Amos 4: We’re being punished

So listen up you lazy cows who sit around demanding your slaves wait on you! God’s pissed. And It plans on casting you out, so you had better repent and offer some scacrifices.

It’s amazing that you guys haven’t figured it out yet. I mean, half of you are starving to death and still haven’t repented. This drought? It’s a punishment from God. The blights that have destroyed several harvests over the past several years? Punishments from God. And the all the wars and the defeats we’ve suffered? Punishments from God! But nothing’s worked and still you sin on, so now God, the creator of the world, is going to take you out of it!

Joel 1: Another prophet

At some point, before both kingdoms fell, this dude named Joel ben Pethuel had a few messages from God to give to the elders:

Be said, alcoholics, because the wine has run out! The foreign invaders are like locusts. Locusts eat everything! They’re like a lioness with way too many teeth.  Everyone needs to cry like women! You better beg God and tell it you’re sorry. Between the invading army and the drought, we’re all fucked!

Ezekiel 12: The wall

Another time, God spoke to me, Human, none of your fellow humans listen, so I want you to do this. Pack a bag like you are going into exile again and set it outside your door in the morning so everyone will see it.  Then, in the evening, dig a hole through the city wall and leave through it.

So I packed my bag and set it outside, and soon, people started asking if I was going on a trip or moving, but I just shrugged. But when I started digging a hole through the city wall, people really came to stare. They were all, What are you doing? Are you crazy? Is he crazy? Should we call the guards? Why didn’t he just leave through that gate there earlier? I mean, his bag’s been packed all dally. Must be crazy, right? Continue reading “Ezekiel 12: The wall”

Jeremiah 15: Pestilence, famine, and war

God was all, Look, I don’t care if Samuel, or even Moses himself, stood before me and plead for mercy for Judah. I’d tell them to go suck an egg. I’m going to destroy Judah with pestilence, famine, and war.

Jeremiah lamented, Woe is me! I wish I had never been born! Everybody hates me! They curse me and abuse me! When I tell them your message, they’ll probably try to kill me!

God was all, What are you whining about now? Who cares if those jerks hate you? I don’t and that’s what matters. I’ll make sure they don’t kill you.

Isaiah 24: The whole world is doomed

Sometimes Isaiah preached doom for everyone. He’d say, God’s going to destroy the world! Everyone will suffer and die! Priest and atheist, business owner and worker, trophy wife and whore, banker and bankrupt–all will die! Humans will defile the earth and make it uninhabitable! The earth will wither and die! People will burn! And there will be earthquakes that topple buildings. The few humans who survive will huddle together in fear! There will be no merrymaking. All the wine will be drunk and no grapes will grow! All the beer will be skunky or will be so bitter with hops that no one can drink it! The cities will be wastelands. No one will ever invite guests over, even just for dinner !

Isaiah 19: Egypt’s fate

Isaiah prophesied, Egypt will erupt into civil war! From the rubble, a mighty dictator will rise up and quell the land. But drought will cause famine. The economy will be in shambles! The leaders will make stupid decisions that will further destroy the country! The the Egyptians will lose heart and become cowardly, so when Judah attacks, it will terrify them! Judah will colonize five Egyptian cities and there will Hebrew be spoken and God be worshiped. From these strongholds, all Egypt will be converted to the Hebrew God! In that glorious time, the economy will recover and there will be a prosperous trade triangle between Assyria, Egypt and Judah! Everyone will be happy!

Isaiah 3: Isaiah says God doesn’t like slutty women either

God will make food and water scarce–and God will make good leaders even scarcer! There will be no wise  men, no prophets. No leaders and no generals. Good men asked to lead will refuse. Instead callow boys and women will lead you! Laws will be overturned. Everyone will be rude. Justice will be perverted. Dogs will snuggle with cats!

God is particularly scandalized by these modern women! They are so snobby and slutty! So God will cover their beauty with scabs! It will take away their finery–their bracelets and anklets, their earrings and nose rings, their necklaces and headbands! Even their perfumes and fancy clothes and mink stoles and expensive handbags. Their hats and scarves and hosiery. All of it will be gone! And God will replace it with rags and stench! God will let everyone see their pu…their lady parts!

Nehemiah 5: My generosity

Soon after work on the wall commenced, many poor families came to me as their new governor, lamenting that they had been forced to mortgage their fields and homes during a famine at interest, and now their creditors were demanding that they sell their children into slavery to pay on the debts.

When I learned these creditors were Jewish, I waxed wroth. Does not the holy writ say no interest shall be laid upon loans between sons of Israel? So I called together all the nobles and officials and sorely I chided them for their ungodly usury until they hid their faces in shame. They vowed to return all that had been mortgage forthwith.

My generosity as governor was so great that during the 12 years I ruled, not once did I demand the food allowance with which other governors had taxed the people. Moreover, I held a feast each day, prepared at mine own expense, to which I invited no less than 150 men.

II Kings 8

Elisha warned the wealthy woman in Shumen about the long famine mentioned earlier before it happened so that she and her family could emigrate. They spent the seven years of the famine in Philistia and when it was over, Elisha made sure the king gave them back their land.

Elisha’s travels took him to Damascus and there King Ben-hadad lay ill, so he sent his servant Hazael to inquire of Elisha about his chances of recovery. Elisha was all, tell him he’ll get better. I mean, he’ll die, but tell him anyway. Then he stared at Hazael a long time. Just as Hazael was getting really uncomfortable, Elisha burst into tears. At this, Hazael was completely taken aback, and was all, What’s wrong with you?

Elisha was all, I can foresee all the horrors you will rain upon Israel–the young men slaughtered, the cities burned, the brains of the babies dashed upon rocks, the eviscerated abdomens of pregnant women. Hazael was all, Wait, what? Elisha continued, For God has shown me that you will be king of Syria!  Continue reading “II Kings 8”