Again, because there wasn’t any television or movies or even radio, street preachers were everyone’s favorite cheap entertainment. Jesus was always a popular draw when he came to town. This one time, the crowd was so large that Jesus was worried the people in the back wouldn’t be able to hear him, since microphones hadn’t been invented either. So he climbed up a mountain and found a nice cliff to stand on so that everyone could see him and his voice would echo out. Then he began laying down some controversial opinions, the Be-Attitudes:
- Depressed, low-spirited folk deserve love too, from Da–er–God, if not from humans.
- Humble people might get railroaded, but they’ll eventually get theirs.
- People who fight for justice will eventually see it served; however, it’s best to be merciful if you also want to be forgiven when you fuck up.
- Be pure and good and love peace because the world is what you make it.
- God will bless and reward anyone who gets persecuted or punished for following me or for spreading my opinions. I promise! And this is why. You are the salt of the world and salty snacks are good! And you are cities on hills that everyone can see!
- Anger is just as bad as murder and God will never listen to you or accept your offerings if you holding any grudges when you pray.
- Getting revenge is also bad. Just forgive and move on. Plus, bullies hate it when you don’t get mad or react or anything, especially if you act all righteous when you forgive them.
- And it’s not enough to only love your family and friends. Love everyone! Even people who do you dirt. Cuz if Da–er–God made everything, then even shitty people were made by It. Who are you to question It’s plan? It’s perfect!
- Lusting after someone is just as bad as cheating on your wife. It’s better to be castrated than to lust, just like it’s better to lose your hand than to steal.
- And don’t think that divorce is the answer here. I don’t believe in divorce, so remarriage is still cheating.
I know it might seem like I’m making up new laws. I’m not. I’m just reinterpreting the old laws. In fact, I’m a fulfillment of all the laws and prophecies! So, like, follow me!
Moab will burn for crushing Edom.
Judah will burn for cheating on God.
Israel will burn because they sell off God’s dishes, get drunk on the sacrificial wine, treat poor people like shit, and turn a blind eye when fathers and sons both have sex with the same girl.
God will destroy all these nations like It did the Amorites. God brought you out of slavery and Egypt and rose you up high and It will cast you down!
God really like to talk about Jerusalem and Samaria as though they were women. It said, Human, there were two sisters, Samaria and Jerusalem, and they had their sexual awakening in Egypt. There they frequently let the Egyptians get to third base–sometimes further. In fact, I heard Samaria liked pearl necklaces. They were incredibly slutty. But I married them anyway, thinking my love would be enough. It wasn’t. Samaria immediately started lusting after the Assyrians because they were so hot and looked good in their blue uniforms. So I delivered her over to a band of them and to let them strip her, rape, her murder her, and enslave her children. Continue reading “Ezekiel 23: More misogyny”
God told me to judge Jerusalem and to list all the reasons why It was angry and had decided to destroy the city. So I announced to everyone, Jerusalem has been condemned to doom and destruction for these reasons:
- The people worship idols, practice polytheism, and all around cheat on God.
- The rules are violent and corrupt and the religious leaders find excuses for all of their misdeeds.
- Many people openly despise their parents.
- People generally treat foreigners badly and they don’t take care of poor women and children and other needy people.
- They break the Sabbath and bastardize the rituals God prefers.
- People lie and slander in order to incite violence.
- Did I mention they cheat on God? It especially dislikes the fertility rituals people commonly perform.
- Sons sleep with their fathers’ wives and girlfriends.
- Men sleep with women on their periods and that really grosses God out.
- Men also sleep with their friends’ wives–some even rape their daughters-in-laws and sisters.
- There are hitmen and goons who commit violence for money.
- People there loan money at interest and generally make profits from their neighbors’ work.
For these reasons God has decided to destroy Jerusalem and kill or scatter its people.
