Genesis 16

After all these promises from God, Sarah started feeling really bad about being barren, so she told Abraham that he could fuck her slave woman Hagar, and she, Sarah, would claim any resulting children as her own. However, when Hagar did get pregnant, Sarah just hated her for it and accused her of being proud and insolent. She started beating Hagar and accusing Abraham of liking Hagar better.

It got so bad that Hagar finally ran away, but then an angel came to her and told her to stiffen that upper lip, go back and submit to all the abuse Sarah could dish out, because if she did, then God would bless Ishmael. So Hagar stupidly returns to an abusive situation, and maybe Ishmael was blessed, but his descendants mostly show up in this story as adversaries to God’s favorites, the Hebrews  who descended from Isaac.

Genesis 8

Eventually the flood ended, as floods usually do, and the smelly, crowded boat landed on an island that turned out to be the top of Mount Ararat after sea levels subsided more. Noah was a cautious dude and wouldn’t let anybody off the boat for awhile, just to make sure the coast was clear. He spent a few weeks sending out birds to see if they would come back for want of anywhere else to roost. After the third bird, he decided it was safe, and everyone finally got off the poop cruise.

But all was not well for everything. Noah felt the need to kill and burn a bunch of the “clean” animals to thank God for saving him and his crew. God then felt bad for smiting everything out of boredom.

Genesis 7: Noah’s Ark

So Noah built the boat and gathered all the animals and locked them and his family (wife, sons and their wives) inside. Then the Ice Age ended, causing sea levels to rise and many coastal cities and civilizations to be inundated. Noah and crew floated around in that clearly stinky ass boat for a really long time, probably trying to calm down the undoubtedly frightened animals and avoid killing one another out of boredom and cabin fever. They probably amused themselves by watching sharks eat all the bloated carcasses of the dead animals and humans floating by. Maybe they fished out some of the humans to take nice things like shiny shiny gold.