I Chronicles 23: An ok census

Then David took a census of the Levites, so he could assign them new jobs for taking care of the Temple, since their old jobs of carrying and tending the Tabernacle would be obsolete.

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II Kings 12

Early in Joash’s reign, he ordered the Temple to be repaired, but after 23 years, nothing had been done. So he reformed Temple donations by having them place the money directly into a locked box, and the money to repair the Temple was collected in no time.

Joash also paid tribute to Hazael of Syria to keep him from raiding Jerusalem.

He reigned for 40 years and then two of his servants murdered him. His son Amaziah became king.

II Kings 11: Murderous grandmother

When Athaliah, Ahaziah’s mother, saw he was dead, she saw her chance to consolidate her own power and become queen. She murdered all of her grandkids as well as all of her late husband’s other male children–except for the infant Joash, whose sister Jehosheba smuggled him out of the palace and hid him in the home of the high priest Jehoida.

When Joash was 7, Jehoida conspired with all the soldiers. He had them guard the boy at the Temple and crowned him king. Then he had the soldiers kill Athaliah and all her followers. He also roused the people to rise up and destroy all the temples of Baal and murder Mattan, high priest of Baal.

I Kings 14: More on Rehoboam and Jeroboam

Rehoboam reigned in Judah for 17 years. His mother was an Ammonite princess, and he continued in all his father’s heretical practices of worshiping the Baals and Ashtaroth and other gods. He even allowed male cult prostitution to flourish.

In the fifth year of his reign, King Shishak of Egypt came and raided Jerusalem and robbed the Temple.

Rehoboam was also at constant war with Jeroboam.

When Rehoboam died, his son Abijam became king.

Over in Israel, Jeroboam ruled 22 years. Sometime after Abijam came to the other throne, one of Jeroboam’s sons got really sick, so he told his wife to put on a disguise and go consult the prophet Ahijah. The prophet, though old and blind, was unfooled by her disguise and was all, Oh wife of Jeroboam, tell your husband that his heresies have so angered God that It will smite every male in his family! Dogs and birds shall pick their corpses. Moreover, the ill child will die as soon as you step foot in Tirzah!

When Jeroboam died, his son Nadab ascended the throne.

I Kings 8

When the Temple was completed, Solomon held a long and elaborate ceremony to install the Ark of the Covenant in the sanctum sanctorum. During this ceremony, Solomon made an elaborate prayer in which he asked God to always forgive the Hebrews when they sinned or cheated on God, if they repented because It was that sort of awesome, omnipotent deity.

I Samuel 21: David Tricks a Priest

So David fled to Nob. Ahimelech the priest was a little freaked out that David showed up without a retinue, but David assured him that he was on a secret mission for Saul and that the other soldiers were nearby. He asked Ahimelech to give him some food and a weapon. Ahimelech was all, well the only food here is the day old bread for God from yesterday, but you guys can’t eat that unless you are all clean from women.

David was all, me and the young men are always clean when we go on a campaign. So Ahimelech gave him five loaves of holy bread.  Then David was all, And how about a weapon?  Ahimelech was all, well the only weapon is Goliath’s sword that you gave to the Tabernacle.  David was all, That’ll do. And took it and the bread and left.  Continue reading “I Samuel 21: David Tricks a Priest”

Deuteronomy 23: People Banned from the Sanctuary and other Rules

Moses was all, Oh, and men with damaged genitals are not allowed in the Sanctuary. Only real men in there.

Also, people descended from unions forbidden by these rules are not allowed in the Sanctuary, for ten generations.

And Moabites and Ammonites are never to be allowed in the Sanctuary because they hired Balaam to curse you. I mean, you killed all the men, but, you know, the ones descended from the women you all split up as plunder. Continue reading “Deuteronomy 23: People Banned from the Sanctuary and other Rules”

Deuteronomy 10

Still Moses continued, God wrote down Its most important rules on the stone tablets hidden in the Ark of the Covenant. They are the most holy relic inside the Sanctuary tent complex behind me. You should protect them with your lives, but remember that if an unauthorized person steps inside that tent, then he will die!

So obey all God’s rules and (I’m quoting here) “circumcise the foreskins of your hearts and be no longer stubborn.” God wants total submission.

Numbers 17

God was all, I’m really sick of this constant mutiny. Tell every tribe to have their chief’s name carved into a staff–Aaron’s should be on the Levites–and then bring all the staffs to the Tabernacle. The staff that blossoms is the rightful supreme leader of the Hebrews.

So everyone did and, behold, Aaron’s staff bloomed. Then his staff was put in the Tabernacle as a reminder to everyone that God chose him to the be supreme leader.

No one was really happy, but they were all, what the fuck are we supposed to do? God keeps killing people! Man, I’m afraid for my  life!