Matthew 15: Watch your mouth

Some Pharisees came to Jesus and were all, Your groupies are gross and they break the rules because they don’t wash their hands before meals. Jesus answered, Who are you to judge? You tell people to violate the 4th Commandment. Handwashing isn’t even in the big 10. Besides. It’s not what goes into your mouth that maters–it’s what comes out!

The Pharisees went away pissy, and the groupies were all, Hey, shouldn’t you be worried that you keep pissing them off? But Jesus was all, Fuck those jokers. The blind leading the blind falls into a pit. Then Rocky was all, Could you explain the parable? And Jesus was all, Are you fucking stupid? Ok, so like who cares what you eat or if you wash your hands first. Whatever you eat gets digested and turns to poop, regardless. But what you say comes from your heart and reveals if you’re a good person or if you think about murder, sexual perversions and adultery, lying, stealing, whatever.

Then Jesus and the groupies traveled to Tyre. There a Canaanite woman started following them, hollering for Jesus to save her daughter. The groupies were all, Send this bitch away, Jesus! She’s annoying. But Jesus ignored them. Finally, he was all, Why should I help you when I’ve been sent to save the Jews? And she was all, Dogs can live on scraps. He nodded approvingly and lo! her daughter was healed.

Then he went on to heal a bunch of people and then repeated the loaves and fishes trick to feed another crowd.  Afterwards, he and the groupies sailed to Magadan.

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Matthew 1: Jesus

One day there was this girl named Mary and she was engaged to this man named Joseph. But even though Joseph had never gotten so much as a cuddle, Mary’s tummy started protruding through her smock. She was clearly pregnant. Since Joseph was a decent dude, and he didn’t want her stoned to death for adultery, he decided he’d break up with her all quiet-like. The night before he was going to end things, however, he dreamed of an angel that said it was God that had knocked Mary up, so he needed to go ahead and marry her to make an honest woman of her and to raise God’s kid, who was the savior of the world all those prophets promised. The angel told Joseph to name the kid Jesus, which is cooler version of Joshua, after all the other Joshuas God had favored.

Because Isaiah and the other prophets said that the messiah would be of the lineage of David, it’s important that Joseph, Jesus’s step-dad, was the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandkid of David.

Malachi 3: Just wait til God gets home

Malachi told everyone another message from God:

Listen to this dude, cuz he’s my messenger. One day, y’all are going to get a surprise visit from me, and you ain’t gonna like it. I mean, no one can really live up to my standards, and you think y’all will live through my visit? I’m gonna purify all those shitty priests and their shitty offerings! I’m sick of you guys skimping on the good stuff! Where my tithes at? If you want good harvests, then you better pay up! I make it rain, yo!

Also, quit bitching about if evildoers prosper, then I’m not real. You don’t know my ways, yo! And I’m, like, omniscient and omnipotent and stuff. So just believe that justice will prevail, on some dimensional plane or other!

But wait, there’s more! When I come to town, I’m will destroy sorcerers, of course. But I also hate cheaters and liars, so I will destroy anyone who’s ever cheated on their spouse and any one who ever swore falsely–don’t swear to god unless you mean it, yo! I also hate the fact that rich humans are dicks to poor humans, so I will destroy shitty bosses who treat their workers bad and don’t pay them enough and anyone who mistreats or oppresses poor single women and their children. Also, y’all have been immigrants! People who mistreat  immigrants are the worst, and they will feel my wrath, too.

So everyone was like, well since this Malachi dude says he’s speaking from God and is preparing the way for all this punishment, we better take him seriously! So they wrote all that he said down in a book so they could remember it and promised that they would do their best to please God from then on.

 

Malachi 2: Shitty priests

Malachi went to the priests and was all, God has this message for you:

You guys are shitty priests who don’t really believe in what you’re doing and because you do such a shitty job, I’m going to smear shit all over your faces and make sure your kids have shitty lives. I made the Levites my priests because Levi was such an awesome priest. His little finger would make a better priest than any on of you. You shame your ancestor. Also, it’s really shitty that so many of you divorced your first wives when they got old. I’m down for polygamy, but you gotta take care of the first wife, yo.

