Matthew 12: Who makes the rules?

(Sorry things got out of order)

One time, Jesus and his followers were trampling a grain field on the Sabbath, and some of the groupies started stealing grain because they were hungry. When they got to town, the local Pharisees called Jesus out on this Sabbath violation, but Jesus was all, David did it. So do priests. Besides, fuck all that. I make the rules for the Sabbath.  The Pharisees then brought forward a man with a paralyzed hand and were all, So then, is it okay if you heal him on the Sabbath? Jesus was all, Stretch out your hand, bro. And lo, the hand was healed. The Pharisees were pleased and went off together to figure out how to bring Jesus down. So Jesus skipped town.

On his way to the next town, Jesus exorcised a demon-possessed man. The Pharisees continued their gossip that he was the emissary of Beelzebub or Satan. But Jesus was all, That don’t make any sense, guys! Why would Satan work against itself? And does that mean when your people do exorcisms they are empowered by a demon? Be logical, man! And look, I’ll forgive you for talking shit about me, but don’t dis God in Its various manifestations! Y’all a bunch of hissing snakes! You gonna get yours!

So then some Pharisees were all, Well, then if you’re the messiah, show us a sign! Jesus was all, You’ll get your sign. I’m gonna be like Jonah soon. Only shit’ll be real this time. And the queen of Sheba will be there too! Man, every time evil is swept out, it just comes back seven times stronger! This generation sucks!

While he was speaking, one of his groupies whispered to him that his mom and brothers were outside waiting to talk to him. But Jesus was all, Who are my mother and brothers! This crowd is my family!


Jonah 4: Jonah gets angry

When God told Jonah to tell everyone that It was appeased, Jonah got pissed. He was all, See! This shit is exactly why I tried to run away to Tarshsish! I knew you’d freaking change your mind and make me look like a fool! Just go ahead and kill me. Death is better than going back into Nineveh.

God was all, Come again son? Are you seriously taking that tone with ME?

So Jonah went off in a huff and set up his tent on the top of a hill so he could watch what happened to Nineveh. While he was sitting there pouting, God made a plant grow up and shade his tent, and Jonah slowly settled down into a comfortable brood.  Continue reading “Jonah 4: Jonah gets angry”

Jonah 3: Jonah does his duty

Jonah sat up on the beach. God was all, So you gonna head to Nineveh? Jonah groaned and started walking.

Nineveh was a huge city and it took him three days to cross it, spreading his message of imminent doom and destruction. The people of Nineveh took him seriously and put on sackcloth and begged God to forgive them. The king himself put on sackcloth and even proclaimed that every living creature, from human down to cat, needed hold a fast and to put on sackcloth.

God was impressed. It decided to spare Nineveh this time.

Jonah 1: Jonah’s adventures at sea

Jonah ben Amittai was going about his business one day when suddenly God said to him, Go to Nineveh and tell them that their sinning has angered me, so I plan on destroying the city.

Now Jonah wanted no part of this task. He knew how prophets were usually received, and really, who wanted to go on a fool’s errand anyway? So instead he went down to the docks in Joppa and paid passage on a ship headed to Tarshish. Jonah went down to his berth and fell fast asleep–running away from God is exhausting.

While he was sleeping, a mighty tempest arose and the sailors were barely able to keep the ship afloat. While the crew was in the process of throwing all the cargo overboard in the hopes to avoid capsizing, the captain realized that Jonah was still sound asleep. He was all, Dude! How can you sleep?! Look if you ain’t gonna help save the ship, you could at least pray to whatever god you worship to spare us from a watery grave!  Continue reading “Jonah 1: Jonah’s adventures at sea”