Hosea 3: Can’t make a ho a housewife

Of course Gomer cheated on Hosea and left him. God told Hosea to go get his wife back. So he bought her from her lover for six ounces of silver and 430 pounds of barley. When they were reunited, he said, Look, you’re mine and you gotta stop cheating and whoring. I’ll be good to you. Besides, don’t you now our marriage is supposed to symbolize God’s union with Israel? Take this seriously, babe.

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Hosea 1: Hey, Hosea

Hosea ben Beeri first started talking to God back when when Jeroboam was king of Israel.

The first thing God told Hosea was to go find a slutty woman and marry her to represent how God currently felt about Israel. So Hosea searched and searched and eventually found Gomer, the most promiscuous girl in town.

He decided to assume the kids were his. The first one was a boy and God told him to name it Jezreel, in honor of the massacre of Israelites in Jezreel that God had planned. The next one was a girl. God said to name it Not Loved, because that’s how It felt about Israel. The third kid was named Not My People, because God was breaking up with Israel.

Ezekiel 44: Odds and ends

God continued, The East gate will never be opened! Never! Because it will be my private entrance and I’m insubstantial. Only the king will be allowed to approach the East gate, but he will have to use the vestibule door.

The Temple priests. Well, most of the Levites pissed me off, but they are still of the priestly class, so they will be assigned to all the menial Temple duties. Only the descendants of Zadock will be allowed to do duty in the Inner Temple. All priests will have to wear all linen. No wool! Even if it’s a bad winter. Wool makes you humans sweat, and I can’t abide human excretions. I don’t know why I made you so leaky. It’s just gross. The priests will need to keep their hair trimmed nicely–not too long or too short, but they should grow glorious hipster beards. They must marry Jewish virgins or widows of priests.  They are not allowed to drink in the Temple complex! They should also always abide by all my laws! For this they will receive the firstfruits.

One of the things that pissed me off the most and that caused me to destroy Jerusalem was that you guys let all kinds of people and things in the Temple. No more of that! No foreigners or uncircumcised people are allowed in the Temple!

Ezekiel 24: No meat or mourning

Toward the end of the  ninth year of exile, God told me to write down that day’s date and show everyone because it was the date that the siege of Jerusalem started. And while I announced this I was sing them a song about how Jerusalem was a cooking pot full of good meat, left on the fire so long that even the pot would burn.

Shortly thereafter, my wife died. But God commanded me not to go into mourning. I wasn’t even allowed to cry. It said, “When people ask you why you aren’t mourning, tell them that you are a sign for how they should act when they hear that the Temple is destroyed. After this, you won’t be able to speak again  until a messenger comes with the news that Jerusalem has fallen.”

Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning

Another time God said to me, Human, let me explain my disgust and anger at Jerusalem in terms you might be able to understand, in human terms. Imagine Jerusalem is a woman, my wife even. Now, imagine that the first time I met her she was just a newborn–like just born, because I found her in a dumpster with her umbilical cord still attached because her unwed mother was ashamed of her half-breed bastard and threw her away. But I felt sorry for the mewling thing and took her out of the trash and cleaned her up and found her a loving foster home.

Later, when she was a pubertal teenager, I saw her budding breasts and the curling hair sprouting on her vulva, and I thought, that’s a flower I’d like to pluck, but I waited a few years, until she was ready for love. And when I fucked her did I just leave her? No! I helped her wipe the blood off and even massaged fragrant oil into the sore places. Then I married her! I gave her beautiful clothes and expensive jewelry. I fed her lobster and champagne whenever she wanted. She was a queen! And when Jerusalem lorded it over my exes, Sodom and Samaria, I said nothing.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning”

Jeremiah 16: Don’t get married

One day God told Jeremiah, Look, Jeremiah, I know your mom’s been asking when you’re going to bring home your first wife and give her some grandkids because the neighbors keep asking why a man your age is still single because it’s weird and it’s high time you were settled down and all, but I don’t want you to get married. Or have any kids. They’d just die horrible deaths, so there’s no point in it. Also–and I know everyone’s going to judge you for this too–I don’t want you to go to any funerals or wakes or engage in any mourning rituals. When people ask you why you’re so weird, just tell them it’s because I’ve condemned Judah to pestilence and war. If they ask why, tell them it’s because they’ve cheated on me, and their fathers cheated on me, and their fathers’ fathers cheated on me, and so on…..However….to give them hope, tell them that one day, one future blessed day, after their descendants have learned their lessons, I’ll restore Israel to my favor and the Promised Land.

Isaiah 4

Things will get so bad that seven women will ask one man to marry them all to make them honest women! They’ll even tell him that that’s all he’ll have to do. They’ll all keep their jobs and support themselves–they’ll just need his last name!

Those that survive the cleansing of the Lord will be God’s glory. And a cloud will cover Mount Zion by day and it will be a fire at night!

Song of Songs 3: Sandy realizes who her lover is

Sandy sighed, But when I woke up in the morning, my lover was gone ! I wandered around town looking for him, asking everyone I met. I almost despaired, but at last I found him! I made him come home with me to meet my mom…That’s when I realized my lover was actually King Solomon! Well, he did the honorable thing and married me. Or made me his concubine. Or something. I dunno exactly. When we tied the knot, he did so all officially, with an honor guard. He drove his nicest cedar carriage all inlaid with gold and silver. It is truly a sweet ride. I bet it makes all the girls, well, you know.

Esther 2: The Bachelor, c.480 BCE

Then the king commanded that all the beautiful young virgins from every corner of the kingdom be gathered at Susa and housed in the harem and given access to all the best beauty aids and then he would choose the most pleasing to be Miss Pers–er–the next queen.

The gathered virgins would each spend a year in the harem undergoing rigorous beauty treatments and charm schooling before being presented to the king for deflowering. After which, she would be sent into the harem for the concubines to await her fate. If she was lucky, she would be chosen Queen. If she wasn’t, her runner-up prize was to be a sex slave in the royal harem instead.  Continue reading “Esther 2: The Bachelor, c.480 BCE”