Amos 7: Woe to those who try to silence critics

Amos told everyone,  God showed me possible futures. First, God showed me a swarm of locusts eating up the harvests and everyone starving. I begged it not to do that to us. So It said It wouldn’t. Then It showed me a wildfire burning up Israel, and again I begged It to please not let that happen. And God said It wouldn’t. Later it showed me a really straight tall wall, and asked, what do you see? And I answered, a wall. And It was, Exactly. This wall means that I will spare Israel no longer. It will be destroyed.

Because Amos went around telling people stuff like this, the priest Amaziah sent a letter complaining to King Jeroboam that Amos was a troublemaker. On the king’s authority, Amaziah told Amos to get the hell out of Israel and go back to Judah. Amos was all, Look, I’m just a shepherd. But God commanded me to come to Israel to tell you all these things. And It tells me I have to stay and continue. So for trying to stop me, God will curse you. Your wife will become a whore and you children will be murdered. Your land will be stolen and you will be sent into exile with the rest of the Israelites.

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Joel 3: A final word

Then Joel was all, this is God’s message. It says, I love Judah! It will have a glorious future of wealth and prosperity!

But Egypt, Edom, and Israel will be screwed. Israel sold its kids into prostitution to get drunk. I will serve it in turn!

And what’s up with you, Tyre, Sidon, and Philistia? You still mad about the genocide I ordered centuries ago? You think that just because I’m mad at Israel, you can sell it out? You’re still on my shit list, yo.

 

And so ends Joel. Up next, more prophets foretelling the destruction of Israel and/or Judah. 

Hosea 3: Can’t make a ho a housewife

Of course Gomer cheated on Hosea and left him. God told Hosea to go get his wife back. So he bought her from her lover for six ounces of silver and 430 pounds of barley. When they were reunited, he said, Look, you’re mine and you gotta stop cheating and whoring. I’ll be good to you. Besides, don’t you now our marriage is supposed to symbolize God’s union with Israel? Take this seriously, babe.

Hosea 2: Go tell your mother

God said, Hey Hosea, Tell your mother Israel that she is not my girl anymore. Tell her she’s a cheating whore and I’m going to strip her down and expose her to her lovers, the Baals. I’m going to take away all my food and wine and gold and holidays. I’m going to ruin her vines and fig trees….But, then tell her, that after I’ve humiliated and debased her, I’ll take her back. Then she won’t call me by other gods’ names and it will be like the old days back when we met in Egypt.

Hosea 1: Hey, Hosea

Hosea ben Beeri first started talking to God back when when Jeroboam was king of Israel.

The first thing God told Hosea was to go find a slutty woman and marry her to represent how God currently felt about Israel. So Hosea searched and searched and eventually found Gomer, the most promiscuous girl in town.

He decided to assume the kids were his. The first one was a boy and God told him to name it Jezreel, in honor of the massacre of Israelites in Jezreel that God had planned. The next one was a girl. God said to name it Not Loved, because that’s how It felt about Israel. The third kid was named Not My People, because God was breaking up with Israel.

Ezekiel 23: More misogyny

God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”