Jonah ben Amittai was going about his business one day when suddenly God said to him, Go to Nineveh and tell them that their sinning has angered me, so I plan on destroying the city.
Now Jonah wanted no part of this task. He knew how prophets were usually received, and really, who wanted to go on a fool’s errand anyway? So instead he went down to the docks in Joppa and paid passage on a ship headed to Tarshish. Jonah went down to his berth and fell fast asleep–running away from God is exhausting.
While he was sleeping, a mighty tempest arose and the sailors were barely able to keep the ship afloat. While the crew was in the process of throwing all the cargo overboard in the hopes to avoid capsizing, the captain realized that Jonah was still sound asleep. He was all, Dude! How can you sleep?! Look if you ain’t gonna help save the ship, you could at least pray to whatever god you worship to spare us from a watery grave! Continue reading “Jonah 1: Jonah’s adventures at sea”
Amos told everyone, God showed me possible futures. First, God showed me a swarm of locusts eating up the harvests and everyone starving. I begged it not to do that to us. So It said It wouldn’t. Then It showed me a wildfire burning up Israel, and again I begged It to please not let that happen. And God said It wouldn’t. Later it showed me a really straight tall wall, and asked, what do you see? And I answered, a wall. And It was, Exactly. This wall means that I will spare Israel no longer. It will be destroyed.
Because Amos went around telling people stuff like this, the priest Amaziah sent a letter complaining to King Jeroboam that Amos was a troublemaker. On the king’s authority, Amaziah told Amos to get the hell out of Israel and go back to Judah. Amos was all, Look, I’m just a shepherd. But God commanded me to come to Israel to tell you all these things. And It tells me I have to stay and continue. So for trying to stop me, God will curse you. Your wife will become a whore and you children will be murdered. Your land will be stolen and you will be sent into exile with the rest of the Israelites.
God said, I heard another one of you humans’ stupid proverbs the other day: “Parents eat sour grapes, and their children grimace.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? The children pay for their parents’ stupidity? Where did you guys get that dumb idea? That’s just stupid. Everybody is held accountable for their own actions. If a man is good and follows my laws–if he loves only me, pays his debts, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t sleep with his friends wives, doesn’t sleep with his own when she’s on her period (ew!)–then he’s gravy! It doesn’t matter if his son is a total shithead who steals, cheats, lies, murders, rapes, or even has period sex! The son pays for his sin, the father is rewarded. And say the son has a son, and that guy is like, I don’t want to be like my father and instead acts like his grandpa, then he’s good too! It doesn’t matter that I punished his father for being sinful! Am I a monster? God asked, spreading Its mighty chrome arms.
I ventured to ask about if people sin some and do good some, but God interrupted: What?! What do you mean that most humans aren’t all bad or all good? Look, I’ll forgive a human who does sin and then asks for forgiveness, but only if he stops sinning. If a human does a lot of good and then sins, none of that good matters. Only the last thing he did counts. I don’t care if humans think that’s fair or not.
By the way, it is really important to know that back when Baruch was helping Jeremiah write his book, he kept whining about his hard lot at being stuck at helping Jeremiah, so Jeremiah told him that God had a message: Suck it up, buckaroo. God was turning everyone’s life to shit. But…for helping Jeremiah out, God would make sure that Baruch wouldn’t be murdered during the wars.
Seven months later, Ishmael murdered Gedaliah and a bunch of his followers and threw their bodies down a well until it was full–apparently that was a thing back then. Anyway, then he gathered up all the survivors to take as captives back to the Ammonites. However, General Johanan routed him and saved the captives. Johanan then became the new leader of the Jews by default. He thought they should all go back to Egypt.
Jeremiah told Ebed-melech that because of his good deed, he would be spared and freed at the fall of Jerusalem.
Not long after, the Babylonians breached the city walls and Jerusalem was overran. The king and his court tried to flee, but were captured. Nebuchadnezzar made Zedekiah watch as all of his sons and most of his nobles were executed. Then he had Zedekiah’s eyes put out and force marched with the remaining Judeans to Babylon. The palace and the Temple were burned. Nebuchadnezzar told his general he left on clean up to treat Jeremiah well. As we’ll find out in the next chapter, that meant Jeremiah got to stay in Jerusalem, at least for a little while
Although Jeremiah was in prison, Pashur, his son, and some other officials didn’t think that was punishment enough because everyone knew about his prophesying defeat and destruction and it was really demoralizing. So they asked the king to have Jeremiah executed. Zedekiah was all, I gave him my word that I wouldn’t kill him, but….. So the officials seized Jeremiah and threw him into Prince Malchiah’s well. Unfortunately, there was no water in the well, so Jeremiah just sunk into the mud.
When Ebed-melech, an Ethiopian eunuch who belonged to the king, heard what had happened, he stormed to Zedekiah and was all, Sire, those officials have committed a great evil! So Zedekiah told him to take some men and get Jeremiah out of the well. Continue reading “Jeremiah 38: Jeremiah’s in the well”
God don’t call anymore.
It’s so different from the way it was before.
Everyday I listen for Its voice.
I have no choice, but to be all alone without God.
There’s so many mistakes we make as king.
But I think this is something worth fixing.
I take all the blame for fucking that girl
God, I could still be your shiny pearl.
She didn’t mean anything to me. (nothing)
She wasn’t the one I see in my dreams. (oh no)
God, you know it ain’t true.
Please accept my apology.
Please accept my apology.
I didn’t mean to hurt you, God.
When Hezekiah’s son Manasseh inherited the throne, he brought back the other old time religion of Baal and Ashtaroth, like in II Kings 21.
Here we find out that to punish him for cheating, God let the Babylonians capture Manasseh and hold him hostage in Babylon. While there, he came to regret his cheating ways and begged God to forgive him and promised never to cheat again, so God let him go back to Jerusalem.
Once there, he reinstated his father’s religious reforms and began working on building up the city walls, and that’s why he got to die of old age instead of murder or plague or something.
However, his son Amon inherited throne, promptly cheated on God, and got murdered by servants after only a couple years.
As we learned in II Kings 12, Joash instituted tax reforms to repair the Temple, but in his old age, he began to cheat on God, so his first cousin Zechariah prophesied against him. So he had Zechariah stoned to death. In retaliation, God let Syrian defeat Judah and plunder Jerusalem. Joash was badly wounded in this attack, so his servants too the opportunity to finish him off.