Daniel 5: The writing on the wall

Years after Nebuchadnezzar had died, and Babylon had gone through several kings in quick succession, the last king of Babylon, King Belshazzar, was having a party. He thought that the party was lacking something, though, something special. But then he hit on the idea of having cool dishes, so he ordered that the Temple vessels be cleaned up and used to serve his guests.

The party was hoppin’. The music was rockin’. The concubines were laughing and tugging on the beards of officials. The queen was looking tipsy.  But everything screeched to a halt when a giant disembodied hand manifested and wrote MENE, MENE, TEKEL, PARIAN. No one knew what it meant. The mood was killed. Unimportant guests quietly slinked out. The concubines buzzed back to the harem.  Continue reading “Daniel 5: The writing on the wall”

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Song of Songs 6: The friends finally meet Solomon

They made up of course.

On another day, Sandy’s friends came over and were all, So where’s this boy of yours? We want to meet him.

Sandy answered, He went home. But he’ll be back to browse my lilies soon.

Later, when Solomon came to hook up with Sandy, he again raved about how hot she was and about how great it was that she still had all her teeth. He told her, I may have 60 wives and 80 concubines, and I don’t know how many virgins waiting for me to deflower them, but you the one that I want, Sandy.

That evening, Sandy’s friends came back and when they met Solomon, they were all, Like you are pretty swell! What’s your name?

Solomon was all, uh……………I gotta go.

But the friends were all, Oh no you don’t! You’re the king, aren’t you.

Solomon was all, Yeah? And what of it?

I Kings 1: More Family Drama

When David was really really old, he became sickly and frail. He was cold all the time, so his people decided that what he needed was a beautiful young virgin to tend to him and to sleep naked with him to warm him up. Her name was Abishag.

Adonijah, son of Haggith, decided that since David was so close to dying and he was now the oldest since Absalom was dead, he should start acting like the heir apparent. So he got himself a retinue and followers. Joab and Abithar the priest decided to back his play. However, Zadok and the other mighty men didn’t want any part of it.

One day Adonijah decided to go down to the Serpant’s Stone to make a huge sacrifice and throw a big party in anticipation of his reign, but he didn’t invite Solomon or Nathan or any of the mighty men. Continue reading “I Kings 1: More Family Drama”

II Samuel 16: Family Strife Continues

On David’s decent of the Mount of Olives, he was met by Ziba, Mephibosheth’s servant, who had a bunch of food and some donkeys for David. David was all, Thanks! Is this from Mesphisbosheth? Where’s he at?  Ziba was all, Um, actually this is from me. Mephibosheth is back in Jerusalem, waiting for the people to return the throne to him. David was all, What? After all I’ve done for him? Well, fuck him. All his property is now yours.

Later, as David approached the town of Bahurim where he planned on camping, a dude named Shimei, who was from Saul’s clan, began trailing the the troop from a nearby hill. He started throwing rocks at David and calling him a worthless whoreson murderer and other obscenities. Abishai was all, Sire, you want that I should go cut off that loser’s head? But David was all, What’s with you bloodthirsty brothers? No! If he curses me, God wills it. I mean, my own son is trying to kill me. Let him curse. Maybe God will turn his curses to blessings. Continue reading “II Samuel 16: Family Strife Continues”

II Samuel 3: Abner defects to David

As king, David’s family grew. He got two more wives: Maacah, princess of Gehsur, and Elgah, as well as some concubines, Haggith and Abital. (Seems like a violation of Samuel’s rules for kingship, but I guess when God really loves you, that doesn’t matter). All these women starting having sons: Ammon (Ahinoam’s), Chileab (Abigail’s), Absalom (Maacah’s), Adonijab (Haggith’s), Shephatich (Abital’s), and Ithream (Eglah’s).

Meanwhile, the war between David and Ish-bosheth continued. David’s forces were winning and tensions were high in Gibeah. Things reached a head when Ish-bosheth accused Abner of fucking Rizpah (his father’s concubine). This pissed Abner off and he was all, Screw you. I’ll just go to David.  Continue reading “II Samuel 3: Abner defects to David”

Judges 19: A Most Vicious Gang Rape

On another occasion a Levite, who lived in Ephraim, had a major falling out with his concubine. In a huff, she decided to return to her father’s house in Bethlehem, which was in Judah. After about four months, the Levite decided it was time to make up with her, so he traveled to Bethlehem to fetch her.

When he got there, her father was delighted to see him, and kept feasting him, and urging him to stay another night. After about a week, however, the Levite grew tired and insisted it was time for them to be returning to Ephraim. Continue reading “Judges 19: A Most Vicious Gang Rape”

Genesis 21

Finally, Sarah got pregnant. God and Abraham were soooo happy, but Sarah was all, everyone’s going to make fun of me for being old and pregnant. Her predication came true, because a few years later, she caught Hagar making fun of her at during Isaac’s birthday party. This was the final straw for Sarah, and she told Abraham that he needed to get Hagar out of the camp before she literally killed her. Abraham was at a loss, because he knew Sarah was crazy enough to do it, but that was his son,  he couldn’t just abandon him, and Hagar wasn’t really that bad. However, God came and told him to go ahead and cast Hagar out, because everything would be ok. Continue reading “Genesis 21”

Genesis 16

After all these promises from God, Sarah started feeling really bad about being barren, so she told Abraham that he could fuck her slave woman Hagar, and she, Sarah, would claim any resulting children as her own. However, when Hagar did get pregnant, Sarah just hated her for it and accused her of being proud and insolent. She started beating Hagar and accusing Abraham of liking Hagar better.

It got so bad that Hagar finally ran away, but then an angel came to her and told her to stiffen that upper lip, go back and submit to all the abuse Sarah could dish out, because if she did, then God would bless Ishmael. So Hagar stupidly returns to an abusive situation, and maybe Ishmael was blessed, but his descendants mostly show up in this story as adversaries to God’s favorites, the Hebrews  who descended from Isaac.