Matthew 8: Further adventures of Jesus

The sermon on the mount gained Jesus a bunch of groupies who began following him around, trying to get close to him and stuff. Some of them were concerned about being homeless, but Jesus was all, If it’s good enough for me, it’s good enough for you too!

Another guy wanted to leave to go to his dad’s funeral, but Jesus was all, Dude’s dead. You can mourn here as well as there, so you might as well stay.

One of the groupies was a leper, who threw himself at Jesus’ feet and was all, Heal me! So Jesus put his hand on the guy’s head and was all, You’re healed, but the magic won’t work if you talk to anyone before you present your cleansing offering at the Temple. So hurry!

Then, when he made it back home to Capernaum, a Roman centurion, who had heard of him, was all, Jesus, will you heal my sick servant?  Jesus was all, Sure, take me to him! But the centurion was all, I’m not worthy. Just say the word and it will happen, cuz you can order demons around like I order my men! Jesus was impressed by this faith in his abilities, and lo! the servant was healed.  Continue reading “Matthew 8: Further adventures of Jesus”

Job 2: The bet continues

The next time the angels checked in with God, God was all, See Satan, I told you my boy Job wouldn’t curse me. I won the bet!

Satan was all, Don’t do a victory dance yet, God. See, Job still has his health. Take that away, and I’m sure he’ll curse you.

God was all, You’re on!

So Satan caused Job to develop running pustules from head to toe. As he sat picking at his sores, his wife was all, You’re disgusting. Curse God and die already.

Then Job’s three best friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, came to console Job. They sat in silence for a long time.

II Chronicles 26

At the age of 16, Azariah inherited from his father Amaziah. As was told in II Kings 15: Game of thrones, the Divided Kingdom, although his reign was long, much of it he spent in confinement, stricken with leprosy.

It turns out that Uzziah, as he was also called, had several successful wars, with the Philistines, the Ammonites and others, and that other peoples paid him off to keep him from attacking him. All of this treasure enabled the king to go on a building and restoration spree, which generally improved the economy as well as his own popularity. All of this went to his head, and he tried to worship God without going through the proper Levite channels. Unfortunately, this pissed God off and that’s why he was became a leper.

II Kings 15: Game of thrones, the Divided Kingdom

Zechariah, the fourth generation of Jehu’s line, only reigned in Israel 6 months before Shallum murdered him and usurped the throne. Shallum only held the throne one month before Menahem murdered him and usurped the throne. Menahem was a brutal dude and not the sort to be murdered and usurped upon. He even sacked Israelite cities and murdered pregnant women by ripping open their bellies in his bid for power. Despite his penchant for violence, he avoided war with Assyria by levying a steep tax in the amount of 37.5 tons of silver, which he paid as tribute to the Assyrian king. He only lived ten years, however, and his son Pekahiah became king. He only ruled Israel 2 years before his general Pekah murdered him and usurped the throne. Pekah reigned 20 years; however he lost a lot of territory to King Tiglath-pilesar of Assyria. He, too, was murdered, by a follower named Hoshea, who then usurped the Israelite throne.

In Judah, things were a bit more stable. Azariah reigned 52 years. At some point, however, he was stricken with leprosy, so he had to live in isolation and confinement. His son Jothan acted as regent. Jothan became king of Judah in his own right during the second year of Pekah’s reign in Israel. Jothan ruled Israel 16 years, and his son Ahaz inherited the throne.


I’m out of town for a few days, so the exciting parade of kings will pick back up next week! 

II Kings 7: The siege ends

Elisha told the messenger to tell the king not to worry because by tomorrow food would be cheap and plentiful in Samaria. The messenger scoffed, so Elisha was all, Fine. You will see this miracle, but not eat of it.

