Genesis 3: Garden of Eden

Then this serpent, who might be another god (let’s call It Satan), decided to fuck with God’s dolls.┬áSo Satan goes to the girl doll and is all like, hey you see that tree over there? It’s an awesome tree. The fruit is dope and it will make you smart. Like, you could be a real girl and not just a doll if you ate some. So she and the boy doll ate some of the fruit. Then they probably made it, but afterwards, they felt bad about eating the fruit and screwing, so they invented clothes. They knew they were in trouble, so they hid the next time God showed up to play with them. When God found them, they were all like, um that serpent guy, he made us do it, and that’s why snakes have no legs or something. Continue reading “Genesis 3: Garden of Eden”

Genesis 2

After doing all that God was tired and took a break. Then It decided to make two special trees that grew supernatural fruit–the Tree of Knowledge and the Tree of Life and It put them in the nicest place on earth, somewhere in the middle of Mesopotamia.

In this chapter, God had only made one doll, a boy doll, earlier (even though that’s not what it said in the last chapter, but whatever, and Its boy doll was lonely, so It made him a girl doll to play with. ┬áThen it put the dolls in the middle of the Garden with the trees and told them to play with everything and eat everything, but not to touch those two trees or It would get really really mad.

Genesis 1: Creation

In the beginning, the singularity that we theorize to have existed before the Big Bang, well, banged or whatever, and began spiraling out as the universe. And God or whatever made the bang bang took an extreme interest in our solar system. It took extra special care forming the sun, the moon, and the earth. Especially the earth. The blue planet started out all covered with water, so God caused volcanoes to erupt and made land. Slowly simple life forms in the oceans evolved into complex multi-cellular creatures that eventually evolved into plants and animals that could survive on land. Then God (we’ll call It God for convenience sake, and capitalize it because that’s Its name in this story), anyway God got bored with all that and decided to make dolls that looked like It to play with in this world It claimed to have created. So It took some dirt and made a boy doll and a girl doll.