God said, I heard another one of you humans’ stupid proverbs the other day: “Parents eat sour grapes, and their children grimace.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? The children pay for their parents’ stupidity? Where did you guys get that dumb idea? That’s just stupid. Everybody is held accountable for their own actions. If a man is good and follows my laws–if he loves only me, pays his debts, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t sleep with his friends wives, doesn’t sleep with his own when she’s on her period (ew!)–then he’s gravy! It doesn’t matter if his son is a total shithead who steals, cheats, lies, murders, rapes, or even has period sex! The son pays for his sin, the father is rewarded. And say the son has a son, and that guy is like, I don’t want to be like my father and instead acts like his grandpa, then he’s good too! It doesn’t matter that I punished his father for being sinful! Am I a monster? God asked, spreading Its mighty chrome arms.
I ventured to ask about if people sin some and do good some, but God interrupted: What?! What do you mean that most humans aren’t all bad or all good? Look, I’ll forgive a human who does sin and then asks for forgiveness, but only if he stops sinning. If a human does a lot of good and then sins, none of that good matters. Only the last thing he did counts. I don’t care if humans think that’s fair or not.
Another time God said to me, Human, let me explain my disgust and anger at Jerusalem in terms you might be able to understand, in human terms. Imagine Jerusalem is a woman, my wife even. Now, imagine that the first time I met her she was just a newborn–like just born, because I found her in a dumpster with her umbilical cord still attached because her unwed mother was ashamed of her half-breed bastard and threw her away. But I felt sorry for the mewling thing and took her out of the trash and cleaned her up and found her a loving foster home.
Later, when she was a pubertal teenager, I saw her budding breasts and the curling hair sprouting on her vulva, and I thought, that’s a flower I’d like to pluck, but I waited a few years, until she was ready for love. And when I fucked her did I just leave her? No! I helped her wipe the blood off and even massaged fragrant oil into the sore places. Then I married her! I gave her beautiful clothes and expensive jewelry. I fed her lobster and champagne whenever she wanted. She was a queen! And when Jerusalem lorded it over my exes, Sodom and Samaria, I said nothing. Continue reading “Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning”
Don’t mourn when the faithful die. They will go to heaven. But fear for the children of witches and whores and adulterers! To those who have turned to Molek! They will burn! You non-believers are lustful sinners, fornicating in the forest and sacrificing your children to your false gods, the stones and streams! You have idols and false iconography decorating your houses! You love the one you’re with rather than God! God wants to know why you cheat on It?
But those who repent and come back to God will be forgiven!
Like always. And even gave them prophetic names. Like this one kid of his was named Mahar-Shalal-Hash-Baz, which was Hebrew for “Quick to Plunder, swift to the spoil,” which also a saying that Isaiah had on one of the signs he carried around on his street corner. Bye the by, Quickie was the result of liaison Isaiah had with some prophetess chick.
In those days, Isaiah was all about prophesying that Assyria was going to come conquer the land as punishment for everyone cheating on God.
Isaiah also really hated that people tended to go to fortune tellers and necromancers (people who talked to the dead like Johnathan Edwards) to find out their futures rather than him. They’re all phonies, he’d bark.
Solomon really loved to blaze Sandy’s beauties. He really couldn’t get enough of it. One night, he started at her feet, kissing each toe and was all, you have the finest little feet, and those legs go on for days. I just want to lap wine from your belly button. And your boobs! So bouncy and yet so perky! I could nipple your neck for the rest of my life. Your teeth are so straight and perfect and all there! You have to teach the rest of the harem your dental care routine. I drown in your eyes. I love the smell of your hair and the way my fingers get tangled in it.
Then he kissed her and nuzzled her breasts and asked to taste her fruits.
Sandy answered, Yes, oh yes! All my fruit is yours! Let’s walk in the vineyard and make love beneath the blossoming vines!
They made up of course.
On another day, Sandy’s friends came over and were all, So where’s this boy of yours? We want to meet him.
Sandy answered, He went home. But he’ll be back to browse my lilies soon.
Later, when Solomon came to hook up with Sandy, he again raved about how hot she was and about how great it was that she still had all her teeth. He told her, I may have 60 wives and 80 concubines, and I don’t know how many virgins waiting for me to deflower them, but you the one that I want, Sandy.
That evening, Sandy’s friends came back and when they met Solomon, they were all, Like you are pretty swell! What’s your name?
Solomon was all, uh……………I gotta go.
But the friends were all, Oh no you don’t! You’re the king, aren’t you.
Solomon was all, Yeah? And what of it?