Jeremiah 26: More death threats

Around that time, on another occasion when Jeremiah was at the Temple telling everyone they were doomed, doomed! the priests and other folk had had enough. They seized on Jeremiah to put him to death for saying bad things about the city. So officials were called, to make it all above-board-like, and Jeremiah was all,  Y’all can kill me all you want, it doesn’t change anything. God still told me to tell you that It was pissed and going to kill you all! So the officials, especially this one cat named Ahikan, were all, Dude says he’s from God. It’d be a sin to kill him just because we don’t like God’s message. So the mob dispersed. Some were ok with decision, citing when Hezekiah didn’t kill Micah for his ill-omens. Others were pissy because King Jehoiakim had started a new trend, killing annoying negative prophets, like that other dude, Urich.

Esther 7: The trap is sprung

After enjoying this second repast, the king again asked his wife what it was she desired. Esther was all, If I have please my lord then grant me merely this–my life and the life of my people!

The king was all, Wha?!?!

Esther continued, If we had merely been sold into slavery, then I would have held my tongue, but we have been condemned to utter annihilation!

Ahasuerus was all, What on earth are you talking about, Esther? Who has done this?

Esther pointed at Haman, Him! This wicked Haman!  Continue reading “Esther 7: The trap is sprung”

II Chronicles 24

As we learned in II Kings 12, Joash instituted tax reforms to repair the Temple, but in his old age, he began to cheat on God, so his first cousin Zechariah prophesied against him. So he had Zechariah stoned to death. In retaliation, God let Syrian defeat Judah and plunder Jerusalem. Joash was badly wounded in this attack, so his servants too the opportunity to finish him off.

Joshua 7: Some Minor Setbacks

Then Joshua sent spies to check out the city of Ai, and they came back with the report that the city was weak and ripe for the picking. So Joshua sent a small force of 3,000 to take it, but instead, the army of Ai routed the Hebrews and killed thirty-six of them.

When Joshua heard, he tore his clothes and hair and everyone else threw dirt on their heads, and Joshua cried out to God, Why? Why God? You promised we would always win! Why?  God was all, because you guys broke the rules. Joshua was all, what? when?! How? God was all, not everything from Jericho was burned. Somebody took something, and I don’t like that. It all needs to burn and now the person who took the forbidden stuff needs to burn too. Him and his family and all his stuff. Joshua was, As you command, Lord. Continue reading “Joshua 7: Some Minor Setbacks”

Deuteronomy 21: Moses Gets Back in the Lawgiving Groove

Then Moses got back into his law giving mode for old times sake and explained that if a murdered body was found and no one was able to determine the culprit, then the elders of the city or town closest to where the body was found were to take a heifer into the wilderness, break its neck, wash their hands, and swear they had had nothing to do with the murder.

And if a man wants to “marry” a captive woman, then he takes her home, has her head shaved, her nails cut, and her clothes changed, and then tells her to mourn for her dead family for a month. After the month, if he still wants her, then she’s his, but if he doesn’t, then he has to let her go free. He was forbidden from selling her or enslaving her because he had humiliated her. Continue reading “Deuteronomy 21: Moses Gets Back in the Lawgiving Groove”

Deuteronomy 13

Moses was all, so there will be other prophets, but if someone comes along having premonitions or making prophecies, and they tell you to worship other gods, it doesn’t matter if their premonitions are true or not, execute them. And if your best friend, or your woman, or your kid starts trying to get you to worship other gods, set aside your feelings, and execute them too. And if you hear about some bum going around preaching about some other gods, seek him out and kill him. And if he managed to convince a city or town into following other gods, then kill all of them too, and their livestock, and burn that city to the ground.

Numbers 15

So one day while the Hebrews were out wandering around in the desert, some guy got caught gathering sticks on the Sabbath. The tattletales forced the man to go before Moses because they knew such activity was forbidden, but they didn’t know what they were supposed to do to malefactors. Moses was all, Come on guys, you should know this. We stone malefactors to death. Everyone was all, right on! and drug the man back outside of camp and threw rocks at him until he died.

After this, God called Moses to him and suggested that everyone should put tassels with blue cords on their clothes as little reminders about how important it was to always follow Its rules.

Leviticus 24

God was all, one last thing, Moses, before you go back down to camp. Remember to always keep the lamps in the tabernacle burning, and every Sabbath, you will need to offer twelve  loaves of bread and frankincense to me.

Then Moses headed back down to the camp to tell everybody about these new rules God just told him about.

Later, a half-Egyptian, half-Hebrew dude fought with a full-blooded Hebrew, and during the fight the half-breed cursed and blasphemed, so the horrified onlookers took him into custody for Moses to ask God what to do with him. So Moses went back to the tent of meeting to ask God, and God was all, Well duh! Didn’t we talk about this? Blasphemers should die. Tell everyone to stone him to death! I want you all to practice lex talionis!

And so it was done.