Ezekiel 41: Keep pimping

The entrance to the inner Temple should be huge! Like 9 feet high and 7 feet wide. Those double doors will open onto the nave that will lead to the center–the holiest of holies–my own special room!

I want the inner court and Temple wood paneled from floor to ceiling! And the paneling should be carved. The pattern will be a palm tree flanked by two cherubim–because those things are freaky as hell!

The vestibule connecting the inner Temple court to the inner Temple should be covered by a wood awning, and I want palm trees growing everywhere. When you think there are too many palm trees, plant some more!

This building should be three stories high and make sure to leave room for outbuildings.


Ezekiel 9: Avenging angels

Then God called out, Come, my vengancers! And six armed men appeared, accompanied by a seventh who carried notebooks and pens. God told the recording angel to go through Jerusalem and put a mark on anyone’s forehead who reprobated their cheating, polytheistic neighbors. Then It told the avenging angels to kill anyone without a mark.

At that command, I fell on my face and begged God to have mercy on the Jews, but It was all, The Jews are cheating whores who deserve death.

Ezekiel 8: Come sail away

A little more than a year after God first visited me, and just a few  months after my ordeal with the brick was over, God came again. I was sitting in my house, being consulted by some elders when all of a sudden, God appeared in all Its molten chrome glory! It extended Its fingers, grabbed me by the hair and pulled me into the cherubim vehicle! Then we flew to the Temple in  Jerusalem, where I saw a bunch of priests worshiping one of the idols that filled God with a jealous rage.

I glanced at God, and It was all, That’s not even the worst of it! Dig in that hole over there!

So I dug and found a door that lead to a room filled with idols and bugs and maggots and snakes and pigs and shrimp and every unclean thing–and 70 elders worshiping them! Then God took me to another part of the Temple where a crowd of women were mourning Tammuz, the Babylonian greenman of rebirth and renewal! Finally, It showed me 25 more men worshiping the sun.

Then God said, Human, do you see?! How insulting that the Jews cheat on me in my own house! They all deserve death!


Ezekiel 1: Ezekiel meets God

Five years into King Jehoiachin’s exile, when I was 30, I was down by the Chebar River when I saw God. There was this humongous thundercloud that rolled in from the north, but the center was glowing. In that radiance, there were these cherubim,  and these things were terrifying. They each had four faces–a human one, a lion, a cow, and an eagle–and four wings. Two covered their bodies and two made them fly and each moved by an infinity wheel that sparkled like a jewelry store. Above the cherubim was a crystal floor with a sapphire throne in the middle. On that throne sat God. God looked like a man, but all fire or rainbows from the waist down and molten chrome from the waist up. It had a voice like thunder. You better believe, I kissed the ground.

Isaiah 6: Isaiah’s origin story

So Isaiah became a prophet the year that King Uzziah died. He had this vision of God surrounded by six seraphim. Each of the six seraphim had six wings. Two covered their faces, two their privates, and they flew with the other two. When Isaiah saw this, he cried out, Woe is me! I am unworthy! Ima die, right!

Then a seraph flew down and held a burning coal to his lips and it burned, but it didn’t. Then it said, Now you are clean, mortal!

Then God was all, Who shall I send?

And Isaiah was all, Here I am! Send me!

So God was all, Ok, you can go preach my words. But no one will listen to you.

Isaiah was all, That’s ok! How long shall I preach?

And God was all, Oh, until the Promised Land is a waste, burnt and desolate and all my people are in exile.

Job 33: Elihu continues

Elihu shook his finger at Job and was all, Look Job, I’m no better or worse than you and this is how you sound to me–you claim you’re innocent and God trampels you unjustly and doesn’t answer your prayers. Look. God only speaks to humans in two ways: through prophetic nightmares and bodily pain and infirmity….If the human is lucky, maybe an angel might convince God to spare him. So maybe you should think about what God is trying to tell you.

Job 2: The bet continues

The next time the angels checked in with God, God was all, See Satan, I told you my boy Job wouldn’t curse me. I won the bet!

Satan was all, Don’t do a victory dance yet, God. See, Job still has his health. Take that away, and I’m sure he’ll curse you.

God was all, You’re on!

So Satan caused Job to develop running pustules from head to toe. As he sat picking at his sores, his wife was all, You’re disgusting. Curse God and die already.

Then Job’s three best friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, came to console Job. They sat in silence for a long time.

Job 1: God and Satan make a bet

Once upon a time, there was a wealthy man named Job who was a devout follower of God.

Now one day, in another dimension or sphere or something, all the angels went to report to God. One of the angels was Satan, and it reported that it had been traveling around Earth. God was all, What do you think about the human Job? He seems to worship me better than anyone else!

Satan was all, Yeah that guy. He only worships you like that because he’s prosperous. If he lost everything, I bet he’ll curse you, just like the rest of them. Continue reading “Job 1: God and Satan make a bet”

II Kings 19

Hezekiah was pretty upset at Tartan’s message, so he sent his butler, his secretary and his stenographer on to the prophet Isaiah for some advice. Isaiah told the lackeys to tell the king that God had his back.

Lo and behold, early next morning, General Tartan broke camp without warning and headed back to King Sennacherb to the front in Libnah. Of course, within a few years, Sennacherb again sent a large army with threatening messages to accost Hezekiah at the walls of Jerusalem. Hezekiah prayed so prettily that God told Isaiah to tell Hezekiah that It would rout the Assyrians, but that in return, the Judeans would have to refrain from sowing for the next two years and live entirely off the forage and volunteers.

That night, an angel came and smote 185,000 Assyrians, causing the rest to flee and for many jobs to be created in Judah.

Sometime later, back in the Assyrian capital of Nineveh, while Sennacherb was praying in the temple of Nisroch, his two sons, Adrammelech and Sharezer, murdered him. His other son, Esarhaddon, became king.