Jeremiah 15: Pestilence, famine, and war

God was all, Look, I don’t care if Samuel, or even Moses himself, stood before me and plead for mercy for Judah. I’d tell them to go suck an egg. I’m going to destroy Judah with pestilence, famine, and war.

Jeremiah lamented, Woe is me! I wish I had never been born! Everybody hates me! They curse me and abuse me! When I tell them your message, they’ll probably try to kill me!

God was all, What are you whining about now? Who cares if those jerks hate you? I don’t and that’s what matters. I’ll make sure they don’t kill you.

I Samuel 19: Wherein Saul’s Children Save David

Saul grew so discontented and murderous that he began plotting and scheming against David in front of Jonathan and the servants.

But Jonathan and David had solemnly pinky swore before God to be BFFs and forever wasn’t over yet. So Jonathan warned David that his father was plotting to kill him. David was all, What? Huh? Why? You’re joking right? So Jonathan was all, Ok, fine, I’ll prove it. You know our special spot in the field,  by the cairn of stones? Hide over there tomorrow, and I’ll go walking with my father and get him to talk about you. You’ll hear it from his own mouth.

So David hid by the ezel, and Jonathan and Saul went walking. Of course Saul ranted the entire time about how much he hated David and wished he were dead. But Jonathan kept talking David up, reminding Saul about all the great things he had done for Saul, like killing Goliath and hundreds of other Philistines and playing the lyre and laughing at his jokes until Saul came around and promised not to have David killed. Later Jonathan got the two together for a beer and a hug and the family was happy together again, just like the old days.  Continue reading “I Samuel 19: Wherein Saul’s Children Save David”

I Samuel 16: Samuel Anoints David

Samuel was really sad about Saul for a long time. Then one day God was all, Hey Samuel, why are you still moping over that Saul guy? He’s a loser. Fill up your anointing horn and go anoint my new favorite boy! He’s a son of Jesse of Bethlehem.

Samuel was all, How can I do that? If Saul hears I anointed someone else, he’ll surely have me and your new beloved killed! God was all, What do you take me for, an idiot? We’ll do it in secret and no one will know until later. Take a heifer and go to Bethlehem and just tell Jesse you want to sacrifice and feast with him. I’ll see to the rest. Continue reading “I Samuel 16: Samuel Anoints David”

I Samuel 15: Saul Blows his Second Chance

One day Samuel went to Saul and was all,  So hey, God’s going to give you a second chance. If you do what It says, exactly as It says, It will reinstate your lineage as hereditary kings of Israel. Here’s what it wants you to do. It wants you to punish Amalek for fighting the Hebrews when we invaded the Arabian peninsula hundreds of years ago. So go make war on the Amalekites and make sure to rain utter destruction upon them–kill every man, woman, child and domesticated mammal–all the donkey, sheep, camels, goats, whathaveyou. If you do this, God will forgive you and love you again.

So Saul first sent word to the Kenites to flee Amalek territories if they did not want to be slaughtered in the fray. Then he mustered an army 210,000 strong in Telain and marched on Amalek, defeating them from Havilah to Shur. Saul genocided all the Amalekites, except for their King Agag. However, he allowed his soldiers to sift through the animals, setting aside the fattest as booty.  Continue reading “I Samuel 15: Saul Blows his Second Chance”

I Samuel 12: Samuel’s Speech

This is titled “Samuel’s Farewell Speech” in the bible, but Samuel keeps appearing in later chapters, so maybe it was what he said before he went on vacation? 

At some point, Samuel gave a speech to a crowd gathered to hear him. This is how it went:

Look guys, I am old, and I’ve served you well. I’ve even made my sons priests to minister to you. I’ve anointed and crowned a king for you, even when I thought it was a bad idea. And I’ve never asked for anything in return or taken more than my fair share. Who can say I have cheated him? Defrauded him? Oppressed him? Been bribed by? Whoever feels wronged by me, swear your grievance now, and I will make restitution.

