One day God told Jeremiah, Look, Jeremiah, I know your mom’s been asking when you’re going to bring home your first wife and give her some grandkids because the neighbors keep asking why a man your age is still single because it’s weird and it’s high time you were settled down and all, but I don’t want you to get married. Or have any kids. They’d just die horrible deaths, so there’s no point in it. Also–and I know everyone’s going to judge you for this too–I don’t want you to go to any funerals or wakes or engage in any mourning rituals. When people ask you why you’re so weird, just tell them it’s because I’ve condemned Judah to pestilence and war. If they ask why, tell them it’s because they’ve cheated on me, and their fathers cheated on me, and their fathers’ fathers cheated on me, and so on…..However….to give them hope, tell them that one day, one future blessed day, after their descendants have learned their lessons, I’ll restore Israel to my favor and the Promised Land.
And God will marry Israel! It will be your nation’s bridegroom, and It will call you Mrs. and Honey and Boo Boo Kitty Fuck. You will be the happiest wife-nation ever! And It will guard you and protect you and provide for you like a real God should.
Things will get so bad that seven women will ask one man to marry them all to make them honest women! They’ll even tell him that that’s all he’ll have to do. They’ll all keep their jobs and support themselves–they’ll just need his last name!
Those that survive the cleansing of the Lord will be God’s glory. And a cloud will cover Mount Zion by day and it will be a fire at night!
Sandy sighed, But when I woke up in the morning, my lover was gone ! I wandered around town looking for him, asking everyone I met. I almost despaired, but at last I found him! I made him come home with me to meet my mom…That’s when I realized my lover was actually King Solomon! Well, he did the honorable thing and married me. Or made me his concubine. Or something. I dunno exactly. When we tied the knot, he did so all officially, with an honor guard. He drove his nicest cedar carriage all inlaid with gold and silver. It is truly a sweet ride. I bet it makes all the girls, well, you know.
Then the king commanded that all the beautiful young virgins from every corner of the kingdom be gathered at Susa and housed in the harem and given access to all the best beauty aids and then he would choose the most pleasing to be Miss Pers–er–the next queen.
The gathered virgins would each spend a year in the harem undergoing rigorous beauty treatments and charm schooling before being presented to the king for deflowering. After which, she would be sent into the harem for the concubines to await her fate. If she was lucky, she would be chosen Queen. If she wasn’t, her runner-up prize was to be a sex slave in the royal harem instead. Continue reading “Esther 2: The Bachelor, c.480 BCE”
Once upon a time, when the Persian empire stretched from India to Ethiopia, King Ahasuerus (Xerxes I), decided to throw a grand festival to celebrate himself. So for six months, the capital of Susa was filled with barkers and tourists and pickpockets and everything had a carnival air. To close the festival with a bang, the king held a week long feast in his palace gardens for everyone–noble and poor commoner alike. The gardens were decked with white curtains and velvet hangings on silver rods and marble pillars. Sumptuous couches of silver and gold rested upon walks tiled with precious stones–porphyry, amethyst, mother-of-pearl, topaz, garnet, everything imaginable. Wine flowed into silver and golden goblets–as much as a man could wish to drink.
The women had their own feast in the gardens of Queen Vashti’s palace. Continue reading “Esther 1: A Cinderella story”
Ezra declared that anyone married to a “foreign” woman–anyone not of clear Jewish decent–must divorce her immediately and disown any children they might have together. The names of such sinners were recorded for infamy.
So that’s Ezra….Coming up, we have the brief memoir of another minor bureaucrat in the Persian empire, Nehemiah.
One of Ezra’s first acts was to try to nip in the bud the sinful and unholy practice of intermarrying with all of the other area peoples–Ammonites, Moabites, Canaanites, etc–as had been occurring for the past several centuries. (Remember David himself was 1/8 Moabite).
As we learned in II Kings 8, Jehoshaphat cemented the peace with Israel by marrying his eldest son to one of King Ahab’s daughters, Athaliah. So a few years later, when Ahab requested Jehoshaphat that join forces with him to go reclaim Hebrew land, dammit, from the Syrians, Jehoshaphat couldn’t refuse, but also tried to delay with religious ceremonies, as has been told in I Kings 22: The End of Ahab.
One night God came to Solomon in a dream and was all, I’ll give you one wish, whatever you want. So Solomon wished for wisdom. Then God was so excited about Solomon’s wish that It promised him riches and honor too.
The best example of Solomon’s wisdom is the time he judged between two arguing prostitutes.
See these two tricks lived together because times was hard and hooking ain’t easy and both had babies whose daddies done split. One night Krystal’s baby up and died from SIDS or something so she sneaked over to Chastity’s side of the hovel and traded the dead baby for the live one.
In the morning Chastity started screaming when she found the dead baby. Then she was all, wait a minute. This ain’t my kid. Where my baby at? Krystal you skank ass ho you took my baby didn’t you? This dead thing’s your! Give me back my baby! Continue reading “I Kings 3: Solomon’s Wisdom”