Matthew 19: No divorce and no dough

Jesus went into the wilderness across the Jordan, but people followed him there anyway. So he healed a bunch of people. Some people wanted him to touch their kids for luck, but the groupies yelled at them. So Jesus yelled at the groupies, Never keep a child from coming to me, yo! And he pinched cheeks and hugged babies until their parents took them home.

Then some Pharisees were all, So, Jesus, what do you think about divorce? Jesus was all, Divorce is wrong. It’s right there in Genesis 2: men will leave their families and cleave to their wives. The Pharisees countered, What about Moses? There’s divorce all through the rest of the Torah. Jesus rolled his eyes, and was all, That’s because Moses had no spine and caved to the cravenness of the humans he led. The only reason EVER for divorce is if the wife cheats on her man. Dudes who divorce and remarry are total adulterers. Continue reading “Matthew 19: No divorce and no dough”

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Matthew 14: John dies

Herod the Great, the one who wanted to kill baby Jesus, had a bunch of kids, many of whom he had to have executed because of coup attempts. After one of these, he married his granddaughter Herodias to his son Herod (Phillip) II. They lived in Rome for a while, where they had a daughter they named Salome, after her aunt. But then they got divorced, and Herodias married another one of her uncles, Herod Antipas, who was serving as a Roman client king over the province of Galilee. (See, after Herod the Great died, Rome divided the region into four sections, each ruled by one of his surviving kids (Herod Antipas, Philip the Tetrarch, Herod Archelaus, and Salome I).

Anyhoo, John the Baptist had made a big stink about Herodias’s second uncle marriage, the one with Herod Antipas. So when Herod Antipas had arrested John for generally disturbing the peace, Herodias began nagging her new uncle husband to execute the troublemaker. Herod refused. But then Herod’s birthday came around, and his step-daughter/niece Salome did a dance for him, and she danced so well, that he told her she could have anything she wanted as a reward. So she piped up, as her mother had bid her, I want the head of John the Baptist on a silver platter! Herod felt bad, but he always kept his promises, so in a twinkling, she had her wish! Later, they married her off to her uncle, Philip the Tetrarch, who was 32 years older than her. Continue reading “Matthew 14: John dies”

Matthew 5: Sermon on the Mount

Again, because there wasn’t any television or movies or even radio, street preachers were everyone’s favorite cheap entertainment. Jesus was always a popular draw when he came to town. This one time, the crowd was so large that Jesus was worried the people in the back wouldn’t be able to hear him, since microphones hadn’t been invented either. So he climbed up a mountain and found a nice cliff to stand on so that everyone could see him and his voice would echo out. Then he began laying down some controversial opinions, the Be-Attitudes:

  • Depressed, low-spirited folk deserve love too, from Da–er–God, if not from humans.
  • Humble people might get railroaded, but they’ll eventually get theirs.
  • People who fight for justice will eventually see it served; however, it’s best to be merciful if you also want to be forgiven when you fuck up.
  • Be pure and good and love peace because the world is what you make it.
  • God will bless and reward anyone who gets persecuted or punished for following me or for spreading my opinions. I promise! And this is why.  You are the salt of the world and salty snacks are good! And you are cities on hills that everyone can see!
  • Anger is just as bad as murder and God will never listen to you or accept your offerings if you holding any grudges when you pray.
  • Getting revenge is also bad. Just forgive and move on. Plus, bullies hate it when you don’t get mad or react or anything, especially if you act all righteous when you forgive them.
  • And it’s not enough to only love your family and friends. Love everyone! Even people who do you dirt. Cuz if Da–er–God made everything, then even shitty people were made by It. Who are you to question It’s plan? It’s perfect!
  • Lusting after someone is just as bad as cheating on your wife. It’s better to be castrated than to lust, just like it’s better to lose your hand than to steal.
  • And don’t think that divorce is the answer here. I don’t believe in divorce, so remarriage is still cheating.

I know it might seem like I’m making up new laws. I’m not. I’m just reinterpreting the old laws. In fact, I’m a fulfillment of all the laws and prophecies! So, like, follow me!

Matthew 1: Jesus

One day there was this girl named Mary and she was engaged to this man named Joseph. But even though Joseph had never gotten so much as a cuddle, Mary’s tummy started protruding through her smock. She was clearly pregnant. Since Joseph was a decent dude, and he didn’t want her stoned to death for adultery, he decided he’d break up with her all quiet-like. The night before he was going to end things, however, he dreamed of an angel that said it was God that had knocked Mary up, so he needed to go ahead and marry her to make an honest woman of her and to raise God’s kid, who was the savior of the world all those prophets promised. The angel told Joseph to name the kid Jesus, which is cooler version of Joshua, after all the other Joshuas God had favored.

