Zechariah 5: More dreams

Zechariah had more dreams he thought were important visions. In the first he saw a gigantic scroll flying around and the angel that was his spirit guide told him it was a curse on all thieves and anyone who swore to God but didn’t mean it. In the second, Zechariah saw a woman sitting in a  basket. The angel shoved her down in it and put a lead cover on then some women with stork wings flew down, picked it up and carried it off. The angel looked at a confused Zechariah and said, The broad is Wickedness and the basket is Iniquity. The stork-girls will take her to Babylon to live from now on.


Habakkuk 2: God answers

Habakkuk continued, I’ll wait for my answer over here.

God was all, You better write this down, bro, because what I’m about to drop this so important. First, true believers live by faith alone. They don’t need no evidence! Second, wine and/or wealth totally leads to greed, sin, and Sheol. Furthermore, in this message is for the Babylonians, even though I’m sending you to punish Judah, woe to you! Woe to you because you’ve plundered nations! Woe to you because you colonized other lands! Woe to you for building new towns on top of ones you had destroyed and murdered the inhabitants! Woe to people who get their neighbors drunk in order to date rape them! Woe to those who worship idols, especially when those idols are money!

Habakkuk 1: Habakkuk’s complaint

Habakkuk the prophet complained God, Why, God, haven’t you destroyed this sinful place? You keep promising to do it, but you haven’t done it yet!

God answered, Hold your damn horses! I’m working on it! It even takes me some time to build up Babylon into a colonizing and destroying force. But it’ll happen! Soon! I pinky swear.

Then Habakkuk complained, Why, God, do evil people prosper? I look around me and it’s always bad people with all the damn money.

Micah 4: Mountain

But it’s not all bad, guys, continued Micah. God will raise a mountain! The highest mountain! That mountain will be the center of the world. From far and near people will come to learn God’s rules. There will be peace! There’ll be prosperity! Swords will be beaten to plowshares! Spears to pruning hooks! Exiles will come home! The disabled will be honored! Jerusalem will be the best city in the world! So don’t cry, people! Even if everything sucks right now. It’s your own fault that everyone is wailing like women in labor. I know it seems like the whole world is against you. Right now they are. Judah will lose, her people will be taken to exile in Babylon. But it’s all okay! Because of that mountain. Because God will redeem and forgive you. Eventually.

Ezekiel 27: Tyrian trade

God was particular about me laying out all the wonderful trade Tyre stood to lose when it was destroyed.  Tyre had a magnificent merchant fleet, made of Senirese juniper, Lebanese cedar, Bashanian oak, Cyprian cypress and Egyptian cotton, that traded all over the Mediterranean. It traded silver, iron, and lead from Tarshish; slaves and bronze from Greece, Tubal, and Meshek; horses and mules from Beth Togarnah; ivory and ebony from Rhodes; tortoise, coral, rubies, and textiles from Aram; wheat, olive oil, honey, and balm from Judah and Israel; wine and wool from Damascus; saddle blankets from Dedan; sheep and goats from Arabia and Kedar; spices, golds, and gems from Sheba and Raamah; and textiles from Harran, Kannah, Ashur, and Kilmad.

But all this wonderful trade will come to an end when God has Babylon destroy Tyre.

Ezekiel 21: Clap and cut

Another time God told me to prophecy against Jerusalem, It said, Go about groaning and moaning loudly and when people ask you what’s wrong tell them that you’re completely horrified at Jerusalem’s fate. At my command, Babylon will destroy the city! Also, be sure to clap while you say all this. And then slash your leg with your sword three times, to represent the three times I have decided to send Babylon against Jerusalem! Yes, seriously! Then people will be so afraid of me they’ll piss themselves!

So did as God commanded, and lo, when I cut my leg, I was barely injured. Tis a miracle!

Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh

God inspired me to write this lamentation about the gradual destruction of the Judean royal family:

In the Negeb, the mighty Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

In the Negeb, the blessed Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh Continue reading “Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh”

Ezekiel 17: An eagle and a cedar, or maybe a vine

God came to me and said, Human, I want you to tell everyone this story, so listen closely so you’ll remember it!

One day this beautiful eagle with rainbow feathers flew to Lebanon and broke off the top of a cedar tree. Then he flew to a prosperous city of merchants and planted that branch in the flood plain, where it grew into a beautiful flourishing grape vine! The eagle was pleased. But then another, bigger, more beautiful eagle came and landed next to the vine, and the fine started growing toward him and giving him all its fruit! So will this vine, torn between the love of two eagles, thrive? Or will it die?

You look confused, human.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 17: An eagle and a cedar, or maybe a vine”

Ezekiel 12: The wall

Another time, God spoke to me, Human, none of your fellow humans listen, so I want you to do this. Pack a bag like you are going into exile again and set it outside your door in the morning so everyone will see it.  Then, in the evening, dig a hole through the city wall and leave through it.

So I packed my bag and set it outside, and soon, people started asking if I was going on a trip or moving, but I just shrugged. But when I started digging a hole through the city wall, people really came to stare. They were all, What are you doing? Are you crazy? Is he crazy? Should we call the guards? Why didn’t he just leave through that gate there earlier? I mean, his bag’s been packed all dally. Must be crazy, right? Continue reading “Ezekiel 12: The wall”