God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”
Another time God said to me, Human, let me explain my disgust and anger at Jerusalem in terms you might be able to understand, in human terms. Imagine Jerusalem is a woman, my wife even. Now, imagine that the first time I met her she was just a newborn–like just born, because I found her in a dumpster with her umbilical cord still attached because her unwed mother was ashamed of her half-breed bastard and threw her away. But I felt sorry for the mewling thing and took her out of the trash and cleaned her up and found her a loving foster home.
Later, when she was a pubertal teenager, I saw her budding breasts and the curling hair sprouting on her vulva, and I thought, that’s a flower I’d like to pluck, but I waited a few years, until she was ready for love. And when I fucked her did I just leave her? No! I helped her wipe the blood off and even massaged fragrant oil into the sore places. Then I married her! I gave her beautiful clothes and expensive jewelry. I fed her lobster and champagne whenever she wanted. She was a queen! And when Jerusalem lorded it over my exes, Sodom and Samaria, I said nothing. Continue reading “Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning”
So Jeremiah went forth and declared, Everyone! Everyone who’s a son of Abraham! Gather round and here what God wants you to know! God sends this message, I remember the good days, Israel, when you were my blushing bride. We were so happy. But you’ve turned from me! Found other gods! Cheated and whored, you slut! Why wasn’t the land of milk and honey and ME enough? Why did you have to chase after Baal and all those other gods? Other countries remain true to their gods and their gods are fake! And you had me, the only REAL god, the best god! Yet you cheat! You whore yourself out at every shrine and temple you find!
Isaiah assured everyone that God had not forgotten about Tyre, and that that city would come in for God’s wrath too. It would also be destroyed by Assyria. And lo, its mighty merchant fleet would sink to the bottom of the sea! All countries would suffer without the Tyrian fleet to carry their goods! The city will be desolate for 70 years! But like the whore she is, Tyre will again prosper, selling her goods and her wares!
Josiah brought back the old-old time religion. He was super zealous in following all the newly discovered laws and making sure all his people did too. He destroyed all religious icons and temples, including the elaborate altar commissioned by Ahaz and the calves commissioned centuries earlier by Jeroboam. He outlawed necromancy. He even eradicated the religious male prostitution that had sprung back up. He also rounded up all the priests for these various outlawed religions and burned them on the altar as human sacrifice. Then he made people celebrate Passover for the first time in centuries.
Because Judah was a tribute kingdom, when Assyria and Egypt had to defend the empire against rebellious Babylon and its allies, Josiah and his forces went out to war. Josiah died. So his son Jehohaz became king. But, he only reigned three months because Pharaoh Neco took him as ransom and demanded a yearly tribute of nearly four tons of silver and 75 pounds of gold. Neco left Josiah’s other son Eliakim as king-but he changed his name to Jehoiakim. Jehoiakim reigned 11 years.
Back in Judah, King Jehoshaphat continued in his godly ways and even stamped out the last of the male prostitutes. He also made peace with Ahab. He and Ahab were good friends and allies and sealed their truce through the exchange of daughters, as people did in the Bronze Age.
One spring, Ahab decided he wanted to reclaim Ramoth-gilead from the Syrians and asked Jehoshaphat to aid him. Jehoshaphat was all, Of course, friend! But let us consult some prophets about our chances first!
So Ahab gathered 400 prophets of his own choosing and they each and all augured victory. But Jehoshaphat wasn’t convinced of their godliness–something didn’t seem particularly…canonical about their prophesying. So he asked Ahab if there wasn’t any other, more Hebrew, prophets they could consult? Ahab was all, yeah, there’s this one nearby, but I hate him! If never has anything good to tell me. Nevertheless, Jehoshaphat insisted, and Micaiah was called. Continue reading “I Kings 22: The End of Ahab”
In Judah, Abijam ruled for three years. His mother or possibly wife was Maacah, a high priestess of Ashtaroth. When he died, Asa, who was either his son or his brother, became king. Asa removed Maacah from any influence in government and destroyed her asherim. He also destroyed as many other idols as he could and he outlawed male prostitution.
When Asa died, his son Jehoshapat became king.
Back in Israel, Nadab only held the throne for two years before one of his generals, Baasha, conspired against him and murdered him. Then Baasha murdered all of Nadab’s male relatives, just as Ahijah had prophesied.
Baasha reigned for 24 years. He and Asa were at war the entire time. At one point, he tried to build a fortress on the Judaean border, but Asa hired King Ben-hadad of Syria to come defeat Baasha. Not only did Ben-hadad stop construction on the fortress, but he also captured many cities in Dan and all of the territory of Naphtali.
Asa used the abandoned building materials to refurbish Geba and Mizpah.
Rehoboam reigned in Judah for 17 years. His mother was an Ammonite princess, and he continued in all his father’s heretical practices of worshiping the Baals and Ashtaroth and other gods. He even allowed male cult prostitution to flourish.
In the fifth year of his reign, King Shishak of Egypt came and raided Jerusalem and robbed the Temple.
Rehoboam was also at constant war with Jeroboam.
When Rehoboam died, his son Abijam became king.
Over in Israel, Jeroboam ruled 22 years. Sometime after Abijam came to the other throne, one of Jeroboam’s sons got really sick, so he told his wife to put on a disguise and go consult the prophet Ahijah. The prophet, though old and blind, was unfooled by her disguise and was all, Oh wife of Jeroboam, tell your husband that his heresies have so angered God that It will smite every male in his family! Dogs and birds shall pick their corpses. Moreover, the ill child will die as soon as you step foot in Tirzah!
When Jeroboam died, his son Nadab ascended the throne.
One night God came to Solomon in a dream and was all, I’ll give you one wish, whatever you want. So Solomon wished for wisdom. Then God was so excited about Solomon’s wish that It promised him riches and honor too.
The best example of Solomon’s wisdom is the time he judged between two arguing prostitutes.
See these two tricks lived together because times was hard and hooking ain’t easy and both had babies whose daddies done split. One night Krystal’s baby up and died from SIDS or something so she sneaked over to Chastity’s side of the hovel and traded the dead baby for the live one.
In the morning Chastity started screaming when she found the dead baby. Then she was all, wait a minute. This ain’t my kid. Where my baby at? Krystal you skank ass ho you took my baby didn’t you? This dead thing’s your! Give me back my baby! Continue reading “I Kings 3: Solomon’s Wisdom”
Samson never seemed to marry again, but he always had a thing for Philistine chicks. Like this one time, when he went down to Gaza to visit a prostitute he had thing for, the townspeople set up an ambush, but instead of catching Samson when he left late that night, he just tore down the gates and carried them off while the town guard stood there agape.
But the girl that was Samson’s downfall was Delilah. She was this Philistine girl that Samson just had to have. But she wasn’t just a common hooker to be won easy. In fact, she couldn’t stand Samson. But the town leaders came to her and were all, Delilah, if you seduce him and find out what will make him weak, we’ll make you a rich woman. Suffer through his weird dick until you find out the secret! You won’t regret it. Continue reading “Judges 16: Samson and Delilah”