Malachi 1: The last OT prophet (unless, of course, you use a different bible than the ESV)

The people of Judah kept complaining that God didn’t love them enough–after all It had sent them into exile and life was fucking hard.  Malachi had these words from God for the people of Judah:

You think I don’t love you?! Nah, man. Jacob I have loved, Esau I have hated. You think you  have it bad. Have y’all looked at what’s been going down in Edom lately? Yet you don’t hear those survivors complaining. No! They just go about trying to rebuild. But I don’t even like those fuckers! So I’ll just keep smiting them! But y’all in Judah, now. Your star could be ascending again, if only you’d stop fucking up so bad. Like with your shitty priests and their shitty food offerings. I mean, I have clearly stated in my various laws, that I will only accept the finest of first-fruits and the finest of animals for offerings. But is that what y’all are offering up? Sheol, no! You keep sacrificing bruised fruits and vegetables and sickly, scrawny goats and sheep. And you wonder why shit’s bad for you! If you want shit to get better, you better start offering up that good shit you keep for yourself! I am God, after all!

Obadiah 1: A prophet of few prophecies

Obadiah had a vision. He had a vision for Edom In his vision, Edom would be destroyed. He told everyone, God has sent me a message for Edom. It says, that even though It loved you because you descended from Esau, who was Jacob’s twin, It will destroy you because you  plotted against Israel and Judah, the descendants of Jacob, and therefore your spiritual…cousins? yeah, cousins. God wants you to know you shouldn’t have done that. Nor should you have mocked and gloated over their misfortunes. God doesn’t approve of schadenfreude. But It does like irony, so know that after you are destroyed, the exiles from Israel will settle the land that was once Edom!


(and that’s it. Next time Jonah and the whale!)

Genesis 33

The next day, Esau arrived, and Jacob bowed down before him, prepared to kiss some major ass. Bur Esau raised him up and gave him a bear hug, and was like bro! OMG, it’s been like forever! How have you been? Where are your wives? I heard one of them was really hot. Nice. Where’s your kids? Uncle Esau wants to give them kisses! What’s with all the stuff you sent me? I don’t need all that, man. I’m just glad to see you.

But Jacob was all, no,  no, I’ve done really well, you keep it, bro. It’s a gift. So Esau did. Then Esau was all, come home with me bro. Meet the new wives and the old one you didn’t like. Meet the kids! I’ll make you a feast. Jacob was all, sure, sure, but we can’t travel as fast as you. You go on ahead and I’ll catch up later. But after Esau got a good head start, Jacob went a different way and set up permanent camp in a different town.

Genesis 32: Jacob Wrestles Something Supernatural

On his way back to Canaan, Jacob got excited when he ran into more angels.

When he had almost made it home, Jacob sent a message to Esau to let him know he was nearby in order to sniff out if Esau was still mad about the whole blessing thing. Jacob’s servants returned with the message that Esau was coming to meet him with 400 armed men. Jacob was like, oh shit, he’s still pissed. What the fuck am I going to do? He’s going to kill me and take my wives and my goats and stuff. So Jacob decided to split his things into two camps and hide the women, children and best stuff in the hidden camp, and let Esau meet with the other camp. Continue reading “Genesis 32: Jacob Wrestles Something Supernatural”

Genesis 27: Jacob Steal’s Esau’s Birthright

When Isaac got old, he went blind. One day, when he was feeling like the reaper was breathing on his neck, he called Esau to him and was all, Son, my time is near the end. Let me taste some of your delicious game meat stew one last time, and then I will bless you. Esau wiped away a tear away, grabbed his bow or spear or whatever and went to track down the plumpest deer he could.

Unfortunately, Rebekah overheard all this. She still had an unreasonable animus against her firstborn and she really really wanted to get that magical blessing for Jacob. So she called Jacob to her and told him to go kill some young kids so she could make a goat and lentil stew. While she was cooking, she explained her plan to trick Isaac. Jacob was, I don’t know Ma, Esau’s pretty hairy, I don’t think dad’ll fall for it. He’s blind, not stupid.  Rebekah knocked him upside the head with her ladle and told him to go put on his brother’s clothes. When he came back, she took the kid pelts and wrapped them around Jacob’s neck and arms, gave him a tray with a steaming bowl of stew on it and told him to take it in to his father. Continue reading “Genesis 27: Jacob Steal’s Esau’s Birthright”

Genesis 25

Even though Abraham was old as fuck he got married again. Or maybe he’d had this third wife all along, but this was the first time she warranted a mention. Anyway he had a bunch of other kids besides Isaac and Ishmael, but only those two really count, well, really only Isaac counted. When Abraham died, Isaac inherited everything sans gifts for all his siblings. Ishmael came back for the funeral and they buried Abraham in the cave with Sarah.

All of Abraham’s kids had a lot of kids, but again, the only ones that count are those of Isaac.

It took Rebekah a long time to get pregnant, and when she did, it was a really rough pregnancy because she was pregnant with twins. The firstborn twin they named Esau, and he was really hairy. The second twin was named Jacob. Esau grew up to be a hunter, but Jacob was a homebody. Isaac preferred Esau because he really liked the taste of game meat, and Esau was a great cook. However, Rebekah preferred Jacob. One day, Esau came back from hunting totally famished. Jacob happened to be cooking lentil stew and Esau was all, hey bro, give me some of that stew! It smells delish. Jacob was a bit of a dick and wouldn’t give him any, so Esau was like, bro, I’m dying here! Give me some stew! I’ll give you whatever you want. So Jacob was, I’ll give me some stew if you give me your birthright of primogeniture. Esau was like, whatever, it’s yours, just give me some stew.