Hosea 5

Hosea continued, God says you are all doomed! Israel is a cheating whore and God is breaking up with you!

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Hosea 3: Can’t make a ho a housewife

Of course Gomer cheated on Hosea and left him. God told Hosea to go get his wife back. So he bought her from her lover for six ounces of silver and 430 pounds of barley. When they were reunited, he said, Look, you’re mine and you gotta stop cheating and whoring. I’ll be good to you. Besides, don’t you now our marriage is supposed to symbolize God’s union with Israel? Take this seriously, babe.

Hosea 2: Go tell your mother

God said, Hey Hosea, Tell your mother Israel that she is not my girl anymore. Tell her she’s a cheating whore and I’m going to strip her down and expose her to her lovers, the Baals. I’m going to take away all my food and wine and gold and holidays. I’m going to ruin her vines and fig trees….But, then tell her, that after I’ve humiliated and debased her, I’ll take her back. Then she won’t call me by other gods’ names and it will be like the old days back when we met in Egypt.

Hosea 1: Hey, Hosea

Hosea ben Beeri first started talking to God back when when Jeroboam was king of Israel.

The first thing God told Hosea was to go find a slutty woman and marry her to represent how God currently felt about Israel. So Hosea searched and searched and eventually found Gomer, the most promiscuous girl in town.

He decided to assume the kids were his. The first one was a boy and God told him to name it Jezreel, in honor of the massacre of Israelites in Jezreel that God had planned. The next one was a girl. God said to name it Not Loved, because that’s how It felt about Israel. The third kid was named Not My People, because God was breaking up with Israel.

Ezekiel 23: More misogyny

God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”

Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning

Another time God said to me, Human, let me explain my disgust and anger at Jerusalem in terms you might be able to understand, in human terms. Imagine Jerusalem is a woman, my wife even. Now, imagine that the first time I met her she was just a newborn–like just born, because I found her in a dumpster with her umbilical cord still attached because her unwed mother was ashamed of her half-breed bastard and threw her away. But I felt sorry for the mewling thing and took her out of the trash and cleaned her up and found her a loving foster home.

Later, when she was a pubertal teenager, I saw her budding breasts and the curling hair sprouting on her vulva, and I thought, that’s a flower I’d like to pluck, but I waited a few years, until she was ready for love. And when I fucked her did I just leave her? No! I helped her wipe the blood off and even massaged fragrant oil into the sore places. Then I married her! I gave her beautiful clothes and expensive jewelry. I fed her lobster and champagne whenever she wanted. She was a queen! And when Jerusalem lorded it over my exes, Sodom and Samaria, I said nothing.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning”

Jeremiah 2: Jeremiah’s first prophecy

So Jeremiah went forth and declared, Everyone! Everyone who’s a son of Abraham! Gather round and here what God wants you to know! God sends this message, I remember the good days, Israel, when you were my blushing bride. We were so happy. But you’ve turned from me! Found other gods! Cheated and whored, you slut! Why wasn’t the land of milk and honey and ME enough? Why did you have to chase after Baal and all those other gods? Other countries remain true to their gods and their gods are fake! And you had me, the only REAL god, the best god! Yet you cheat! You whore yourself out at every shrine and temple you find!

Isaiah 23: Don’t forget about Tyre

Isaiah assured everyone that God had not forgotten about Tyre, and that that city would come in for God’s wrath too. It would also be destroyed by Assyria. And lo, its mighty merchant fleet would sink to the bottom of the sea! All countries would suffer without the Tyrian fleet to carry their goods! The city will be desolate for 70 years! But like the whore she is, Tyre will again prosper, selling her goods and her wares!

II Kings 23

Josiah brought back the old-old time religion. He was super zealous in following all the newly discovered laws and making sure all his people did too. He destroyed all religious icons and temples, including the elaborate altar commissioned by Ahaz and the calves commissioned centuries earlier by Jeroboam. He outlawed necromancy. He even eradicated the religious male prostitution that had sprung back up. He also rounded up all the priests for these various outlawed religions and burned them on the altar as human sacrifice. Then he made people celebrate Passover for the first time in centuries.

Because Judah was a tribute kingdom, when Assyria and Egypt had to defend the empire against rebellious Babylon and its allies, Josiah and his forces went out to war. Josiah died. So his son Jehohaz became king. But, he only reigned three months because Pharaoh Neco took him as ransom and demanded a yearly tribute of nearly four tons of silver and 75 pounds of gold. Neco left Josiah’s other son Eliakim as king-but he changed his name to Jehoiakim. Jehoiakim reigned 11 years.