Isaiah 57

Don’t mourn when the faithful die. They will go to heaven. But fear for the children of witches and whores and adulterers! To those who have turned to Molek! They will burn! You non-believers are lustful sinners, fornicating in the forest and sacrificing your children to your false gods, the stones and streams! You have idols and false iconography decorating your houses! You love the one you’re with rather than God! God wants to know why you cheat on It?

But those who repent and come back to God will be forgiven!

Isaiah 8: Isaiah’s one of those street preachers who always makes his kids participate

Like always. And even gave them prophetic names. Like this one kid of his was named Mahar-Shalal-Hash-Baz, which was Hebrew for “Quick to Plunder, swift to the spoil,” which also a saying that Isaiah had on one of the signs he carried around on his street corner. Bye the by, Quickie was the result of liaison Isaiah had with some prophetess chick.

In those days, Isaiah was all about prophesying that Assyria was going to come conquer the land as punishment for everyone cheating on God.

Isaiah also really hated that people tended to go to fortune tellers and necromancers (people who talked to the dead like Johnathan Edwards) to find out their futures rather than him. They’re all phonies, he’d bark.

Song of Songs 7: another cheesy sex scene

Solomon really loved to blaze Sandy’s beauties. He really couldn’t get enough of it. One night, he started at her feet, kissing each toe and was all, you have the finest little feet, and those legs go on for days. I just want to lap wine from your belly button. And your boobs! So bouncy and yet so perky! I could nipple your neck for the rest of my life. Your teeth are so straight and perfect and all there! You have to teach the rest of the harem your dental care routine. I drown in your eyes. I love the smell of your hair and the way my fingers get tangled in it.

Then he kissed her and nuzzled her breasts and asked to taste her fruits.

Sandy answered, Yes, oh yes! All my fruit is yours! Let’s walk in the vineyard and make love beneath the blossoming vines!

Song of Songs 6: The friends finally meet Solomon

They made up of course.

On another day, Sandy’s friends came over and were all, So where’s this boy of yours? We want to meet him.

Sandy answered, He went home. But he’ll be back to browse my lilies soon.

Later, when Solomon came to hook up with Sandy, he again raved about how hot she was and about how great it was that she still had all her teeth. He told her, I may have 60 wives and 80 concubines, and I don’t know how many virgins waiting for me to deflower them, but you the one that I want, Sandy.

That evening, Sandy’s friends came back and when they met Solomon, they were all, Like you are pretty swell! What’s your name?

Solomon was all, uh……………I gotta go.

But the friends were all, Oh no you don’t! You’re the king, aren’t you.

Solomon was all, Yeah? And what of it?

Song of Songs 5: Love ’em and leave ’em

Solomon moaned, I’m coming in your garden! I’m eating your honeycomb!

People nearby were all, Have at her, Solomon!

But then the next day, Sandy woke up alone. She sobbed to her friends, I opened my garden for Solomon…let him walk there and plant his seed…but he left again! And this time when I went looking for him and asked the cops if they had seen him, they laughed at me and hit me and called me a whore! Even if I am a whore, I’m at least the king’s whore! And I need him soooo bad. If any of you see him, will you tell him that? That I need him. I want him. I can’t live without him!

Her friends were all, Why? What makes him so special?

Sandy answered, He is sooo fine. So fine. He has this curly blond hair and I just drown in his eyes. His lips are strong and sweet. And God is he ripped. Wash my clothes on those abs. And well, she giggled, he is hung like those fabled cedar trees of Lebanon.

Song of Songs 4: Solomon’s lines

Solomon said to Sandy, You are so fine, girl! Your eyes are so large and your hair is so long and curly. I love how white and even your teeth are, and you have all of them! Your lips are red velvet. I could nuzzle your neck for days. And your titties! So perky and luscious. Mmm girl, I will climb your mountain all night. So come with me, babe. Let’s climb the mountain and plumb the depths of your well. Let me walk in your garden and taste your honeyed fruits.

Sandy moaned, Oh yes! Walk in my garden!

Song of Songs 2: He’s so fine

Sandy continued, he called me the most beautiful among all women. I am sooo happy. My crush is like an apple tree in a dark forest–His love is like raisins and wine. I’m only complete when he’s holding me. Friends, it is so good to be loved. Look! There he comes. Look at his that chest and those legs. So muscular. Coming love! I am yours until the mountains crash into the sea.

Solomon whispered to her, Show me your face and let me hear your voice. And let me run in your vineyard, my sweet.

Song of Songs 1: Tell me more, tell me more

This girl, let’s call her Sandy, was chatting with her BFFs and decided to dish on this hot guy she was crushing on. They were all, Tell me more, tell me more. Like, does he have a horse?

So she answered, his kisses are so sweet, so passionate, so hot–and he’s so fine that all the girls want him. I can’t believe he likes me! I mean, my skin’s so brown from working outside all the time. My brothers are always telling me just how ugly I am, but my guy doesn’t care at all.

Her friends were all, Come off it, Sandy. You know you’re beautiful. Your brothers are just jerks.

Sandy was all, well, he said that I was as pretty as a full-blooded mare fit for a king! And he promised to give me jewelry to set off my beauty–after we were laying on the green grass after making love. His head was laying on my breasts and he admired my eyes and my full set of teeth.

Ecclesiastes 2: Sex parties suck

So, Solomon continued, since wisdom blew, I decided to drown my sorrows in pleasure. Since I have all the money that anyone could ask for, I had made slaves buy the best food and cook the most delicious meals. I drank the best wines. I hired the best comedians, actors and singers. I stocked my harem full of the most delectable concubines and I kept plenty of hot slaves of both sexes who I would order to fuck in front of me when I just wanted to watch.  I mean, I had every pleasure money could buy. But did any of it make me happy?

I was still bored and depressed. Hedonism is just meaningless. I was still going to die. And so were all my hot slaves. They would just grow old and gross and die, probably riddled with STDs since condoms and antibiotics haven’t been invented yet. So I went back to being studious and wise. But that still sucked. I mean, it was better than dissipation, but it was still meaningless.

I mean, I’m so freaking depressed. Why am I alive? Why is anyone? Why do we all struggle and toil every. single. day? Pleasure is meaningless. Work is meaningless. Wealth and wisdom are meaningless. Ugh.