Matthew 20: Wine and death

Jesus continued, Look, heaven is like…well, say God is the owner of a vineyard, and at harvest time, It goes out and hires some dudes to pick the grapes for like $100. Then at ten, It goes to the Home Depot and hires some more guys. Then at noon, It goes to the Menards and hires some more guys, then at three, It goes to the Lowes and hires some more guys, and then at like 5, It goes to the homeless shelter and hires all those guys too. then at 7, all the guys come to get paid, and God-the-vineyard-owner gives each one $100. Now the guys who had been there all day are pissed because they had worked so much longer than everyone else. But God-the-vineyard-owner is all, You agreed to $100! Why you mad? You mad that I got all the money? Or are you mad that I’m generous and charitable?

The groupies just looked around blankly, so said, From here, we’re going to go back to Jerusalem, and there I will be arrested, tortured, and executed. This did not help conversation.

Later, Mrs. Zebedee came and asked Jesus, Since you took my sons John and James away, at least say that they’ll be your right-hand men when you get your kingdom. So Jesus looked at them and was all, You gonna walk in my shoes? And they were all, Sure thing! So Jesus was all, You’re hired! But only God can choose my lieutenants. Then the other 10 groupies started pouting. Jesus was all, You stupid babies. In my kingdom, everyone will have to be servants. Even me!

When they left Jericho, Jesus healed two homeless blind men.

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