Jeremiah 15: Pestilence, famine, and war

God was all, Look, I don’t care if Samuel, or even Moses himself, stood before me and plead for mercy for Judah. I’d tell them to go suck an egg. I’m going to destroy Judah with pestilence, famine, and war.

Jeremiah lamented, Woe is me! I wish I had never been born! Everybody hates me! They curse me and abuse me! When I tell them your message, they’ll probably try to kill me!

God was all, What are you whining about now? Who cares if those jerks hate you? I don’t and that’s what matters. I’ll make sure they don’t kill you.

Isaiah 24: The whole world is doomed

Sometimes Isaiah preached doom for everyone. He’d say, God’s going to destroy the world! Everyone will suffer and die! Priest and atheist, business owner and worker, trophy wife and whore, banker and bankrupt–all will die! Humans will defile the earth and make it uninhabitable! The earth will wither and die! People will burn! And there will be earthquakes that topple buildings. The few humans who survive will huddle together in fear! There will be no merrymaking. All the wine will be drunk and no grapes will grow! All the beer will be skunky or will be so bitter with hops that no one can drink it! The cities will be wastelands. No one will ever invite guests over, even just for dinner !

Isaiah 19: Egypt’s fate

Isaiah prophesied, Egypt will erupt into civil war! From the rubble, a mighty dictator will rise up and quell the land. But drought will cause famine. The economy will be in shambles! The leaders will make stupid decisions that will further destroy the country! The the Egyptians will lose heart and become cowardly, so when Judah attacks, it will terrify them! Judah will colonize five Egyptian cities and there will Hebrew be spoken and God be worshiped. From these strongholds, all Egypt will be converted to the Hebrew God! In that glorious time, the economy will recover and there will be a prosperous trade triangle between Assyria, Egypt and Judah! Everyone will be happy!

Isaiah 3: Isaiah says God doesn’t like slutty women either

God will make food and water scarce–and God will make good leaders even scarcer! There will be no wise  men, no prophets. No leaders and no generals. Good men asked to lead will refuse. Instead callow boys and women will lead you! Laws will be overturned. Everyone will be rude. Justice will be perverted. Dogs will snuggle with cats!

God is particularly scandalized by these modern women! They are so snobby and slutty! So God will cover their beauty with scabs! It will take away their finery–their bracelets and anklets, their earrings and nose rings, their necklaces and headbands! Even their perfumes and fancy clothes and mink stoles and expensive handbags. Their hats and scarves and hosiery. All of it will be gone! And God will replace it with rags and stench! God will let everyone see their pu…their lady parts!

Nehemiah 5: My generosity

Soon after work on the wall commenced, many poor families came to me as their new governor, lamenting that they had been forced to mortgage their fields and homes during a famine at interest, and now their creditors were demanding that they sell their children into slavery to pay on the debts.

When I learned these creditors were Jewish, I waxed wroth. Does not the holy writ say no interest shall be laid upon loans between sons of Israel? So I called together all the nobles and officials and sorely I chided them for their ungodly usury until they hid their faces in shame. They vowed to return all that had been mortgage forthwith.

My generosity as governor was so great that during the 12 years I ruled, not once did I demand the food allowance with which other governors had taxed the people. Moreover, I held a feast each day, prepared at mine own expense, to which I invited no less than 150 men.

II Kings 8

Elisha warned the wealthy woman in Shumen about the long famine mentioned earlier before it happened so that she and her family could emigrate. They spent the seven years of the famine in Philistia and when it was over, Elisha made sure the king gave them back their land.

Elisha’s travels took him to Damascus and there King Ben-hadad lay ill, so he sent his servant Hazael to inquire of Elisha about his chances of recovery. Elisha was all, tell him he’ll get better. I mean, he’ll die, but tell him anyway. Then he stared at Hazael a long time. Just as Hazael was getting really uncomfortable, Elisha burst into tears. At this, Hazael was completely taken aback, and was all, What’s wrong with you?

Elisha was all, I can foresee all the horrors you will rain upon Israel–the young men slaughtered, the cities burned, the brains of the babies dashed upon rocks, the eviscerated abdomens of pregnant women. Hazael was all, Wait, what? Elisha continued, For God has shown me that you will be king of Syria!  Continue reading “II Kings 8”

II Kings 6: More about Elisha

This other time Elisha made a lost ax-head float to keep the guy who borrowed it from distress.

Another time, when the Syrians were making war on Israel, Elisha kept giving the king of Israel such good advice to circumvent the Syrians that the Syrian king began to suspect a spy in his camp. But his followers convinced him that it was because Elisha was such an awesome prophet that nothing was hidden from him. So the Syrian king sent a troop to besiege Elisha in Dothan, where he was staying. Everyone but Elisha was freaked out about this, because he knew he was guarded by an invisible army of angels driving chariots of fire. Then Elisha struck the Syrians with temporary blindness and idiocy and led them into the heart of Samaria. The king of Israel offered to kill them all, but Elisha was all, Let them go this time. So peace between Syria and Israel was made.

Another time the Syrians were besieging Samaria, and it had gone on so long that they had run out of food and people were making a fortune selling donkey heads and dove dung to desperate people to eat. One evening, while the king of Israel was walking the ramparts, worrying at the troops at his gate, a woman came up to him and threw herself at his feet and begged for his help, because her neighbor was cheating her! They had agreed share and eat their babies, and yesterday they had eaten her baby, but today, her neighbor wouldn’t produce her baby! This upset the king pretty badly, and in anger, he sent for Elisha, to kill him for not helping end the famine.

II Kings 4: Elisha does more things

One day a widow whose husband had been a follower of Elisha came to him and was all, my husband left me badly in debt, and now the creditors are threatening to take my sons to sell into slavery for it! What should I do?!

Elisha was all, well, what do you have in your house? And the woman was all, Nothing! It’s all been sold! Well, except for a jug of oil. Then Elisha was all, Ok, go borrow as many vessels as you can, and fill them all with oil and then sell it and pay your debts!

Another time, during this bad famine that we’ll learn more about later, Elisha was visiting Gilgal and his servant Gehazi was making stew. One of Elisha’s followers went out to gather herbs and he saw some likely gourds that he put in too. Unfortunately, they were poisonous; however, Elisha miraculously purified it with some flour.  Continue reading “II Kings 4: Elisha does more things”

I Kings 18: Elijah ends the drought and gets some people dead

The famine and drought were terrible. After three years there wasn’t even enough weeds or scrub brush to feed the livestock. Ahab and his head bureaucrat Obadiah decided to divide the land to scour it for any vegetation to sustain at least some of the animals.

On his journey, Obadiah met Elijah who was coming to confront Ahab again. Elijah was all, Go inform your master that I have come.

But Obadiah was all, What! Why do you want me dead? Don’t you know that I’m the guy who hid and sheltered, like, 100 prophets when Jezebel was on the warpath looking for you? Yeah, I mean she killed like all the prophets, but I saved as many as I could for as long as I could. Now you want me to go tell Ahab that I’ve found you? What if God whisks you away in the meantime? He’ll totally kill me.

Elijah answered, Never fear, my good man. God will do no such thing. Go inform Ahab!  Continue reading “I Kings 18: Elijah ends the drought and gets some people dead”