Genesis 23

When Sarah died, Abraham was completely distraught because he really loved her. So he negotiates with the locals and buys the cave of Machpelah from Ephram the Hittite for 400 shekels of silver to use as her tomb.

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Genesis 21

Finally, Sarah got pregnant. God and Abraham were soooo happy, but Sarah was all, everyone’s going to make fun of me for being old and pregnant. Her predication came true, because a few years later, she caught Hagar making fun of her at during Isaac’s birthday party. This was the final straw for Sarah, and she told Abraham that he needed to get Hagar out of the camp before she literally killed her. Abraham was at a loss, because he knew Sarah was crazy enough to do it, but that was his son,  he couldn’t just abandon him, and Hagar wasn’t really that bad. However, God came and told him to go ahead and cast Hagar out, because everything would be ok. Continue reading “Genesis 21”

Genesis 20

Now this particular story seems to be out of chronological order, because it seems to take place early in Abraham’s sojourn in the Negev, and Sarah is still young and totally hot in it.  Anyway, Abraham goes to Gerar, and tells Sarah to pretend to  be just his sister so he could pimp her out for a better deal. King Abimelech takes the bait, telling Abraham he’ll give him all kinds of stuff in exchange for Sarah. Unfortunately for King Abimelech, God comes and tells him that Sarah is Abraham’s wife and that It’d smite him if he ever tried to tap that ass. The next day, King Abimelech goes to Abraham and is all, what gives bro? And Abraham is all, but she is my sister, she’s just my wife too. Then Abimelech is all, whatever, no harm no foul. Just take your sister, wife whatever and go live over there in that part of the wilderness. And God is happy about this arrangement and made sure everything got pregnant.

Genesis 18

One day three angels in disguise stop by Abraham’s camp on their way to smite Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham treats them really well, so they repeat God’s promise that Sarah would get pregnant. Sarah overhears them and starts laughing her ass off, which pisses God off.

The angels (or God) then tell Abraham about Its plan to smite Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham is pretty appalled that God is just going to destroy two cities and everyone in them and tries to talk God out of it. God relents a little bit and promises that if It can find at least ten righteous men, It won’t go through with the smiting.

Genesis 17

This is the chapter in which God decides to change Abraham and Sarah’s names. I guess It didn’t like their old ones anymore. This is also the chapter in which God decides It really doesn’t like the foreskin and that all Its dolls needed to cut that icky bit of skin off from now on. So God again tells Abraham that his descendants will own all the land thereabouts, only this time in order to earn it, Abraham and all his men and all of their male descendants need to slice off that wee bit of skin. God also promises Abraham that Sarah will have a son that It will really really like, even though Sarah is going through menopause. Abraham’s rightly worried about his actual son Ishmael, but God blows him off with a promise that Ishmael would be blessed too.

Genesis 12

Eventually God had a new favorite doll named Abram, but then God decided that It didn’t like his name and changed it to Abraham. It also decided that It preferred humans without a particular wee bit of skin, but we’ll get to that later. Then It changed the name of Abram’s wife to Sarah for good measure. God also told Abraham to move from Ur to Its favorite part of the Blue Planet, Canaan, which was closer to the coast than Ur. Continue reading “Genesis 12”