The priests were pretty pissy about this guy coming in and criticizing them, but Malachi was all, Look, we’ve all messed up. Our entire country cheated on God and got punished. God’s sick of hearing you complain about there being evil in the world and the rain falling on the just and unjust alike, yadda yadda yadda. Suck it up and do better!

Zechariah 14: This is how the world will end

God says that one of these days, all the nations of the world will unite in battle against Jerusalem. The city will fall on the first attack. It will be plundered and all the women raped and half the people will be sent into exile. But then on the second attack, God will enter the battle and defeat the enemies by causing them to rot. Like their eyes and their tongues will rot like the Nazis who looked in the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones! It will stand on the Mount of Olives and that mountain will split into and everyone will flee in terror! And then, it will always be spring and summer and always twilight! And two rivers will begin flowing from Jerusalem in different directions, like it’s the continental divide! And the only mountain will be the one Jerusalem is on! Everything else will be flat! And all the riches of the world will flow into Jerusalem! It will be the richest place on earth! And God will live there and be king of the world! And anyone who doesn’t worship It will suffer drought and starvation! And bells will all chime hymns! Everything will be great!

 

(So ends Zechariah. There is only one more Old Testament book left!)

Zechariah 12: Next time’ll be different

Zechariah told everyone that God told him that next time some other country tried to fuck with Judah or tried to besiege Jerusalem, things would go down different, yo. Next time, God would make all the enemy horses blind. Next time, God would make sure all the Jews received salvation first. All the other nations would be second. Or third. Or destroyed. And then, all the Jews will be really sad that their ancestors ever cheated on God or did It dirt, and everyone will go into mourning– the king and all his wives, the priests and all their wives, and every tribal leader and all their wives, etc. will seclude themselves with their families and mourn.

Zechariah 5: More dreams

Zechariah had more dreams he thought were important visions. In the first he saw a gigantic scroll flying around and the angel that was his spirit guide told him it was a curse on all thieves and anyone who swore to God but didn’t mean it. In the second, Zechariah saw a woman sitting in a  basket. The angel shoved her down in it and put a lead cover on then some women with stork wings flew down, picked it up and carried it off. The angel looked at a confused Zechariah and said, The broad is Wickedness and the basket is Iniquity. The stork-girls will take her to Babylon to live from now on.

Micah 7: Micah’s lonely

Woe is me! I feel as used up and barren the field after harvest. I feel so alone. Because it seems like only sinners and evildoers are left in the world. I mean, you can’t trust anyone! You can’t trust your neighbor – he’ll screw you over! You can’t trust your wife –she’ll broadcast your secrets all over town! You can trust your kids – they totally defy you and are complete dicks! Don’t gloat yet, haters! Because whenI look like I’m down, that’s when God’s gonna lift me up!

But God will eventually forgive Its chosen children to give us back the promised land. One day, God, all the people will come worship you like they’re supposed to. From Egypt to Assyria, from sea to shining sea, your righteous worshipers will rule! All the rest of the world will be a barren wasteland, and every other nation will be sad and ashamed.

 

(The end. The next few books are really short!)

Micah 4: Mountain

But it’s not all bad, guys, continued Micah. God will raise a mountain! The highest mountain! That mountain will be the center of the world. From far and near people will come to learn God’s rules. There will be peace! There’ll be prosperity! Swords will be beaten to plowshares! Spears to pruning hooks! Exiles will come home! The disabled will be honored! Jerusalem will be the best city in the world! So don’t cry, people! Even if everything sucks right now. It’s your own fault that everyone is wailing like women in labor. I know it seems like the whole world is against you. Right now they are. Judah will lose, her people will be taken to exile in Babylon. But it’s all okay! Because of that mountain. Because God will redeem and forgive you. Eventually.

Hosea 13: Ingrates

They worship calf statues in Israel! They practice human sacrifice! And after all I’ve done for them too! I mean, I freed them from slavery, and fed them as the wandered around the desert for 40 years after I cursed them for worshiping a calf statue the first time. And then I helped them conquer the Promised Land, but did they commit total genocide like I asked them to? And now, a new calf statue to pray to!

But they’ll be sorry. I’ll make them pay. I’ll rip them up like a lion on a gazelle. *They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to pieces, pregnant women ripped open!

 

*This is word for word from Hosea 13:16