Matthew 13: Parables

Later, Jesus went for a walk along the beach, but crowds started following him. So he hopped in a boat and rowed out from the shore, but the crowd just kept growing. He shrugged and, while his groupies manned the boat, started telling stories to everyone on the beach:

This dude decided to sow some seeds and he just scattered them everywhere. Some got eaten by birds, others landed in rocks and didn’t grow, and some landed in thick weeds and were choked out. Only the seeds that landed on good soil actually grew. Get it? Everyone might hear me speak, but shallow people won’t take it to heart and people too worried about life won’t listen. It’s only the rare listener whose heart is like good soil.

So this other dude sowed seeds in only good, tilled soil, but while he was asleep this asshole who hated him snuck into the field and sowed a bunch of weeds. When things started growing, the field hands asked if they should weed, but the farmer was all, No, just let everything grow together and when it’s harvest time, we’ll pull and burn the weeds before we harvest the wheat. I’m like that farmer and the devil is my asshole enemy! The harvest is the end of the world and the angels will reap the good and burn the sinners!  Continue reading “Matthew 13: Parables”

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Matthew 10: Entourage

Jesus’s entourage was made up of 12 of his closest groupies: Rocky, Andrew, James ben Zebedee, John ben Zebedee, Philip, Bart, Thomas, Matthew the taxman, James ben Alphaeus, Thaddeus, Simon the Zealot, and Judas Iscariot. Now to these his closest groupies, Jesus taught them how to heal people and exorcise demons, and then he sent them out to travel the lands, healing and spreading the message, saying,

Never take any payments or gifts, other than food and shelter from a likely mark.  But be prepared, because a lot of people WILL abuse you or beat you or call the cops on you. Suffer through it the best you can and when you get a chance, flee to the next town and hope they treat you better. But whatever you do, don’t stop preaching and healing and the rest, like I’ve told you! All they can do is kill you. And I promise, those towns that don’t treat you right will make Sodom and Gomorrah will look like paradise when I come around!

Some of you look shocked. Don’t be! Even if I’m pretty chill most of the time, remember that I haven’t come in peace. No! I’ve come to punish all the unworthy assholes who don’t believe. Even if that means tearing families apart. But also remember that the people who treat you good and believe you will be rewarded!

 

Matthew 7: Pearls before swine

Jesus continued, So I also have some ideas about living the good life. Changes in your mindset really, that will make you happier, or at least less stressed about shit you have no control over. First, do unto others and all that! Treat people with dignity and respect and kindness and shit. You know, the way you want to be treated. If everyone just did that, the world would be a better place.

Second, stop trying to fix other people’s problems and failures and work on your own! When you judge other people but ignore your own failures, you’re just a hypocrite, man.

Don’t be afraid to ask for shit you need. God will provide. And if it looks like God didn’t, that’s just because you can’t, like, understand the mind of Dad. But, like, don’t do stupid shit and then wonder why it fails! God’s not gonna bend the laws of physics for you at a whim. If you build a house on a beach, chances are it’s gonna get washed away in a hurricane. You need high ground and a good foundation! Take that metaphor and live it! Continue reading “Matthew 7: Pearls before swine”

Matthew 6: Live for today

Jesus continued, So you need to try to follow all these rules, but when you do, it’s really really important to live your religion quietly and humbly! Don’t toot your own horn. Give charity anonymously. Pray silently and mostly when you’re alone. No one needs to see you praying and shit. Same with fasting. Just fast and shut up about it instead of whining about how hungry you are. No one cares. People who are ostentatious in their religion and doing it for attention, not for God.

And when you pray, don’t pray for fancy chariots and fame. Pray for support to get you through your daily lives, for forgiveness for all the small harms you cause, for clarity about the moral path of life.

For that matter, don’t live you life trying to hoard money and things. Possessions are just, stuff, man. They add no intrinsic value to your life. And like, you can’t serve two masters. You gotta choose between God and money, man.

I know the thought of not caring about money freaks a lot of you out. But you’re just worrying about stuff. About an abstraction! Look around at the birds! At the flowers! Do they worry about money? No! They just, like, live. Just live like them. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Live for today. God will provide!

