Ezekiel 30

In the eleventh year, God told me that Pharaoh had broken his arm, and that it would never heal correctly, and that the bad break signified the breaking of Egypt and the destruction of its cities by Babylon.

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Ezekiel 27: Tyrian trade

God was particular about me laying out all the wonderful trade Tyre stood to lose when it was destroyed.  Tyre had a magnificent merchant fleet, made of Senirese juniper, Lebanese cedar, Bashanian oak, Cyprian cypress and Egyptian cotton, that traded all over the Mediterranean. It traded silver, iron, and lead from Tarshish; slaves and bronze from Greece, Tubal, and Meshek; horses and mules from Beth Togarnah; ivory and ebony from Rhodes; tortoise, coral, rubies, and textiles from Aram; wheat, olive oil, honey, and balm from Judah and Israel; wine and wool from Damascus; saddle blankets from Dedan; sheep and goats from Arabia and Kedar; spices, golds, and gems from Sheba and Raamah; and textiles from Harran, Kannah, Ashur, and Kilmad.

But all this wonderful trade will come to an end when God has Babylon destroy Tyre.

Ezekiel 21: Clap and cut

Another time God told me to prophecy against Jerusalem, It said, Go about groaning and moaning loudly and when people ask you what’s wrong tell them that you’re completely horrified at Jerusalem’s fate. At my command, Babylon will destroy the city! Also, be sure to clap while you say all this. And then slash your leg with your sword three times, to represent the three times I have decided to send Babylon against Jerusalem! Yes, seriously! Then people will be so afraid of me they’ll piss themselves!

So did as God commanded, and lo, when I cut my leg, I was barely injured. Tis a miracle!

Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh

God inspired me to write this lamentation about the gradual destruction of the Judean royal family:

In the Negeb, the mighty Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

In the Negeb, the blessed Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh Continue reading “Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh”

Ezekiel 17: An eagle and a cedar, or maybe a vine

God came to me and said, Human, I want you to tell everyone this story, so listen closely so you’ll remember it!

One day this beautiful eagle with rainbow feathers flew to Lebanon and broke off the top of a cedar tree. Then he flew to a prosperous city of merchants and planted that branch in the flood plain, where it grew into a beautiful flourishing grape vine! The eagle was pleased. But then another, bigger, more beautiful eagle came and landed next to the vine, and the fine started growing toward him and giving him all its fruit! So will this vine, torn between the love of two eagles, thrive? Or will it die?

You look confused, human.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 17: An eagle and a cedar, or maybe a vine”

Ezekiel 12: The wall

Another time, God spoke to me, Human, none of your fellow humans listen, so I want you to do this. Pack a bag like you are going into exile again and set it outside your door in the morning so everyone will see it.  Then, in the evening, dig a hole through the city wall and leave through it.

So I packed my bag and set it outside, and soon, people started asking if I was going on a trip or moving, but I just shrugged. But when I started digging a hole through the city wall, people really came to stare. They were all, What are you doing? Are you crazy? Is he crazy? Should we call the guards? Why didn’t he just leave through that gate there earlier? I mean, his bag’s been packed all dally. Must be crazy, right? Continue reading “Ezekiel 12: The wall”

Jeremiah 52: Recap

To review, Zedekiah became king when he was 21 years old and ruled for 11 years. He decided to rebel against Nebuchadnezzar in the ninth year of his reign. Nebuchadnezzar besieged Jerusalem for the next two years. By the end, people were starving. when the walls were finally breached, Zedekiah and his army tried to feel, but they were captured near Jericho.

Nebuchadnezzar made Zedekiah watch as all his sons and officials were put to death, then he ordered his eyes put out and to be chained in with the other prisoners to be force marched to Babylon. There Zedekiah rotted in prison for his remaining years. Continue reading “Jeremiah 52: Recap”

Jeremiah 51

Jeremiah sent word of Babylon’s impending destruction to the Jews in exile there. He told them that Babylon would be invaded and all its people murdered in retaliation it did to the Jews and Israel and Judah–even though God ordained that harm to punish them for their own misdeeds. But logic aside, when the fighting started, Jews were advised to flee!

Jeremiah 50: Babylon too

And lo, after Babylon finishes destroying all the other nations that God is mad at, it too will be destroyed! For lo, God is mad at it, for the violence it has perpetrated at God’s will and because it worships other gods like Marduk and Bel! The destruction of Babylon will make that of Sodom and Gomorrah look like a cake walk! And in that time, God will forgive the Jews and give them back the Promised Land.

Jeremiah 42: Egypt sounds nice

So Johanan asked Jeremiah to ask God what It thought about everyone going to Egypt. Jeremiah was all, But what if you don’t like the answer? But everyone was all, You’ve always been right! We’ll listen to you this time!

Then Jeremiah went and communed with God, and at the end of ten days, he called everyone to him and was all, God wants you to stay right here. If you stay here, you will prosper and life will be good because the king of Babylon will treat you well. But if you go into Egypt, you will all suffer and die.