Matthew 18: Be nice to children

The groupies came to Jesus and were all, So which one of us is the greatest. Jesus just shook his head and grabbed the nearest kid to hug. Smiling, Jesus looked at them for a long time and then said, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Jesus continued, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray?  And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.”

Jesus went on, Also, it’s better that you cut off your own hand than sin with it or to stab yourself in the eyes if looking at hotties makes you sin in your heart. It’s also really bad if you tempt others to sin. And you need to be forgiving, especially among family, friends, and community members. If someone does you dirt, then go talk to them privately about it. If that don’t work, take along a few friends and confront them with witness. Only if that don’t work, should you air your laundry publicly, and only if that don’t work should you break up with your friend and treat them like a bill collector.

Rocky was all, But what if dude hurts you again? Should you give him a second chance? A third chance? Like how many chances should you give someone?

Jesus sighed and answered, A gazillion. It’s like this. Say there was a servant who owed his master a lot of money–like millions of dollars–and his boss was all, You need to pay up, son, or I’m going to sell you and your family into slavery to recoup my losses. But the servant begged his boss to give him an extension on the loan–that he’d be good for it one day. So the boss said fine, he’d just garnish his wages and keep him on. But then the servant, who was pissy and knew he needed to make some fast cash to pay on the interest, ran into a dude who owed him a hundred bucks. The servant demanded the money and when dude couldn’t pay, he had him thrown in jail. When the boss heard about this, he was all, Fuck that, son. You gonna be a dick. Well, I’m a bigger one. And the servant found himself in jail with his friend.

Rocky looked confused, so Jesus was all, It’s a metaphor. The boss is God and the two debtors humans. Treat humans like you want God to treat you.

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