But everyone was all, You’re a good man, Samuel! You’ve never wronged a soul!  Continue reading “I Samuel 12: Samuel’s Speech”

I Samuel 10: Samuel Anoints Saul

When the servant was out of sight, Samuel told Saul to rest a moment so they could chat. Then Samuel took out a flask of holy oil and poured it over Saul’s head and kissed him and told him that God had appointed him to be King of Israel and the savior of the Hebrews. Saul must have looked skeptical, because Samuel told him that if the following things occurred, Saul should take them as signs that Samuel was telling the truth. Samuel was all, this is what will happen after you part from me. Later today you will meet two men at Rachel’s tomb in Zelzah, and they will tell you to hurry home because your father is worried. Next you will meet three men traveling to Bethel near the the Oak of Tabor. One will be carrying three kids, the other a sack of bread and the third a skin of wine. They will greet you and give you two loaves of bread. Then, when you get to Gibeath-elohim where the Philistines are garrisoned, you will meet a bunch of people playing music and prophesying, and you will be inspired to join them. If these things happen, you will know that I am telling the truth and that God has chosen you to be king. When you go to Gilgal, wait seven days for me and I will join you.  Continue reading “I Samuel 10: Samuel Anoints Saul”

I Samuel 9: Samuel Meets Saul

Once upon a time there was a wealthy man of Benjamin named Kish. Kish had a son named Saul who was very handsome and tall–like a good foot taller than everyone else, really.

Anyway, one day Kish’s donkeys went astray, so he sent Saul and a servant to go look for them. For some reason these two keep traveling for several days, I don’t know, maybe the needed a vacation? Like all the way through Ephraim and Shalisah and Shalim. Around that time Saul was all, we’d better head back before Father starts to worry about me more than the donkeys! Plus we’re out of food and I didn’t think to bring any shekels with me.

But the servant was all, I heard that there’s this amazing prophet around here. Let’s head on into Zuph and ask him where the donkeys are. Saul was all, that would be a great idea if I had any money to pay him. The servant was all, don’t worry! I got us covered! I brought a quarter shekel with me for just such a circumstance!  Continue reading “I Samuel 9: Samuel Meets Saul”

I Samuel 8

Samuel set his sons up to follow him, but Joel and Abijah were not godly men, but greedy ones. So the elders gathered at Ramah and demanded that Samuel appoint a king. Samuel didn’t want to appoint a king, but God told him to go ahead because the worthless Hebrews had already rejected It, God, has king anyway, so they deserved the misery and punishment of an earthly one.

Samuel still tried to warn the people that a king would tax them and conscript their sons and enslave their daughters and take all their stuff and just generally make them unhappy. But the elders still insisted that none of that mattered, cuz they wanted a king.

So Samuel was all, fine, go home, and I’ll find you a king.

I Samuel 7

The men of Kiriath-jearim took the Ark to Abinadab’s house and put his son Eleazar in charge of it. For the next twenty years were unhappy ones for Israel.

Samuel told everyone that the problem was that they had forsaken God for Baal and Ashtaroth and other gods and that if they got rid of them and went back to God, It would bless them again.

Samuel called for a gathering of atonement at Mizpah. But the Philistines had heard of the gathering and came to ambush it. Samuel told them not to panic and then burnt a nursing lamb whole on the altar. So God sent lightning and thunder to confuse the Philistines, and the Hebrews defeated them.  Continue reading “I Samuel 7”

I Samuel 3: The Calling of Samuel

One night, when Samuel was an older boy (probably around 12 or so), he was sleeping in the Sanctum Sanctorum when he heard a voice calling his name. He assumed it was Eli calling, since Eli was old, blind and in bed. So he went into Eli’s room, but Eli was all, I didn’t call you. Go back to bed.

So Samuel went back to bed, but no sooner had his eyes closed then the voice called his name again. Again he went to Eli and received the same answer. So he laid back down, and the voice called a third time. This time when he went to Eli, Eli decided it must be God calling, so he told Samuel that if he heard the voice again to answer, Speak Lord, for your servant hears. Continue reading “I Samuel 3: The Calling of Samuel”