Daniel 12: The end

The angel continued, Then the world will end and the holy dead will rise and go to heaven in the rapture.

Daniel was all, So when’s all this supposed to happen?

And the angel was all, A really long time from now. Don’t worry about it. Just continue being your awesome self.

The end

Next time Hosea, a misogynistic trip back into time to before the exile

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Daniel 11: The North and South

The angel continued, So look, Dan, there’s only going to be four more Persian kings. That fourth king is going to pick a fight with Greece and lose. Then there will be a mighty Greek king, but his kingdom will get divided up after he dies.

Then there will be a King in the North and a King in the South. They will war, and then attempt to reconcile by marrying a southern princess to the King in the North. Unfortunately, it will be a red wedding and one of her kinsman will arise to seek vengeance. This southron will defeat the North and sack Winterfell. But then the King in the North will rally and invade the South and defeat it. They will continue to fight for generations, but eventually the North will win and that northern king will set himself up as a god.

Daniel 10: Dan sees an angel

In the third year of Cyrus’s reign, Daniel had a vision about an upcoming war or three. He had been depressed and had abstained from drinking or eating flavorful foods or using moisturizers for three whole weeks. One day, he trudged on down to the Tigris to look at the waters. There he saw a man or something that had lightning for a face and bronze for his body and really nice clothes. Daniel fainted. The shiny man woke him up and was all, Don’t be afraid. God loves you. I’m here to tell you about a war between Persia and Greece.

Daniel 9: Daniel prays

In the first year of Darius’s reign, Daniel realized that the 70 years of exile prophesied by Jeremiah were about up. So he prayed. He prayed, O God, we are a bunch of lowly worms that cheated on you and broke your rules and were punished just like you said we would be. Please forgive us and restore Jerusalem!

Then the angel Gabriel appeared and was all, Yo, Dan, God really loves you and It wants you to know that there are still 70 weeks of punishment left. Then it will take 7 more weeks to rebuild Jerusalem. Unfortunately, after 62 weeks more it will all be destroyed again.

Daniel 8: Dream again

In the third year of Belshazzar’s reign, Daniel dreamed he was standing beside the Ulai Canal in Susa where he saw a mighty ram with mighty horns that rammed everyone and everything that came in its path. But then a one-horned goat appeared and charged the ram and broke its horns. Then the goat ruled the canal. Only its horn broke and four grew in its place. One of these new horns grew all the way to heaven and demanded that everyone worship it. Then a voice said in 2300 days, the Temple will be rebuilt! Then the voice said, Gabriel, explain to Daniel what all this means. So an angel appeared and told Daniel that the ram represented the Persian empire and the goat represented the Greek kingdoms, which would dominate the world until they too were toppled.

Then Daniel awoke, but he was so disturbed he stayed in bed for like a week.

Daniel 7: Daniel’s dream

In the first year of Belshazzar’s reign, Daniel had a dream. In the dream were four beasts that emerged from the sea. The first beast was a winged lion, but then the wings were torn off and it stood on its hind legs and spoke and thought like a human. The second beast was a bear. This one also stood on two legs, only it was a back and a front paw. It had bones in its mouth and ate voraciously. The third beast was a winged leopard with four heads and it was the king. The fourth beast…the fourth beast was a monster with ten horns, and iron teeth, and great crushing feet. Then a tiny horn grew in place of three of the horns. This tiny horn had eyes and a mouth and it looked at Daniel and said, The Ancient of Days, in his white robes with his white woolly hair, ¬†sits on his throne with his court of thousands.

Then all the beasts died and burned up. Then an angel came and went before the Ancient of Days and became the ruler of the world.

In the dream, Daniel was freaking out, so he asked one of the court to tell him what the hell was going on. That guy was all, The four beasts are four kings that will rule and then fall and then the followers of God will finally get a forever ruler.

Daniel 4: More bad dreams

Nebuchadnezzar had another bad dream. He dreamed of an enormous tree, full of fruit and sheltering many animals–like the Tree of Souls. But then an angel appeared and ordered, Cut down the tree and bronze the stump! Then the angel looked through Nebuchadnezzar and intoned, Let him swap minds with an animal and live like one for seven years!

No one could interpret the dream but Daniel. But Daniel didn’t want to upset the king. Nebuchadnezzar was all, It’s alright. Just give me the news.

Daniel answered, Um, well. I really wish this dream was about someone else, like the king’s enemies. But here goes. God is mad at you and has decided that you are going to become a crazy homeless man for seven years. But there’s hope! The roots left in the ground means you will be restored.¬† Continue reading “Daniel 4: More bad dreams”

Ezekiel 41: Keep pimping

The entrance to the inner Temple should be huge! Like 9 feet high and 7 feet wide. Those double doors will open onto the nave that will lead to the center–the holiest of holies–my own special room!

I want the inner court and Temple wood paneled from floor to ceiling! And the paneling should be carved. The pattern will be a palm tree flanked by two cherubim–because those things are freaky as hell!

The vestibule connecting the inner Temple court to the inner Temple should be covered by a wood awning, and I want palm trees growing everywhere. When you think there are too many palm trees, plant some more!

This building should be three stories high and make sure to leave room for outbuildings.

 

Ezekiel 9: Avenging angels

Then God called out, Come, my vengancers! And six armed men appeared, accompanied by a seventh who carried notebooks and pens. God told the recording angel to go through Jerusalem and put a mark on anyone’s forehead who reprobated their cheating, polytheistic neighbors. Then It told the avenging angels to kill anyone without a mark.

At that command, I fell on my face and begged God to have mercy on the Jews, but It was all, The Jews are cheating whores who deserve death.