Judges 16: Samson and Delilah

Samson never seemed to marry again, but he always had a thing for Philistine chicks. Like this one time, when he went down to Gaza to visit a prostitute he had thing for, the townspeople set up an ambush, but instead of catching Samson when he left late that night, he just tore down the gates and carried them off while the town guard stood there agape.

But the girl that was Samson’s downfall was Delilah. She was this Philistine girl that Samson just had to have. But she wasn’t just a common hooker to be won easy. In fact, she couldn’t stand Samson. But the town leaders came to her and were all, Delilah, if you seduce him and find out what will make him weak, we’ll make you a rich woman. Suffer through his weird dick until you find out the secret! You won’t regret it. Continue reading “Judges 16: Samson and Delilah”

Judges 15: Samson and the Jawbone

A few days later, after Samson cooled down, he picked out a fat young goat and carried it down to Timnah as a peace offering for his wife. But when he got there, her father was all, Oh. Well. Um. Well. You see…. Well. I thought you had abandoned her and I didn’t know what to do with her, you having deflowered her and all, so um, well, I sort of gave her to your best friend? Cuz he said he was used to Samson’s sloppy seconds and didn’t really mind?

Samson was all, fuck you and your whole race! When I make you pay, remember, you have no one to blame but yourself. Continue reading “Judges 15: Samson and the Jawbone”

Judges 14: Samson’s Wedding

One day while Samson was hanging out in Timnah, he fell in love with this Philistine girl. So he went home and asked his parents to arrange the marriage. His parents were all, what? A Philistine girl! Why can’t you find a nice Danite girl to marry? Or any Hebrew girl. You can’t marry one of those heathen Philistines! But Samson insisted, so finally  his parents caved and his dad arranged the match.

Some time later, he was heading down to Timnah to see his girl, when a lion sprung at him, but Samson just grabbed it and tore it apart with his bare hands, and then meandered on his way. He was so casual about it all that he didn’t even mention the lion attack to his girlfriend or her family. On his way home a few days later, he passed by the carcass of the lion. Bees had made a hive inside it, and Samson scooped out a bunch of the honey as a snack to fortify him on his long journey. When he got home, he gave the remaining honey to his parents, but he didn’t tell them where it came from or any part of his adventure.  Continue reading “Judges 14: Samson’s Wedding”

Judges 13: The Birth of Samson

Then the Philistines conquered the Hebrews and ruled them for forty years.

During that time, a Danite man from Zorab named Manoah had but one wife and, alas, she was barren. But then one day, this beautiful young man appeared and told the woman that soon she would conceive a son, but she must be careful not to drink beer or wine or eat any  unclean food while pregnant. Then when she brought forth the boy, she needed to consecrate him to God and promise never to cut his hair. She stood there in awe, flabbergasted, nodding along to everything the man said, and when he was gone, she went and told her husband everything that transpired. She was all, there was something about him not…right. I think he may have been an angel of God!” Continue reading “Judges 13: The Birth of Samson”