II Chronicles 21

As we learned in II Kings 8, Jehoshaphat’s eldest son Jehoram inherited the throne, and his wife Athaliah converted him to the worship of Baal and Asherah. But Jehoshaphat was a considerate father and left all of his sons wealthy and in charge of their own cities. This made Jehoram uneasy, so as soon as he had solidified his power in Jerusalem, he  murdered all of his brothers and a few Israelite princes (relatives of his wife) just to safe.

Unfortunately, this didn’t bring stability, because Edom rebelled against Judah, and so did other tribute nations, and Judah lost.

Then Elijah sent Jehoram a letter informing him that God was pissed he was cheating on It–and that he had killed his brothers, too–but mostly for cheating on It! so God would visit a plague on Judah that would cause Jehoram to shit his guts out.

And lo, first the Philistines and Arabians invaded Judah and plundered Jerusalem and killed all but one of Jehoram’s sons. Then some horrible GI plague attacked the land, and Jehoram was not spared. He suffered for two years before he finally shit his guts out and died. His reign was a mere 8 years long. No one was sad to see him go. In fact, he was so despised that there were no mourning ceremonies and his body was not entombed with the kings.


II Kings 2: Elijah, Elisha, whatever

So this other time, Elijah and Elisha were in Gilgal doing prophet stuff when Elijah was all, Look, Elisha, I have to go to Bethal. You should just stay here. But Elisha was all, Never! I will follow you, wherever you may lead!

In Bethel, the other holy men were all, Hey, Elisha, we hear that Elijah’s going to be taken by God soon? And Elisha was all, Shut up about it! I know!

Then Elijah was all, Well, now it looks like I have to go to Jericho. Really, Elisha, just stay here. But Elisha was all, I will will follow you, wherever you may lead!

So they went to Jericho. The holy men there were all, Pssst. Elisha! God’s going to take Elijah today! Elisha was all, I know! SShhhhh…here he comes!   Continue reading “II Kings 2: Elijah, Elisha, whatever”

II Kings 1

King Ahaziah fell out of an upper-story window of his house and was badly injured, so he sent some servants to go inquire about his chance of recovery at the shrine of Baal-zebub in Ekron. However, the servants returned in just a couple hours and were all, So we were on our way to Ekron, but this dude stopped us and told us to come back and tell you that the Hebrew God is pissed that you were going to inquire of Baal-zebub instead of It, so you will die of your injuries.

Ahaziah was all, What did this guy look like? The servants answered that he was wearing this weird ratty hair cloak held together with a leather belt. Ahaziah was all, Figures it’s Elijah. He was always taunting and bothering my father. So he sent a captain with fifty soldiers to capture Elijah. Continue reading “II Kings 1”

I Kings 21: Ahab pouts until he gets what he wants

Another time, Ahab went to his neighbor Naboth and asked to buy his vineyard, but Naboth wasn’t in the market to sell. so Ahab stormed back home and crawled into his bed and pouted. He refused to eat or talk to anyone. Eventually, Jezebel came and was all, Why are you pouting? So he told her that Naboth wouldn’t sell him the vineyard next door. Jezebel was all, Grow a pair! You’re the king! Fine, you want the vineyard. I’ll get you the vineyard. And she wrote letters in the king’s name to the elders of Naboth’s town and told them to frame him for treason and make sure he was executed.

When word came that Naboth was dead, Ahab gleefully went to claim his property. While he was celebrating in his new garden, Elijah came by and was all, For murdering the man for his vineyard, God has decreed that you and all your male relatives will die and be eaten by scavengers. Moreover, you and your wife will be eaten by dogs!

At this Ahab wailed and repented so piteously that God was all, Fine. I won’t commence the elimination of his family until his son comes to the throne. But it will happen soon.

I Kings 19

When Ahab told Jezebel that Elijah got all the other prophets killed, she was pissed. She sent him a message saying as Baal as her witness, she would see Elijah dead. This freaked Elijah out pretty badly and he fled into the desert. Eventually he flopped down underneath a broom tree and was all, God, I have done thy bidding. Please let me die now! Then he fell asleep.

Some time later, an angel shook him awake and was all, eat this. So Elijah ate, and then passed back out. A bit later the angel woke him up to eat again and then again a third time, saying, You’ll need your strength because this is the last food you’ll see til Mount Horeb, which will take you, like, forty human days to get there or something. Mortals are so limited.

On Mount Horeb, Elijah crawled into a cave to hide, but God was all, Yo, Elijah, what are you doing on my mountain? Shouldn’t you be in Israel or someplace prophesying?  Continue reading “I Kings 19”

I Kings 18: Elijah ends the drought and gets some people dead

The famine and drought were terrible. After three years there wasn’t even enough weeds or scrub brush to feed the livestock. Ahab and his head bureaucrat Obadiah decided to divide the land to scour it for any vegetation to sustain at least some of the animals.

On his journey, Obadiah met Elijah who was coming to confront Ahab again. Elijah was all, Go inform your master that I have come.

But Obadiah was all, What! Why do you want me dead? Don’t you know that I’m the guy who hid and sheltered, like, 100 prophets when Jezebel was on the warpath looking for you? Yeah, I mean she killed like all the prophets, but I saved as many as I could for as long as I could. Now you want me to go tell Ahab that I’ve found you? What if God whisks you away in the meantime? He’ll totally kill me.

Elijah answered, Never fear, my good man. God will do no such thing. Go inform Ahab!  Continue reading “I Kings 18: Elijah ends the drought and gets some people dead”

I Kings 17:Elijah enters the story

Elijah, a prophet from Tishbe, went to Ahab to tell him that God was pissed, so It was going to cause a horrible drought and famine until the time Elijah said it would rain. Then Elijah went to hide out near Cherith Creek because Jezebel and Ahab were searching for him and killing every prophet they came across. The creek gave him water and ravens brought him food morning and evening.

Eventually, though, Cherith dried up. God was all, Yo, Elijah, go to Zarapeth. I’ll arrange for this widow woman to feed you there.

So Elijah went to Zarapeth and sat outside the city gates on the lookout for this widow. Finally, he spied her gathering firewood. He was all, Excuse me, madam, please bring me some water. She sighed and turned to do his bidding, but then Elijah was all, And bring me some food too.  Continue reading “I Kings 17:Elijah enters the story”