Amos 4: We’re being punished

So listen up you lazy cows who sit around demanding your slaves wait on you! God’s pissed. And It plans on casting you out, so you had better repent and offer some scacrifices.

It’s amazing that you guys haven’t figured it out yet. I mean, half of you are starving to death and still haven’t repented. This drought? It’s a punishment from God. The blights that have destroyed several harvests over the past several years? Punishments from God. And the all the wars and the defeats we’ve suffered? Punishments from God! But nothing’s worked and still you sin on, so now God, the creator of the world, is going to take you out of it!

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Amos 2: The rest of the shit list

Moab will burn for crushing Edom.

Judah will burn for cheating on God.

Israel will burn because they sell off God’s dishes, get drunk on the sacrificial wine, treat poor people like shit, and turn a blind eye when fathers and sons both have sex with the same girl.

God will destroy all these nations like It did the Amorites. God brought you out of slavery and Egypt and rose you up high and It will cast you down!

Hosea 13: Ingrates

They worship calf statues in Israel! They practice human sacrifice! And after all I’ve done for them too! I mean, I freed them from slavery, and fed them as the wandered around the desert for 40 years after I cursed them for worshiping a calf statue the first time. And then I helped them conquer the Promised Land, but did they commit total genocide like I asked them to? And now, a new calf statue to pray to!

But they’ll be sorry. I’ll make them pay. I’ll rip them up like a lion on a gazelle. *They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to pieces, pregnant women ripped open!

 

*This is word for word from Hosea 13:16

Jeremiah 34: Do not pass Go

Jeremiah got thrown in jail because, when Zedekiah rebelled against Babylon and Nebuchadnezzar besieged the city, he made a point to go to the king and tell him that Jerusalem would fall and Zedekiah would be captured, taken back to Babylon and there be executed–but, at least he could look forward to a state funeral–he was king after all.

One of the reasons God had decided to punish Jerusalem with horror, pestilence, and famine was because they were breaking God’s slaver laws that declared that Hebrew slaves had to be freed after seven years.

Isaiah 50

Isaiah said, God wants to ask you if It divorced your mother and made you a bastard? If It sold you to pay for Its debts? Of course It hasn’t! God is all powerful, and with a word It can dry up all the seas and make every fish gasp and rot!

You should listen to me because God talks to me. And I’m telling you that you should fear God. Trust It, but fear It too! If you don’t you will burn in torment.

Ecclesiastes 2: Sex parties suck

So, Solomon continued, since wisdom blew, I decided to drown my sorrows in pleasure. Since I have all the money that anyone could ask for, I had made slaves buy the best food and cook the most delicious meals. I drank the best wines. I hired the best comedians, actors and singers. I stocked my harem full of the most delectable concubines and I kept plenty of hot slaves of both sexes who I would order to fuck in front of me when I just wanted to watch.  I mean, I had every pleasure money could buy. But did any of it make me happy?

I was still bored and depressed. Hedonism is just meaningless. I was still going to die. And so were all my hot slaves. They would just grow old and gross and die, probably riddled with STDs since condoms and antibiotics haven’t been invented yet. So I went back to being studious and wise. But that still sucked. I mean, it was better than dissipation, but it was still meaningless.

I mean, I’m so freaking depressed. Why am I alive? Why is anyone? Why do we all struggle and toil every. single. day? Pleasure is meaningless. Work is meaningless. Wealth and wisdom are meaningless. Ugh.

Esther 2: The Bachelor, c.480 BCE

Then the king commanded that all the beautiful young virgins from every corner of the kingdom be gathered at Susa and housed in the harem and given access to all the best beauty aids and then he would choose the most pleasing to be Miss Pers–er–the next queen.

The gathered virgins would each spend a year in the harem undergoing rigorous beauty treatments and charm schooling before being presented to the king for deflowering. After which, she would be sent into the harem for the concubines to await her fate. If she was lucky, she would be chosen Queen. If she wasn’t, her runner-up prize was to be a sex slave in the royal harem instead.  Continue reading “Esther 2: The Bachelor, c.480 BCE”

Nehemiah 5: My generosity

Soon after work on the wall commenced, many poor families came to me as their new governor, lamenting that they had been forced to mortgage their fields and homes during a famine at interest, and now their creditors were demanding that they sell their children into slavery to pay on the debts.

When I learned these creditors were Jewish, I waxed wroth. Does not the holy writ say no interest shall be laid upon loans between sons of Israel? So I called together all the nobles and officials and sorely I chided them for their ungodly usury until they hid their faces in shame. They vowed to return all that had been mortgage forthwith.

My generosity as governor was so great that during the 12 years I ruled, not once did I demand the food allowance with which other governors had taxed the people. Moreover, I held a feast each day, prepared at mine own expense, to which I invited no less than 150 men.