Judges 8: The Fight Continues

When Gideon caught up, the Ephraimites were pissed and were all, ¬†What gives, cuz! Why didn’t you call us out before Asher and Naphtali! We’re both tribe of Joseph, yo! Gideon was all, chill out man! Who cares who I called? You guys killed Oreb and Zeeb! That’s freaking awesome! Nothing I’ve done can compare with that. So the Ephraimites were appeased.

Then Gideon and his band kept up their pursuit. Exhausted, they stopped at Succoth and asked for provisions. The leaders of Succoth were all, Pshah. Why should we help you? What have you done? Ask for something when you deserve it. Gideon was all, fine. But after I catch the Midianite kings, I’ll be back, and I’ll flay you alive with brambles. Then he and his men traveled on the Penuel, asked for provisions, were again refused, and again threatened retribution. Continue reading “Judges 8: The Fight Continues”

Judges 7: Gideon and his Band

As the armies were gathering to fight, Gideon Baal-Fighter went walking along Harod Spring. There God talked to him and was all, look man, you’ve got too many fighters. I know I told you to rally the troops, Gideon, but c’mon! How will anybody attribute your victory to a miracle by me with these thousands of troops? You got to get rid of ’em.

So Gideon went back and harangued the troops and told anyone afraid to go on home. So about 20,000 men left and went back home.

But God was all, 10,000 are still too many, Gideon. I know. Bring everyone down here to the creek and watch them drink. The ones that drink by lapping like a dog are the ones to take with you. Send the ones that kneel and drink with their hands home. Continue reading “Judges 7: Gideon and his Band”

Judges 6: The Ascension of Gideon

Eventually Midianite and Amalekite bands created strongholds in the mountains from which they would raid Hebrew cities and towns, stealing crops and livestock, burning fields and houses. This went on for years, crippling Israel with hunger and loss. Around this time a new prophet arose to remind everyone that all this misery was really their own fault for straying from the God that led them out of Egypt, and if they wanted relief they better start praying and obeying.

So God heard the plaints and sent an angel down who went and sat near where a young man named Gideon was threshing grain in a wine press to hide it from the raiders. After awhile, the angel was all, hey there, big guy, God is with you. Gideon was all, what God? If there’s a God why has It forsaken us to the Midianites? Where are Its miracles? Then the angel was all, why don’t you do something about it, tough guy? Why don’t you save Israel? Gideon was all, what?! What can I do? I’m a poor kid from the poorest clan in Manasseh. The angel was all, with God, you can do anything. Gideon was all, if you’re from God, prove it. Stay right here while I go get you some food and we’ll talk some more. Continue reading “Judges 6: The Ascension of Gideon”