In the third year of Belshazzar’s reign, Daniel dreamed he was standing beside the Ulai Canal in Susa where he saw a mighty ram with mighty horns that rammed everyone and everything that came in its path. But then a one-horned goat appeared and charged the ram and broke its horns. Then the goat ruled the canal. Only its horn broke and four grew in its place. One of these new horns grew all the way to heaven and demanded that everyone worship it. Then a voice said in 2300 days, the Temple will be rebuilt! Then the voice said, Gabriel, explain to Daniel what all this means. So an angel appeared and told Daniel that the ram represented the Persian empire and the goat represented the Greek kingdoms, which would dominate the world until they too were toppled.
Then Daniel awoke, but he was so disturbed he stayed in bed for like a week.
In the first year of Belshazzar’s reign, Daniel had a dream. In the dream were four beasts that emerged from the sea. The first beast was a winged lion, but then the wings were torn off and it stood on its hind legs and spoke and thought like a human. The second beast was a bear. This one also stood on two legs, only it was a back and a front paw. It had bones in its mouth and ate voraciously. The third beast was a winged leopard with four heads and it was the king. The fourth beast…the fourth beast was a monster with ten horns, and iron teeth, and great crushing feet. Then a tiny horn grew in place of three of the horns. This tiny horn had eyes and a mouth and it looked at Daniel and said, The Ancient of Days, in his white robes with his white woolly hair, sits on his throne with his court of thousands.
Then all the beasts died and burned up. Then an angel came and went before the Ancient of Days and became the ruler of the world.
In the dream, Daniel was freaking out, so he asked one of the court to tell him what the hell was going on. That guy was all, The four beasts are four kings that will rule and then fall and then the followers of God will finally get a forever ruler.
Nebuchadnezzar had another bad dream. He dreamed of an enormous tree, full of fruit and sheltering many animals–like the Tree of Souls. But then an angel appeared and ordered, Cut down the tree and bronze the stump! Then the angel looked through Nebuchadnezzar and intoned, Let him swap minds with an animal and live like one for seven years!
No one could interpret the dream but Daniel. But Daniel didn’t want to upset the king. Nebuchadnezzar was all, It’s alright. Just give me the news.
Daniel answered, Um, well. I really wish this dream was about someone else, like the king’s enemies. But here goes. God is mad at you and has decided that you are going to become a crazy homeless man for seven years. But there’s hope! The roots left in the ground means you will be restored. Continue reading “Daniel 4: More bad dreams”
Some time later, Nebuchadnezzar had a bad dream. So he called all of his enchanters, magicians, astrologers, and other psychics to tell him what it meant. They were all, Tell us the dream, o king, and we will interpret it for you.
But Nebuchadnezzar was all, No. You tell me the dream and tell me what it means.
The wise men were all, Surely the king is joking. Tell us the dream, sire, and we will tell its meaning.
Nebuchadnezzar was all, You guys are a bunch of fakes! If you’re really psychic, then you could tell me the dream and its meaning.
The wise men were all, With all due respect, no one can do what you’re asking.
This really pissed Nebuchadnezzar off, so he decreed that all magicians, wizards, astrologers, enchanters or interpreters of dreams should be executed immediately. Continue reading “Daniel 2: Dream reader”
See, Jeremiah knew that everything was hopeless, because way back nine years earlier, at the beginning of Zedekiah’s reign, during one of the previous wars with Babylon–the one where Nebuchadnezzar took King Jehoiachin hostage, Jeremiah had had a dream.
In that dream, there were two baskets of figs offered as sacrifices to God. One basket was full of ripe, succulent fruits. The other, with rotten ones. As Jeremiah contemplated the figs, God told him that most of the people of Judah were like those bad fruit, bound to die and rot.But those few who would be purified by exile would be like the good figs, and God would gather them and return them to the Promised Land.
One night God came to Solomon in a dream and was all, I’ll give you one wish, whatever you want. So Solomon wished for wisdom. Then God was so excited about Solomon’s wish that It promised him riches and honor too.
The best example of Solomon’s wisdom is the time he judged between two arguing prostitutes.
See these two tricks lived together because times was hard and hooking ain’t easy and both had babies whose daddies done split. One night Krystal’s baby up and died from SIDS or something so she sneaked over to Chastity’s side of the hovel and traded the dead baby for the live one.
In the morning Chastity started screaming when she found the dead baby. Then she was all, wait a minute. This ain’t my kid. Where my baby at? Krystal you skank ass ho you took my baby didn’t you? This dead thing’s your! Give me back my baby! Continue reading “I Kings 3: Solomon’s Wisdom”
As the armies were gathering to fight, Gideon Baal-Fighter went walking along Harod Spring. There God talked to him and was all, look man, you’ve got too many fighters. I know I told you to rally the troops, Gideon, but c’mon! How will anybody attribute your victory to a miracle by me with these thousands of troops? You got to get rid of ’em.
So Gideon went back and harangued the troops and told anyone afraid to go on home. So about 20,000 men left and went back home.
But God was all, 10,000 are still too many, Gideon. I know. Bring everyone down here to the creek and watch them drink. The ones that drink by lapping like a dog are the ones to take with you. Send the ones that kneel and drink with their hands home. Continue reading “Judges 7: Gideon and his Band”
Two years later, when Joseph was around 30, Pharaoh started having recurring nightmares. In one, there were seven fat cows, but then seven skinny cows showed up and ate the fat ones. In the other, seven ears of ripe grain were devoured by seven ears of blighted grain. These dreams disturbed him so much that he called all the court magicians–you know, his priest, his doctor, his psychiatrist–to ask them what it all meant, but alas, none could give a satisfying answer.
So as Pharaoh sat drowning his sorrows in wine and complaining about how crappy his magicians were, his cupbearer suddenly remembered Joseph, and told Pharaoh all about the Hebrew prisoner who interpreted dreams so well. Pharaoh demanded that someone track down this Joseph in the dungeon, then to bathe and delouse him and bring him before Pharaoh. Continue reading “Genesis 41: Joseph Interprets Pharaoh’s Dreams”
Some time later, Pharaoh’s cupbearer and baker angered Pharaoh and he clapped them in jail. One night, they both had troubling dreams, and Joseph offered to interpret them.
The cupbearer dreamed about a vine with three branches that budded, blossomed and fruited, and he squeezed the grapes into Pharaoh’s cup. Joseph told him that it meant that in three days, Pharaoh would forgive and restore him to his post. Joseph asked the cupbearer to remember him on the outside. Continue reading “Genesis 40: Joseph Interprets the Prisoners’ Dreams”
Jacob decided to stay in Canaan and take over his father’s lands.
Rachel’s son Joseph was Jacob’s favorite, so he gave him a special multi-colored coat that made his brothers jelly. To make matters worse, Joseph was a tattle tell who always ratted his brothers out. He was also a know-it-all who had prophetic dreams, which he liked to tell and interpret to his brothers. For instance, he told him about his dream in which each of them were sheaves of grain that bowed to his sheaf of grain, and that that meant that they would all bow to him one day. Another time, he told his family that he dreamed that the sun, moon, and 11 stars all bowed to him, but this time Jacob got upset that Joseph insinuated that he and Rachel would have to bow to him too. Continue reading “Genesis 37: The Selling of Joseph”