Because Isaiah and the other prophets said that the messiah would be of the lineage of David, it’s important that Joseph, Jesus’s step-dad, was the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandkid of David.

Malachi 2: Shitty priests

Malachi went to the priests and was all, God has this message for you:

You guys are shitty priests who don’t really believe in what you’re doing and because you do such a shitty job, I’m going to smear shit all over your faces and make sure your kids have shitty lives. I made the Levites my priests because Levi was such an awesome priest. His little finger would make a better priest than any on of you. You shame your ancestor. Also, it’s really shitty that so many of you divorced your first wives when they got old. I’m down for polygamy, but you gotta take care of the first wife, yo.

The priests were pretty pissy about this guy coming in and criticizing them, but Malachi was all, Look, we’ve all messed up. Our entire country cheated on God and got punished. God’s sick of hearing you complain about there being evil in the world and the rain falling on the just and unjust alike, yadda yadda yadda. Suck it up and do better!

Hosea 3: Can’t make a ho a housewife

Of course Gomer cheated on Hosea and left him. God told Hosea to go get his wife back. So he bought her from her lover for six ounces of silver and 430 pounds of barley. When they were reunited, he said, Look, you’re mine and you gotta stop cheating and whoring. I’ll be good to you. Besides, don’t you now our marriage is supposed to symbolize God’s union with Israel? Take this seriously, babe.

Hosea 1: Hey, Hosea

Hosea ben Beeri first started talking to God back when when Jeroboam was king of Israel.

The first thing God told Hosea was to go find a slutty woman and marry her to represent how God currently felt about Israel. So Hosea searched and searched and eventually found Gomer, the most promiscuous girl in town.

He decided to assume the kids were his. The first one was a boy and God told him to name it Jezreel, in honor of the massacre of Israelites in Jezreel that God had planned. The next one was a girl. God said to name it Not Loved, because that’s how It felt about Israel. The third kid was named Not My People, because God was breaking up with Israel.

Ezekiel 44: Odds and ends

God continued, The East gate will never be opened! Never! Because it will be my private entrance and I’m insubstantial. Only the king will be allowed to approach the East gate, but he will have to use the vestibule door.

The Temple priests. Well, most of the Levites pissed me off, but they are still of the priestly class, so they will be assigned to all the menial Temple duties. Only the descendants of Zadock will be allowed to do duty in the Inner Temple. All priests will have to wear all linen. No wool! Even if it’s a bad winter. Wool makes you humans sweat, and I can’t abide human excretions. I don’t know why I made you so leaky. It’s just gross. The priests will need to keep their hair trimmed nicely–not too long or too short, but they should grow glorious hipster beards. They must marry Jewish virgins or widows of priests.  They are not allowed to drink in the Temple complex! They should also always abide by all my laws! For this they will receive the firstfruits.

One of the things that pissed me off the most and that caused me to destroy Jerusalem was that you guys let all kinds of people and things in the Temple. No more of that! No foreigners or uncircumcised people are allowed in the Temple!

Ezekiel 24: No meat or mourning

Toward the end of the  ninth year of exile, God told me to write down that day’s date and show everyone because it was the date that the siege of Jerusalem started. And while I announced this I was sing them a song about how Jerusalem was a cooking pot full of good meat, left on the fire so long that even the pot would burn.

Shortly thereafter, my wife died. But God commanded me not to go into mourning. I wasn’t even allowed to cry. It said, “When people ask you why you aren’t mourning, tell them that you are a sign for how they should act when they hear that the Temple is destroyed. After this, you won’t be able to speak again  until a messenger comes with the news that Jerusalem has fallen.”

Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning

Another time God said to me, Human, let me explain my disgust and anger at Jerusalem in terms you might be able to understand, in human terms. Imagine Jerusalem is a woman, my wife even. Now, imagine that the first time I met her she was just a newborn–like just born, because I found her in a dumpster with her umbilical cord still attached because her unwed mother was ashamed of her half-breed bastard and threw her away. But I felt sorry for the mewling thing and took her out of the trash and cleaned her up and found her a loving foster home.

Later, when she was a pubertal teenager, I saw her budding breasts and the curling hair sprouting on her vulva, and I thought, that’s a flower I’d like to pluck, but I waited a few years, until she was ready for love. And when I fucked her did I just leave her? No! I helped her wipe the blood off and even massaged fragrant oil into the sore places. Then I married her! I gave her beautiful clothes and expensive jewelry. I fed her lobster and champagne whenever she wanted. She was a queen! And when Jerusalem lorded it over my exes, Sodom and Samaria, I said nothing.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning”