Isaiah shouted, I see a man, coming from Edom way! His clothes are all spattered with red, so I ask him, What’s all that then? Were you treading grapes for wine? And he answers, Yeah, I tread on the winepress and made the sweetest wine–the blood of all those who had oppressed and wronged me. Today is the day of my vengeance! I have trampled the brains of my enemies and the ground has drunk their blood!
Isaiah continued, Surely our God is kind! It does so many things for us! It redeems us and punishes our enemies, those who oppress and wrong us! I know things have been bad lately, but that’s because you all forgot God and didn’t worship It like It wanted, like Abraham and Moses did.
Rejoice, oh chosen of God
because It promised to love us always.
It made a deal with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
It led them into Egypt’s blaze
and, through Moses, back out again!
Upon the Egyptians It smote
plague upon plague
until the Nile itself did bloat
with carcasses and cadavers.
It permitted the Israelites to take
all the riches found in Pharaoh’s land.
Fed them with manna and from the rock their thirst did slake.
Wherein is listed all important males born since Adam to Abraham. I guess its by guestimating the generations from lists like this and the following chapters that we get that mythical 6,000 years from?
Abraham didn’t want Isaac to marry one of the local girls, but someone from Abraham’s homeland. Since Abraham was too old to make the trip back home, he called his head servant to him and made him swear to find a nice relative for Isaac to marry. So the servant put his hand under Abraham’s thigh (or maybe grabbed his balls?) and swore he’d do his best. Then the servant asked if he should take Isaac with him so that the boy could pick out his own bride, but Abraham, was like Lord no! Don’t take my son into that hellhole!
So the servant got a caravan together and headed back toward Ur where Abraham’s brother Nahor lived. Now this servant didn’t want to put a lot of effort into finding a wife for Isaac, so he made a vow that the first unattached girl who gave him a drink and offered to water his camels would be the girl for Isaac. Luckily for Isaac, the first woman was a pretty virgin named Rebekah. The servant thought, so far, so good, then asked the girl, miss, who’s your father? Would he let me and the caravan rest for a couple of days, and she was like oh, this is Nahor’s camp. He’s my grandpa, I’m sure he’ll let you stay! The servant was all yessss! to himself, and gave her a golden nosering and some golden bangles. She ran home to show her mom. Continue reading “Genesis 24: Isaac and Rebekah”
When Sarah died, Abraham was completely distraught because he really loved her. So he negotiates with the locals and buys the cave of Machpelah from Ephram the Hittite for 400 shekels of silver to use as her tomb.
God is a totally twisted sick fuck, and decides that, since Abraham was willing to send away Ishmael to likely death, It would see what he would be willing to do to Isaac. So God tells Abraham to take Isaac off to the mountains and offer him as a burnt sacrifice. And Abraham, who is obviously suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, says, ok God, will do. He loads up a donkey with firewood and he and Isaac go off to the wilderness. He tells Isaac that they are going camping to offer burnt sacrifices to God. Isaac’s all, but where’s the lamb or kid, Dad? and Abraham is all, it’ll be there, don’t worry. When they get to the campsite, Isaac helps Abraham build the altar and starts looking around for the goat. About that time, Abraham sneaks up on his son and ties him up. Then he tosses Isaac on top of the firewood and gets out his knife. Just as he’s about to slit Isaac’s throat, an angel grabs his arm and is all, Stop! You’ve passed the test for being blindly devoted God. Don’t kill your kid, kill that ram that just magically appeared over there. Hey, Isaac, sorry for the scare, man, but since your dad was willing to kill you, God’ll make sure you have lots of sons that inherit this land, k? We all good?
Finally, Sarah got pregnant. God and Abraham were soooo happy, but Sarah was all, everyone’s going to make fun of me for being old and pregnant. Her predication came true, because a few years later, she caught Hagar making fun of her at during Isaac’s birthday party. This was the final straw for Sarah, and she told Abraham that he needed to get Hagar out of the camp before she literally killed her. Abraham was at a loss, because he knew Sarah was crazy enough to do it, but that was his son, he couldn’t just abandon him, and Hagar wasn’t really that bad. However, God came and told him to go ahead and cast Hagar out, because everything would be ok. Continue reading “Genesis 21”
Now this particular story seems to be out of chronological order, because it seems to take place early in Abraham’s sojourn in the Negev, and Sarah is still young and totally hot in it. Anyway, Abraham goes to Gerar, and tells Sarah to pretend to be just his sister so he could pimp her out for a better deal. King Abimelech takes the bait, telling Abraham he’ll give him all kinds of stuff in exchange for Sarah. Unfortunately for King Abimelech, God comes and tells him that Sarah is Abraham’s wife and that It’d smite him if he ever tried to tap that ass. The next day, King Abimelech goes to Abraham and is all, what gives bro? And Abraham is all, but she is my sister, she’s just my wife too. Then Abimelech is all, whatever, no harm no foul. Just take your sister, wife whatever and go live over there in that part of the wilderness. And God is happy about this arrangement and made sure everything got pregnant.
One day three angels in disguise stop by Abraham’s camp on their way to smite Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham treats them really well, so they repeat God’s promise that Sarah would get pregnant. Sarah overhears them and starts laughing her ass off, which pisses God off.
The angels (or God) then tell Abraham about Its plan to smite Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham is pretty appalled that God is just going to destroy two cities and everyone in them and tries to talk God out of it. God relents a little bit and promises that if It can find at least ten righteous men, It won’t go through with the smiting.
This is the chapter in which God decides to change Abraham and Sarah’s names. I guess It didn’t like their old ones anymore. This is also the chapter in which God decides It really doesn’t like the foreskin and that all Its dolls needed to cut that icky bit of skin off from now on. So God again tells Abraham that his descendants will own all the land thereabouts, only this time in order to earn it, Abraham and all his men and all of their male descendants need to slice off that wee bit of skin. God also promises Abraham that Sarah will have a son that It will really really like, even though Sarah is going through menopause. Abraham’s rightly worried about his actual son Ishmael, but God blows him off with a promise that Ishmael would be blessed too.