Matthew 10: Entourage

Jesus’s entourage was made up of 12 of his closest groupies: Rocky, Andrew, James ben Zebedee, John ben Zebedee, Philip, Bart, Thomas, Matthew the taxman, James ben Alphaeus, Thaddeus, Simon the Zealot, and Judas Iscariot. Now to these his closest groupies, Jesus taught them how to heal people and exorcise demons, and then he sent them out to travel the lands, healing and spreading the message, saying,

Never take any payments or gifts, other than food and shelter from a likely mark.  But be prepared, because a lot of people WILL abuse you or beat you or call the cops on you. Suffer through it the best you can and when you get a chance, flee to the next town and hope they treat you better. But whatever you do, don’t stop preaching and healing and the rest, like I’ve told you! All they can do is kill you. And I promise, those towns that don’t treat you right will make Sodom and Gomorrah will look like paradise when I come around!

Some of you look shocked. Don’t be! Even if I’m pretty chill most of the time, remember that I haven’t come in peace. No! I’ve come to punish all the unworthy assholes who don’t believe. Even if that means tearing families apart. But also remember that the people who treat you good and believe you will be rewarded!


Zephaniah 2: Everybody’s going down

Zephaniah continued, And God’s not just gonna take down Judah. No. Not hardly. God is going to take down every nation that has ever had a beef with Judah. See, It might be mad at the Hebrews, but they’re still Its people, and Its got their backs. So any nation that ever went to war with Judah, or even scoffed at it or made fun of it, is going down. Gaza will be a wasteland, and the destruction of Philistia, Canaan, Moab, Ammon, Cush, and, yes Assyria, will make what It did to Sodom and Gomorrah look like a party!

Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning

Another time God said to me, Human, let me explain my disgust and anger at Jerusalem in terms you might be able to understand, in human terms. Imagine Jerusalem is a woman, my wife even. Now, imagine that the first time I met her she was just a newborn–like just born, because I found her in a dumpster with her umbilical cord still attached because her unwed mother was ashamed of her half-breed bastard and threw her away. But I felt sorry for the mewling thing and took her out of the trash and cleaned her up and found her a loving foster home.

Later, when she was a pubertal teenager, I saw her budding breasts and the curling hair sprouting on her vulva, and I thought, that’s a flower I’d like to pluck, but I waited a few years, until she was ready for love. And when I fucked her did I just leave her? No! I helped her wipe the blood off and even massaged fragrant oil into the sore places. Then I married her! I gave her beautiful clothes and expensive jewelry. I fed her lobster and champagne whenever she wanted. She was a queen! And when Jerusalem lorded it over my exes, Sodom and Samaria, I said nothing.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 16: Trigger warning”

Jeremiah 50: Babylon too

And lo, after Babylon finishes destroying all the other nations that God is mad at, it too will be destroyed! For lo, God is mad at it, for the violence it has perpetrated at God’s will and because it worships other gods like Marduk and Bel! The destruction of Babylon will make that of Sodom and Gomorrah look like a cake walk! And in that time, God will forgive the Jews and give them back the Promised Land.

Isaiah 13: Prophecy against Babylon

Isaiah prophesied that one day Babylon would burn and everyone inside would writhe in terror, like a woman in labor before anesthetic was invented. On that day, the sun will darken! The moon will disappear! People will scatter and be hunted down like rats! Rats! Invaders will loot houses! Implacable, they will rape the Babylonian women and smash Babylonian babies’ heads in! Babylon will be razed like Sodom and Gomorrah. It will never be inhabited again!

Isaiah 1: Meet Isaiah

Isaiah was a prophet under four kings of Judah, Uzziah/AzariahJothan, Ahaz, and Hezekiah. So basically, he was that guy who stands on the street corner and yells at everyone passing by about how they’re going to hell and how the world is going to end for over 50 years.  This is a collection of his prophecies.

Isaiah preached that God told him that Judah was doomed. Doomed! For the usual stuff–the people had forsaken It, etc. Isaiah would stand there and tell anyone who would listen, and the empty air, when no one would, that God was going to burn Judah with fire and then let foreigners come in and rule it.

This land is Sodom and Gomorrah, Isaiah would yell. You are such sinners that God no longer accepts your sacrifices! It turns Its nose up at the smell of the burning bull and goat, at your incense! Repent, ye sinners!

Jerusalem is a whore, open to all comers! Isaiah ranted. It’s filled with murders and rebels. Everyone is greedy and oppress the poor! God will punish the city. It will burn out the wicked and restore the city’s righteousness.

Genesis 19: Sodom, Gomorrah and Lot and his Daughters

The angels then proceed onto Sodom, to check out things in preparation for smiting. When Lot sees them in the town square, looking around, he invites them to his house for the night. After dinner, while Lot’s in the process of settling his guests for the night, a mob of dudes come, no doubt drunkenly, banging on Lot’s door, yelling for them to send out his guests because they wanna fuck ’em. Lot eases out the door and tries to talk some sense into this violent mob of men who view sex as a right that they can inflict on anyone they see as lesser. Lot’s all, hey guys, right, those men, yes, yes, they’re hot and they owe, sure whatever, but, guys, hey hey, that’s not cool guys, we can’t just rape everyone that comes to town that we think is hot. That’s not cool, guys. That’s a dick move that violates ancient customs of hospitality. That’s the kind of move that pisses God off. But hey, you guys are horny and all riled up, I get it, I really do. But you can’t rape those guys. I know you gotta rape, but not them, see? But hey guys, hey, I got two virgin daughters. How ’bout you rape them instead? I’ll go get ’em for you and everything. And I won’t expect any payment, guys I promise. Rape them all you want, k? Continue reading “Genesis 19: Sodom, Gomorrah and Lot and his Daughters”

Genesis 18

One day three angels in disguise stop by Abraham’s camp on their way to smite Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham treats them really well, so they repeat God’s promise that Sarah would get pregnant. Sarah overhears them and starts laughing her ass off, which pisses God off.

The angels (or God) then tell Abraham about Its plan to smite Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham is pretty appalled that God is just going to destroy two cities and everyone in them and tries to talk God out of it. God relents a little bit and promises that if It can find at least ten righteous men, It won’t go through with the smiting.

Genesis 14

Some time later, power shifted in the region, as it no doubt did with some frequency during an era in which humans lived in small semi-nomadic, familial bands that competed for scarce resources. During this particular power struggle, Lot and his family, who had settled in Sodom, get taken captive by an alliance of other tribal kings. When Abraham hears about it, he rallies his men and goes to the rescue, routing the enemy and rescuing not only Lot, but everyone from Sodom and Gomorrah. Those kings were like, please take all our stuff, we’re just so happy you saved us, but Abraham was all, nah man, it’s all good, and then they all parted as friends.