Zechariah 6: Dre-e-e-ams, dreams, dreams, dreams

Zechariah dreamed of four chariots, one drawn by red horses, one drawn by black horses, one drawn by dappled horses. His angel told him they represented the four winds patrolling the earth.

When some exiles returned from Babylon, God told Zechariah to take three of them–Heldai, Tobijah, and Jedaiah–to Zephaniah’s house and there to take their gold and silver to make a crown for the high priest Joshua because God loved him so much because he was making sure the Temple got rebuilt.


Zechariah 5: More dreams

Zechariah had more dreams he thought were important visions. In the first he saw a gigantic scroll flying around and the angel that was his spirit guide told him it was a curse on all thieves and anyone who swore to God but didn’t mean it. In the second, Zechariah saw a woman sitting in a  basket. The angel shoved her down in it and put a lead cover on then some women with stork wings flew down, picked it up and carried it off. The angel looked at a confused Zechariah and said, The broad is Wickedness and the basket is Iniquity. The stork-girls will take her to Babylon to live from now on.

Zechariah 4: The lamp

Zechariah had another vision. He saw a giant, super elaborate, golden floor lamp standing between two olive trees. An angel was there beside him, and was all, Do you know what this lamp means?

And Zechariah was all, No.

And the angel was all, It symbolizes Zerubbabel, with whom God is super pleased because he finally started rebuilding the Temple.

Zechariah nodded sagely, and the angel went on, Do you know what the trees stand for?


The trees stand for the two guardians of the earth, the once and future kings, who will be back when needed!

Zechariah 2: New Jerusalem

Zechariah had another vision. In it, he saw an angel with a measuring tape about to measure Jerusalem for its new city walls. But then another angel came up and was all, You don’t need to do that because Jerusalem will be too large and too powerful to need city walls!

So then Zechariah went around telling all the Jews left in Persia to return to the Promised Land. God has forgiven us and will make us prosper! It will soon punish these nations that conquered us! Return south posthaste!

Zechariah 1: Meet Zechariah

Also during the time written about in Ezra, and when Haggai was writing instructions about the Temple, God started talking to Zechariah ben Berechiah ben Iddo and sending him visions.

God told Zechariah to remind everyone not to be losers like their ancestors and cheat on God again, because they were still recovering from that mistake. God also showed him visions of guardian angels riding red horses who persuaded God to relent and forgive the Jews. The angels even got God to promise to punish the nations that conquered Judah!

Daniel 12: The end

The angel continued, Then the world will end and the holy dead will rise and go to heaven in the rapture.

Daniel was all, So when’s all this supposed to happen?

And the angel was all, A really long time from now. Don’t worry about it. Just continue being your awesome self.

The end

Next time Hosea, a misogynistic trip back into time to before the exile

Daniel 11: The North and South

The angel continued, So look, Dan, there’s only going to be four more Persian kings. That fourth king is going to pick a fight with Greece and lose. Then there will be a mighty Greek king, but his kingdom will get divided up after he dies.

Then there will be a King in the North and a King in the South. They will war, and then attempt to reconcile by marrying a southern princess to the King in the North. Unfortunately, it will be a red wedding and one of her kinsman will arise to seek vengeance. This southron will defeat the North and sack Winterfell. But then the King in the North will rally and invade the South and defeat it. They will continue to fight for generations, but eventually the North will win and that northern king will set himself up as a god.

Daniel 10: Dan sees an angel

In the third year of Cyrus’s reign, Daniel had a vision about an upcoming war or three. He had been depressed and had abstained from drinking or eating flavorful foods or using moisturizers for three whole weeks. One day, he trudged on down to the Tigris to look at the waters. There he saw a man or something that had lightning for a face and bronze for his body and really nice clothes. Daniel fainted. The shiny man woke him up and was all, Don’t be afraid. God loves you. I’m here to tell you about a war between Persia and Greece.

Daniel 9: Daniel prays

In the first year of Darius’s reign, Daniel realized that the 70 years of exile prophesied by Jeremiah were about up. So he prayed. He prayed, O God, we are a bunch of lowly worms that cheated on you and broke your rules and were punished just like you said we would be. Please forgive us and restore Jerusalem!

Then the angel Gabriel appeared and was all, Yo, Dan, God really loves you and It wants you to know that there are still 70 weeks of punishment left. Then it will take 7 more weeks to rebuild Jerusalem. Unfortunately, after 62 weeks more it will all be destroyed again.

Daniel 8: Dream again

In the third year of Belshazzar’s reign, Daniel dreamed he was standing beside the Ulai Canal in Susa where he saw a mighty ram with mighty horns that rammed everyone and everything that came in its path. But then a one-horned goat appeared and charged the ram and broke its horns. Then the goat ruled the canal. Only its horn broke and four grew in its place. One of these new horns grew all the way to heaven and demanded that everyone worship it. Then a voice said in 2300 days, the Temple will be rebuilt! Then the voice said, Gabriel, explain to Daniel what all this means. So an angel appeared and told Daniel that the ram represented the Persian empire and the goat represented the Greek kingdoms, which would dominate the world until they too were toppled.

Then Daniel awoke, but he was so disturbed he stayed in bed for like a week.