Jeremiah 44: But we need a goddess

Being forcibly carried into Egypt by  his compatriots of course didn’t change Jeremiah’s tune. He continued preaching destruction and desolation. In particular he singled out the idolatry of the women who continued offerings and prayers to the Queen of Heaven, hallowed by her name, be it Asherah, Ishtar, Isis, or Aphrodite. Jeremiah intoned, The cheating on God continues, especially among the women, and for that, you are all doomed to destruction!

The men folk told Jeremiah, Go suck an egg, you old debbie downer! Mind your own business and leave us to tend to our women! If you wanted a wife to boss, you shoulda got married! If God didn’t want our wives to make offerings to the Queen of Heaven, then It should have manifested Itself a feminine version for them!

Jeremiah just raised his eyes and said, You should all renew your vows to God and stop cheating on It, or you’ll be sorry! But because you won’t, you’ve condemned Pharaoh Wahibre Haaibre and all his people to death and destruction at the hands of Nebuchadnezzar!

Isaiah 50

Isaiah said, God wants to ask you if It divorced your mother and made you a bastard? If It sold you to pay for Its debts? Of course It hasn’t! God is all powerful, and with a word It can dry up all the seas and make every fish gasp and rot!

You should listen to me because God talks to me. And I’m telling you that you should fear God. Trust It, but fear It too! If you don’t you will burn in torment.

Isaiah 32: One day

One day, Isaiah avowed, one day we will have a good, just ruler. One day everyone will know justice and people will be valued based on their merits!

But all you women who complacently think you have good lives–you should put on rags and start mourning! This place is doomed! In a year, it will be rubble. Besides, city life is full of debauchery. True happiness is only found in the country and in our traditional nomadic lifestyle!

Isaiah 4

Things will get so bad that seven women will ask one man to marry them all to make them honest women! They’ll even tell him that that’s all he’ll have to do. They’ll all keep their jobs and support themselves–they’ll just need his last name!

Those that survive the cleansing of the Lord will be God’s glory. And a cloud will cover Mount Zion by day and it will be a fire at night!

Isaiah 3: Isaiah says God doesn’t like slutty women either

God will make food and water scarce–and God will make good leaders even scarcer! There will be no wise  men, no prophets. No leaders and no generals. Good men asked to lead will refuse. Instead callow boys and women will lead you! Laws will be overturned. Everyone will be rude. Justice will be perverted. Dogs will snuggle with cats!

God is particularly scandalized by these modern women! They are so snobby and slutty! So God will cover their beauty with scabs! It will take away their finery–their bracelets and anklets, their earrings and nose rings, their necklaces and headbands! Even their perfumes and fancy clothes and mink stoles and expensive handbags. Their hats and scarves and hosiery. All of it will be gone! And God will replace it with rags and stench! God will let everyone see their pu…their lady parts!

Isaiah 1: Meet Isaiah

Isaiah was a prophet under four kings of Judah, Uzziah/AzariahJothan, Ahaz, and Hezekiah. So basically, he was that guy who stands on the street corner and yells at everyone passing by about how they’re going to hell and how the world is going to end for over 50 years.  This is a collection of his prophecies.

Isaiah preached that God told him that Judah was doomed. Doomed! For the usual stuff–the people had forsaken It, etc. Isaiah would stand there and tell anyone who would listen, and the empty air, when no one would, that God was going to burn Judah with fire and then let foreigners come in and rule it.

This land is Sodom and Gomorrah, Isaiah would yell. You are such sinners that God no longer accepts your sacrifices! It turns Its nose up at the smell of the burning bull and goat, at your incense! Repent, ye sinners!

Jerusalem is a whore, open to all comers! Isaiah ranted. It’s filled with murders and rebels. Everyone is greedy and oppress the poor! God will punish the city. It will burn out the wicked and restore the city’s righteousness.

Song of Songs 8: And they all live happily ever after

Afterwards, when Solomon was asleep, Sandy cooed over him about how she would love him even if he were poor.

When they came back to town, Sandy’s friends were pretty scandalized at their appearance and took Sandy aside to tell her she looked like hell. But Sandy didn’t care. She was all, this is my man and I love him.

Sandy’s friends were all, We hope our little sisters are as luck as Sandy.

Sand was all, Yes, I am lucky to be one of the king’s women. I wouldn’t give my vineyard to anyone else.

Solomon called out for Sandy and they left together for the happily ever after.

 

Well that concludes that. Next time we start Isaiah, who was a debby-downer for four kings of Judah.

Song of Songs 7: another cheesy sex scene

Solomon really loved to blaze Sandy’s beauties. He really couldn’t get enough of it. One night, he started at her feet, kissing each toe and was all, you have the finest little feet, and those legs go on for days. I just want to lap wine from your belly button. And your boobs! So bouncy and yet so perky! I could nipple your neck for the rest of my life. Your teeth are so straight and perfect and all there! You have to teach the rest of the harem your dental care routine. I drown in your eyes. I love the smell of your hair and the way my fingers get tangled in it.

Then he kissed her and nuzzled her breasts and asked to taste her fruits.

Sandy answered, Yes, oh yes! All my fruit is yours! Let’s walk in the vineyard and make love beneath the blossoming vines!

Song of Songs 6: The friends finally meet Solomon

They made up of course.

On another day, Sandy’s friends came over and were all, So where’s this boy of yours? We want to meet him.

Sandy answered, He went home. But he’ll be back to browse my lilies soon.

Later, when Solomon came to hook up with Sandy, he again raved about how hot she was and about how great it was that she still had all her teeth. He told her, I may have 60 wives and 80 concubines, and I don’t know how many virgins waiting for me to deflower them, but you the one that I want, Sandy.

That evening, Sandy’s friends came back and when they met Solomon, they were all, Like you are pretty swell! What’s your name?

Solomon was all, uh……………I gotta go.

But the friends were all, Oh no you don’t! You’re the king, aren’t you.

Solomon was all, Yeah? And what of it?