Numbers 20: Miriam and Aaron Die

Miriam died while the Hebrews were camped at Kadesh in Zin.

While the Hebrews were wandering around the desert, they ran out of water. They began complaining to Moses and Aaron about this horrible trip on which they would all most likely die. So God told Moses to wave the magic staff over a rock and ask it for water. Instead, Moses hit the rock with the staff and demanded water. Water came out, but God was pissed that Moses disobeyed It. It told Moses and Aaron that because they disobeyed, neither would live to see the promised land.

After Kadesh, Moses sent a message to the king of Edom asking for permission to pass through his lands. But Edom was all, hell no! and sent this message by army. So the Hebrews went another way, toward Mount Hor. There, God told Moses to take Aaron and his son Eleazar up the mountain, strip Aaron of his vestments, and put then on Aaron. Then Aaron died.

Numbers 12: Sibling Rivalry

Around this time, Aaron and Miriam started badmouthing Moses and undermining his authority, but Moses didn’t know how to respond.

So God called all three to the Tabernacle, and was all, you two are assholes, and yeah I’ve sent you dreams and stuff, but I only talk to my bro Moses. Y’all need to step off. Then It cursed Miriam with leprosy.

Her brothers were all, oh shit! Please God, don’t curse our sister like that! She’ll be a derelict! God was all, bitch needs to learn a lesson. Cast her out with the other lepers for seven days.

After seven days, she was cured and allowed back in. Then the Hebrews broke camp and continued marching toward Paran.

Exodus 15

So Moses wrote a song about crossing the Red Sea:

I will sing to the Lord, my God.
It drowned the Egyptians.
God is totally awesome, yeah.
Pharaoh is having conniptions. 

God is so awesome and mighty.
It makes the wind blow hard.
It makes the seas to ebb and flow.
It leaves the earth so charred.

What God is like our God, I ask?
Our God is the best God.
Philistines, Moabites, Edomites, Amorites
all tremble at our God.

God will lead us to Canaan land,
A land of milk and honey.
It will clear out our enemies.
The carnage will be funny.

Continue reading “Exodus 15”

Exodus 2: Moses, the Early Years

And lo, a Levite man got his Levite wife pregnant, and she bore a little Levite boy. The mother hid the ┬ábaby for three months, but when it became clear that the baby’s sex was suspected, she tucked the baby in a waterproof basket and hid it in the reeds near the spot where Pharaoh’s daughter liked to bathe in the Nile, and told her daughter, Miriam, to keep an eye on it.

Of course Pharaoh’s daughter found the basket with the baby, and quickly figured out what was what. Now Pharaoh’s daughter didn’t quite agree with her father’s genocidal policy. When it became apparent she had no intention of committing infanticide, Miriam popped out of the bushes and asked her if she needed a wet nurse. Pharaoh’s daughter decided she would help this desperate Hebrew family and told Miriam yes, likely in full cognizance that Miriam was related to the baby and that the wet nurse would be its mother. So Moses’s mother got to nurse him for the first few years of his life, before she had to hand him over to Pharaoh’s daughter to finish raising. Continue reading “Exodus 2: Moses, the Early Years”