Micah 1: Meet Micah

Micah, who was from Moresheth, was an active prophet during the reigns of JothanAhaz, and Hezekiah in Judah. This was a relatively stable period in Judah, although Israel was in disarray and ended up in exile. It also means that Micah was prophesying at the same time as Isaiah , but he had a lot less to say.

Micah began his prophet career by  stripping down and going into the town square where he started proclaiming, Hey, everyone! God is totally pissed that you are cheating on It with idols! It’s going to melt the mountains and split the valleys and flood everything in between until Judah and Samaria are nothing but rubble! That’s why I go around naked and wailing. You should all shave your heads and strip down for mourning too!

Isaiah 25: (Another skipped one!)

When Isaiah wasn’t prophesying disaster, he was praising God for causing disasters and destroying cities. He also praised God for offering solace to the poor and the oppressed–because one day, God would provide everyone with a bounteous feast and remove all sadness from every heart. And on that day everyone would praise God.

Isaiah 66: God’s final word

God continued, Seriously, guys, I live in heaven. Earth’s an afterthought. It’s like my footstool, or that little table that I sit my beer on. Nice, but not necessary. So it really annoys me when you forget your place. I only like humble, contrite, fearful followers. If you’re not afraid and sorry then your prayers are no better than when you cheat on me and pray to Baal or some other god. I hate cheaters. Seriously, everyone does. And you will die a slow, violent, bloody death. But you faithful! You I love! To you I promise that we’ll have a bright future together! I know things are tough for you right now for you little amoeba, but can ladies give birth without pain? So relax. I’ll see Zion born and your country overflowing with prosperity! A princess among nations. My princess! Everyone will be so jealous and will want me to be their god too.


(Finally, that’s the end of Isaiah. Jeremiah is next, so we’ll travel back  to the years before the Babylonian takeover and another naysayer who saw it coming.)

Isaiah 63

Isaiah shouted, I see a man, coming from Edom way! His clothes are all spattered with red, so I ask him, What’s all that then? Were you treading grapes for wine? And he answers, Yeah, I tread on the winepress and made the sweetest wine–the blood of all those who had oppressed and wronged me. Today is the day of my vengeance! I have trampled the brains of my enemies and the ground has drunk their blood!

Isaiah continued, Surely our God is kind! It does so many things for us! It redeems us and punishes our enemies, those who oppress and wrong us! I know things have been bad lately, but that’s because you all forgot God and didn’t worship It like It wanted, like Abraham and Moses did.

Isaiah 60

Jews, arise! for your time has come and God smiles on you again. All else is in darkness. Nations will fly toward your light like moths.

Come! Bring your children and rejoice. The wealth of the world will pour into your coffers. The sea will bring trade and the herds of camels and sheep will be plenteous. God says It knows It struck you down, but now It will raise you back up. Your sun and moon will never set! The least of you will become a thousand, the smallest a nation!