Next morning, four lepers, who by law had to be homeless at the city wall, decided that they would go throw themselves on the mercy of the Syrians, since all they could do but die, and a quick death was better than starvation. But when they got to the camp, they found it deserted–as if all the humans had simply vanished. So the lepers ate and drank their fill and then started carting off and burying all the silver and gold they could find…but after a hour or so they started feeling a bit guilty…and when the disappearance of the Syrians was discovered, they would probably be punished for not telling anybody. They decided that they should better go spread they word. So they went and told the gatekeepers, who told somebody else, etc. until word made it to the king. The king was all, this is probably a trap, but he sent out some men on a couple of the remaining horses to scout for the Syrians. The scouts followed the Syrians trail of discarded items all the way to the Jordan, then rode back with the wonderful news that they were really and truly gone!

At this, people mobbed the camp like it was a mall on the day after Thanksgiving. In the stampede, the scoffing messenger was trampled to death.

As for the Syrians, God or Elisha or some bad rye made them hallucinate that they were being attacked by Egyptian or Hittite mercenaries, and so they fled for their lives.

II Kings 5: Elisha heals some guy

Naaman, the Syrian general, was also a leper. He happened to have a Hebrew slave girl, whom he had carried off during one of the numerous conflicts between Israel and Syria, who told him that the great prophet Elisha would be able to cure him of leprosy.

So Naaman traveled down to Samaria with a small fortune in gold, silver, and cloth, and a letter of introduction from they Syrian king to the king of Israel. The king of Israel was quite upset by all this–how was he to cure this man of leprosy? But Elisha sent a message telling the king to send Naaman on to him. So Naaman went to Elisha’s house, and Elisha sent Gehazi out to tell him to bathe in the Jordan seven times.

Naaman was pissed. He expected more courtesy from this prophet and more flash and dazzle than simply being told to bathe, so he started back to Syria in a huff. However, his retinue convinced him that it didn’t hurt to try the prophet’s instructions, since he had already came so far, so they rode to the Jordan. Naaman dunked himself in it seven times, and behold, he was cured. Continue reading “II Kings 5: Elisha heals some guy”

Deuteronomy 24

Moses continued droning out rules. A man can’t remarry a woman he had previously divorced if she had gotten remarried in the meantime.

Men get to stay home from war and public service for one honeymoon year after marriage.

Follow the rules about leprosy.

If someone is kidnapping and selling Hebrews into slavery, execute him. Continue reading “Deuteronomy 24”

Numbers 12: Sibling Rivalry

Around this time, Aaron and Miriam started badmouthing Moses and undermining his authority, but Moses didn’t know how to respond.

So God called all three to the Tabernacle, and was all, you two are assholes, and yeah I’ve sent you dreams and stuff, but I only talk to my bro Moses. Y’all need to step off. Then It cursed Miriam with leprosy.

Her brothers were all, oh shit! Please God, don’t curse our sister like that! She’ll be a derelict! God was all, bitch needs to learn a lesson. Cast her out with the other lepers for seven days.

After seven days, she was cured and allowed back in. Then the Hebrews broke camp and continued marching toward Paran.

Numbers 5

Sometime after God gave Moses the laws about leprosy, It demanded that Moses put them into effect.  It also reminded Moses how important confession, atonement, and animal sacrifice were.

God explained that men could try their wives for adultery by bringing the wife before the priest at the altar, offering 1/10 of a bushel of grain, and accuse her. Then the priest would have the woman sit in the tabernacle, unbind her hair, and hold the grain in one hand while drinking “bitter water” (water with dirt in it). Then the priest would incant and curse at her. If she was guilty, her womb would swell while all her muscles wasted. But if nothing happened, then she would be innocent and her husband would have to take her back.

Leviticus 14

Ok, so a person being ritually cleansed of leprosy, needs to follow this ritual. The priest will sacrifice a turtledove and dip some cedar, scarlet yarn and a live bird into the blood and sprinkle that hot mess over the leper seven times, then he’ll let the live bird go. After which, the leper will bath, shave their hair and beard, and wash their clothes. Then they’re clean. But they’ll need to celebrate their cleanness, so they’ll need to offer two male lambs, one ewe lamb, and some grain and oil as offerings. The priest will need to daub some of the lamb blood on the leper’s right toe, ear and thumb. Ugh, I guess if the homeless leper is too poor to offer all that, they can offer two lambs and two doves. Or they can just stay outside. Continue reading “Leviticus 14”