Ezekiel 18: Another dumb proverb

God said, I heard another one of you humans’ stupid proverbs the other day: “Parents eat sour grapes, and their children grimace.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? The children pay for their parents’ stupidity? Where did you guys get that dumb idea? That’s just stupid. Everybody is held accountable for their own actions. If a man is good and follows my laws–if he loves only me,  pays his debts, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t sleep with his friends wives, doesn’t sleep with his own when she’s on her period (ew!)–then he’s gravy! It doesn’t matter if his son is a total shithead who steals, cheats, lies, murders, rapes, or even has period sex! The son pays for his sin, the father is rewarded. And say the son has a son, and that guy is like, I don’t want to be like my father and instead acts like his grandpa, then he’s good too! It doesn’t matter that I punished his father for being sinful! Am I a monster? God asked, spreading Its mighty chrome arms.

I ventured to ask about if people sin some and do good some, but God interrupted: What?! What do you mean that most humans aren’t all bad or all good? Look, I’ll forgive a human who does sin and then asks for forgiveness, but only if he stops sinning. If a human does a lot of good and then sins, none of that good matters. Only the last thing he did counts. I don’t care if humans think that’s fair or not.

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Jeremiah 45: By the way

By the way, it is really important to know that back when Baruch was helping Jeremiah write his book, he kept whining about his hard lot at being stuck at helping Jeremiah, so Jeremiah told him that God had a message: Suck it up, buckaroo. God was turning everyone’s life to shit. But…for helping Jeremiah out, God would make sure that Baruch wouldn’t be murdered during the wars.

Jeremiah 41: About that warning

Seven months later, Ishmael murdered Gedaliah and a bunch of his followers and threw their bodies down a well until it was full–apparently that was a thing back then. Anyway, then he gathered up all the survivors to take as captives back to the Ammonites. However, General Johanan routed him and saved the captives. Johanan then became the new leader of the Jews by default. He thought they should all go back to Egypt.

Jeremiah 39: Jerusalem Falls

Jeremiah told Ebed-melech that because of his good deed, he would be spared and freed at the fall of Jerusalem.

Not long after, the Babylonians breached the city walls and Jerusalem was overran. The king and his court tried to flee, but were captured. Nebuchadnezzar made Zedekiah watch as all of his sons and most of his nobles were executed. Then he had Zedekiah’s eyes put out and force marched with the remaining Judeans to Babylon. The palace and the Temple were burned. Nebuchadnezzar told his general he left on clean up to treat Jeremiah well. As we’ll find out in the next chapter, that meant Jeremiah got to stay in Jerusalem, at least for a little while

Jeremiah 38: Jeremiah’s in the well

Although Jeremiah was in prison, Pashur, his son, and some other officials didn’t think that was punishment enough because everyone knew about his prophesying defeat and destruction and it was really demoralizing. So they asked the king to have Jeremiah executed. Zedekiah was all, I gave him my word that I wouldn’t kill him, but….. So the officials seized Jeremiah and threw him into Prince Malchiah’s well. Unfortunately,  there was no water in the well, so Jeremiah just sunk into the mud.

When Ebed-melech, an Ethiopian eunuch who belonged to the king, heard what had happened, he stormed to Zedekiah and was all, Sire, those officials have committed a great evil! So Zedekiah told him to take some men and get Jeremiah out of the well. Continue reading “Jeremiah 38: Jeremiah’s in the well”

Psalm 51: David’s lament after he got chastised for forcing Bathsheba to have sex with him and then had her husband killed to cover it up.

God don’t call anymore.

It’s so different from the way it was before.

Everyday I listen for Its voice.

I have no choice, but to be all alone without God.

There’s so many mistakes we make as king.

But I think this is something worth fixing.

I take all the blame for fucking that girl

God, I could still be your shiny pearl.

She didn’t mean anything to me. (nothing)

She wasn’t the one I see in my dreams. (oh no)

God, you know it ain’t true.

Please accept my apology.

Please accept my apology.

I didn’t mean to hurt you, God.

 

II Chronicles 33

When Hezekiah’s son Manasseh inherited the throne, he brought back the other old time religion of Baal and Ashtaroth, like in II Kings 21.

Here we find out that to punish him for cheating, God let the Babylonians capture Manasseh and hold him hostage in Babylon. While there, he came to regret his cheating ways and begged God to forgive him and promised never to cheat again, so God let him go back to Jerusalem.

Once there, he reinstated his father’s religious reforms and began working on building up the city walls, and that’s why he got to die of old age instead of murder or plague or something.

However, his son Amon inherited throne, promptly cheated on God, and got murdered by servants after only a couple years.

II Chronicles 24

As we learned in II Kings 12, Joash instituted tax reforms to repair the Temple, but in his old age, he began to cheat on God, so his first cousin Zechariah prophesied against him. So he had Zechariah stoned to death. In retaliation, God let Syrian defeat Judah and plunder Jerusalem. Joash was badly wounded in this attack, so his servants too the opportunity to finish him off.

II Chronicles 22

Jehoram’s 22 year old son, Ahaziah inherited the throne. As we learned in II Kings 8, Ahaziah continued the alliance with Israel and marched out to war with King Jehoram of Israel.  And as we learned in II Kings 9: Israel gets a new dynasty, that proved fatal to both kings. And as we learned in II Kings 11: Murderous grandmother, Ahaziah’s mother Athaliah took that opportunity to kill of her other sons, step-sons, and grandsons–except for the youngest one, an infant named Joash, who was hidden by his aunt Jehoshabeath, who was married to the priest Jehoiada, who would later lead the charge against Athalia.

II Chronicles 21

As we learned in II Kings 8, Jehoshaphat’s eldest son Jehoram inherited the throne, and his wife Athaliah converted him to the worship of Baal and Asherah. But Jehoshaphat was a considerate father and left all of his sons wealthy and in charge of their own cities. This made Jehoram uneasy, so as soon as he had solidified his power in Jerusalem, he  murdered all of his brothers and a few Israelite princes (relatives of his wife) just to safe.

Unfortunately, this didn’t bring stability, because Edom rebelled against Judah, and so did other tribute nations, and Judah lost.

Then Elijah sent Jehoram a letter informing him that God was pissed he was cheating on It–and that he had killed his brothers, too–but mostly for cheating on It! so God would visit a plague on Judah that would cause Jehoram to shit his guts out.

And lo, first the Philistines and Arabians invaded Judah and plundered Jerusalem and killed all but one of Jehoram’s sons. Then some horrible GI plague attacked the land, and Jehoram was not spared. He suffered for two years before he finally shit his guts out and died. His reign was a mere 8 years long. No one was sad to see him go. In fact, he was so despised that there were no mourning ceremonies and his body was not entombed with the kings.