses, the Early Years”

Genesis 35

God then told Jacob he should probably move, but that It’d make sure no one retaliated for the massacre. God also reminded Jacob It had changed his name to Israel. So Jacob told his people to give him all their gold, and everyone gave him their jewelry and household gods. Jacob buried it all under a tree and then split with all his people. As the group traveled, Jacob set up pillars of stone for God in various places. Eventually, Jacob decided he should probably go see his dad, since it had been like 20 years.

Sadly, on the way there, Rachel died giving birth to Benjamin.

Also on the way there, Jacob’s oldest son Reuben started sleeping with Bilhah (Rachel’s slave that she had given to Jacob to sleep with), and Jacob had to put a stop to it.

Shortly after Jacob made it home, Isaac died. Esau traveled up for the funeral.