I Samuel 13: Saul Angers God

If you recall, Israel had been under Philistine domination for quite some time. The Philistines had declared that no Hebrew was to be allowed swords or any other weapons, and they had outlawed Hebrews from being blacksmiths to prevent any weapons from being made illegally. However, Saul was planning an insurrection, so he convinced all the Hebrews to carry their farming implements–plowshares, mattocks, axes, etc–to their local Philistine blacksmiths for sharpening. Saul, and his son Jonathan, had swords, however.

This is maybe 2-3 years after the anointing, maybe 12-13, since Saul, who appeared to be a young man at the anointing, now has a son old enough to fight in battle, so anyway, at some point in the future, near or far, it doesn’t matter, because this is the time of the gods, Saul gathered up an army of 3000 Hebrews to fight the Philistines. He had charge of 2000 in Michmash while his son Jonathan had charge of the other 1000 in Gibeah.  Continue reading “I Samuel 13: Saul Angers God”

Leviticus 27

Then God said, let’s go over values. Here’s how much people, based on age and sex, are worth, you know, for slavery or for blood money, etc.

Males 20-60          20 ounces of silver
Females 20-60      12 ounces of silver
Males 5-20              8 ounces of silver
Females 5-20          4 ounces of silver
Males birth-5          2 ounces of silver
Females birth-5     1.2 ounces of silver
Males 60+                 6 ounces of silver
Females 60+             4 ounces of silver

Also, remember all sacrificial animals need to be healthy and perfect! If someone wants to redeem a 
sacrificial animal, they will need to pay its value plus 1/5 interest.

If a person offers his house as a sacrifice, then the priest will assess its value, and if the person wants to    redeem it, he will need to pay its value, plus 1/5 interest. If the person doesn't redeem it, it becomes the priest's in the Jubilee year. 

Since all the firstborn are already mine, no one can offer or redeem them. 

If someone devotes or sacrifice something to me, they can't turn around and sell it. 

Also, I get 1/10 of everything as a tithe. 

I think that about does it, Moses. Good talk. 

(And so comes to a close Leviticus. Next time we begin Numbers, or the Further Adventures of God and Moses.)

Continue reading “Leviticus 27”

Leviticus 19

Next God was all, Ok, I have a random bag of regulations that I need to tell you. Some we’ve talked about, some we haven’t, some I just forgot to mention earlier. So get that stylus ready, Moses, because here we go.  Like, keep the ten commandments, but especially be sure to keep the second, fourth and fifth. And don’t lie or cheat or make false promises in my name.

Be sure to eat peace offerings–i.e. most butchered meat–within three days. Otherwise it starts to stink, gets full of nasty bacteria, and attracts ants.

Don’t oppress people or refuse to pay your debts or needlessly fuck with disabled people to make their lives hard. In other words, try not to be a dick. Continue reading “Leviticus 19”

Leviticus 17

Then God was all, I know all this might seem like a lot, Moses, but I still have more rules I want you to follow if you want to by my one, my only, my chosen people.

And so, all animals–whether livestock or game–killed must be brought to the tent of meeting as peace sacrifices and the blood thrown on the altar and the fat burned for me. Because I will assume that any animals not butchered in this way are sacrifices to other gods like that ass of a goat demon, Azazel. Anyone caught killing animals that aren’t offered to me should be banished. This goes for sojourners as well! No one whores themselves out to that bastard on my watch. Continue reading “Leviticus 17”

Leviticus 16

Then God was all, Ok, so I know Aaron is bummed about my killing his sons and all, but he has to understand that no one can come into my holiest of holies without the proper preparation. Really on Aaron as the high priest should go in there, and to do so, he needs to be all dolled up in full regalia, sacrifice a bull, and then bring two goats and cast lots to see which one to sacrifice. The winner gets burned for me and the loser gets let loose into the wilderness for Azazel. You know, Yellow Eyes? Anyway, all the community sins will be placed on Yellow Eyes’ goat, and it will be everyone’s scapegoat. Aaron will need to burn incense and sprinkle the bull and goat blood on the mercy seat, in my holy place. By the way, this should all be done on the tenth day of the seventh month, which will be a Sabbath day.

If all this is done, then it atones for Aaron’s and everyone else’s sins, and I’ll refrain from smiting.

After the ritual, Aaron will need to take off all the regalia and bathe.

Leviticus 7

God continued explaining the rules of offerings, So priests get the breast and right thigh of any peace offerings, but the person who offered it gets the rest. Peace offerings of thanksgiving need to be offered with loaves of unleavened bread and oil. One of them will be burned and the other given to the priest. These sorts of offerings must be eaten the same day, but free will offerings can be eaten over the course of three days.

Only ritually clean people can eat offerings. If someone eats of it who is unclean, he should be banished.

Priests can’t eat the meat of burnt offerings, but they can keep the skin.

Make sure everyone understands that they are never allowed to eat the fat or blood of animals. Those are mine! If someone breaks this rule, banish him.

Leviticus 6

And God kept on, Um, well, some examples of breaches of faith that require a guilt offering are, let’s see, cheating someone out of a deposit or collateral; robbing or otherwise cheating or abusing one’s neighbor; finding something and then lying about it and keeping it; or bearing false witness or swearing falsely.

Also, Moses, you need to be certain to explain to the priests their parts in all these rituals. I want the pageant to run smoothly. Burnt offerings must burn all night, and then in the morning, the priest will wear clean linen and underwear to sweep the ashes off the altar. Then he will change his clothes and underwear before he takes the ashes out of camp to the dump. You don’t need to know why, dude. Just tell them. Continue reading “Leviticus 6”

Leviticus 5: Or, Even More about Sin

And God continued, Sooooooo some of the sins that require a, well, common person to need to bring a sin offering include refusing to testify as a witness; touching or eating unclean animals, dead or alive; touching some sort of human uncleanness; or swearing rashly in anger.

Oh, by the way, if the person is a poor and can’t afford a lamb or kid, even a female one, then he can sacrifice a bird, but only a turtledove or pigeon. Make that two birds. He can’t be so poor that he can’t acquire some sky rats. What’s that, Moses? Seriously, some of you people are that poor? Jesus. Well, then the poorest among you can offer a gross grain offering. I don’t want to be a complete dick.

Anyway, back to different types of sins and their proper punishments.

If someone is guilty of cheating on me accidentally, then that person has breached faith with me and must sacrifice a ram as a guilt offering. He will also have to offer me restitution, plus 1/5, of the value of whatever holy thing they failed to do for me.  Um….

Leviticus 4: Sacrifices for Atonement

And God still continued, So, when someone commits a sin by accidentally breaking one of my rules, but then becomes aware of his or her transgression, they have to offer a sin offering to be forgiven and ritually cleansed. Now I have different rules for different types of people. Say for instance, that the person who sinned was a priest, and therefore his sin fell upon everybody in his congregation, then the priest has to sacrifice a bull. Some of its blood needs to be sprinkled against the ark veil seven times, then some more has to be rubbed on the horns of the incense altar. The rest needs to be poured out at the base of the main altar. Finally, the bull’s fat and organs need to be burned for me, but the rest of it needs to be carried outside of camp to be burned.

If the sin is a collective, community sin, then you guys will need to follow the procedure I just outlined. However, if the sin is only that of a secular tribal leader, then that dude will have to sacrifice a male goat, using the ritual actions as with the bull. If the transgressor is a merely common person, then he or she can sacrifice a female goat or lamb instead, I guess.