Matthew 5: Sermon on the Mount

Again, because there wasn’t any television or movies or even radio, street preachers were everyone’s favorite cheap entertainment. Jesus was always a popular draw when he came to town. This one time, the crowd was so large that Jesus was worried the people in the back wouldn’t be able to hear him, since microphones hadn’t been invented either. So he climbed up a mountain and found a nice cliff to stand on so that everyone could see him and his voice would echo out. Then he began laying down some controversial opinions, the Be-Attitudes:

  • Depressed, low-spirited folk deserve love too, from Da–er–God, if not from humans.
  • Humble people might get railroaded, but they’ll eventually get theirs.
  • People who fight for justice will eventually see it served; however, it’s best to be merciful if you also want to be forgiven when you fuck up.
  • Be pure and good and love peace because the world is what you make it.
  • God will bless and reward anyone who gets persecuted or punished for following me or for spreading my opinions. I promise! And this is why.  You are the salt of the world and salty snacks are good! And you are cities on hills that everyone can see!
  • Anger is just as bad as murder and God will never listen to you or accept your offerings if you holding any grudges when you pray.
  • Getting revenge is also bad. Just forgive and move on. Plus, bullies hate it when you don’t get mad or react or anything, especially if you act all righteous when you forgive them.
  • And it’s not enough to only love your family and friends. Love everyone! Even people who do you dirt. Cuz if Da–er–God made everything, then even shitty people were made by It. Who are you to question It’s plan? It’s perfect!
  • Lusting after someone is just as bad as cheating on your wife. It’s better to be castrated than to lust, just like it’s better to lose your hand than to steal.
  • And don’t think that divorce is the answer here. I don’t believe in divorce, so remarriage is still cheating.

I know it might seem like I’m making up new laws. I’m not. I’m just reinterpreting the old laws. In fact, I’m a fulfillment of all the laws and prophecies! So, like, follow me!

Zechariah 13: When Judah’s first

When Judah becomes the center of the world, the untouchable bastion of God–after the 2/3 of people who God doesn’t like are finally smited by It–well, in that day, there will be no more idol worship. Everyone will worship God. And there will be no more prophets. Anyone who claims to be a prophet will be lying! And will deserve immediate and painful death. Stone them! In fact, at that time, if someone does have visions, they will lie about them and keep them secret. Because in that day, God will punish any religious leader that tries to lead people from the one true path, as dictated by It.

Zechariah 12: Next time’ll be different

Zechariah told everyone that God told him that next time some other country tried to fuck with Judah or tried to besiege Jerusalem, things would go down different, yo. Next time, God would make all the enemy horses blind. Next time, God would make sure all the Jews received salvation first. All the other nations would be second. Or third. Or destroyed. And then, all the Jews will be really sad that their ancestors ever cheated on God or did It dirt, and everyone will go into mourning– the king and all his wives, the priests and all their wives, and every tribal leader and all their wives, etc. will seclude themselves with their families and mourn.

Zephaniah 3: Woe

Zephaniah declared, Woe to Jerusalem, that hotbed of corrupt politicians and religious leaders! God’s punishments are always just, so when It destroys a place, like it will Jerusalem, that place and its people deserve it! But one day, when everyone in the world speaks the same language, they will also turn to the one true God–the Hebrew God–and then the world will be perfect. There will be no more lies or corruption or greed or injustice! Then Jerusalem will be restored and will be the center of the world! So everyone rejoice that God will eventually raise you up, even if it first destroys you!

Ezekiel 22: The reasons why

God told me to judge Jerusalem and to list all the reasons why It was angry and had decided to destroy the city. So I announced to everyone, Jerusalem has been condemned to doom and destruction for these reasons:

  1. The people worship idols, practice polytheism, and all around cheat on God.
  2. The rules are violent and corrupt and the religious leaders find excuses for all of their misdeeds.
  3. Many people openly despise their parents.
  4. People generally treat foreigners badly and they don’t take care of poor women and children and other needy people.
  5. They break the Sabbath and bastardize the rituals God prefers.
  6. People lie and slander in order to incite violence.
  7. Did I mention they cheat on God? It especially dislikes the fertility rituals people commonly perform.
  8. Sons sleep with their fathers’ wives and girlfriends.
  9. Men sleep with women on their periods and that really grosses God out.
  10. Men also sleep with their friends’ wives–some even rape their daughters-in-laws and sisters.
  11. There are hitmen and goons who commit violence for money.
  12. People there loan money at interest and generally make profits from their neighbors’ work.

For these reasons God has decided to destroy Jerusalem and kill or scatter its people.