Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning

Another time God said to me, Human, let me explain my disgust and anger at Jerusalem in terms you might be able to understand, in human terms. Imagine Jerusalem is a woman, my wife even. Now, imagine that the first time I met her she was just a newborn–like just born, because I found her in a dumpster with her umbilical cord still attached because her unwed mother was ashamed of her half-breed bastard and threw her away. But I felt sorry for the mewling thing and took her out of the trash and cleaned her up and found her a loving foster home.

Later, when she was a pubertal teenager, I saw her budding breasts and the curling hair sprouting on her vulva, and I thought, that’s a flower I’d like to pluck, but I waited a few years, until she was ready for love. And when I fucked her did I just leave her? No! I helped her wipe the blood off and even massaged fragrant oil into the sore places. Then I married her! I gave her beautiful clothes and expensive jewelry. I fed her lobster and champagne whenever she wanted. She was a queen! And when Jerusalem lorded it over my exes, Sodom and Samaria, I said nothing. 

Advertisements

Judges 19: A Most Vicious Gang Rape

On another occasion a Levite, who lived in Ephraim, had a major falling out with his concubine. In a huff, she decided to return to her father’s house in Bethlehem, which was in Judah. After about four months, the Levite decided it was time to make up with her, so he traveled to Bethlehem to fetch her.

When he got there, her father was delighted to see him, and kept feasting him, and urging him to stay another night. After about a week, however, the Levite grew tired and insisted it was time for them to be returning to Ephraim.

Genesis 19: Sodom, Gomorrah and Lot and his Daughters

The angels then proceed onto Sodom, to check out things in preparation for smiting. When Lot sees them in the town square, looking around, he invites them to his house for the night. After dinner, while Lot’s in the process of settling his guests for the night, a mob of dudes come, no doubt drunkenly, banging on Lot’s door, yelling for them to send out his guests because they wanna fuck ’em. Lot eases out the door and tries to talk some sense into this violent mob of men who view sex as a right that they can inflict on anyone they see as lesser. Lot’s all, hey guys, right, those men, yes, yes, they’re hot and they owe, sure whatever, but, guys, hey hey, that’s not cool guys, we can’t just rape everyone that comes to town that we think is hot. That’s not cool, guys. That’s a dick move that violates ancient customs of hospitality. That’s the kind of move that pisses God off. But hey, you guys are horny and all riled up, I get it, I really do. But you can’t rape those guys. I know you gotta rape, but not them, see? But hey guys, hey, I got two virgin daughters. How ’bout you rape them instead? I’ll go get ’em for you and everything. And I won’t expect any payment, guys I promise. Rape them all you want, k?