Matthew 17: Shiny

Jesus took Rocky, John and his brother James, and the other James up into the mountains with him. When they got there, he started glowing and Moses and Elijah appeared to have a chat. When Rocky, who wasn’t the brightest, saw them, he was all, It’s a good thing you brought us Jesus! We’ll make three tents for you! Then a voice boomed from the sky, This is my son and I’m a proud dad! At which, the four humans fell on their faces in fear. When they finally looked up, only Jesus was standing there, as matte as usual.

On their way back down the mountain, Jesus was all, Don’t tell anybody what happened until after I rise from the dead. The four groupies looked a little puzzled but nodded. Then they were all, But, wasn’t Elijah supposed to come back before the messiah? Jesus answered, He did, and they chopped off his head!  Continue reading “Matthew 17: Shiny”

Jeremiah 15: Pestilence, famine, and war

God was all, Look, I don’t care if Samuel, or even Moses himself, stood before me and plead for mercy for Judah. I’d tell them to go suck an egg. I’m going to destroy Judah with pestilence, famine, and war.

Jeremiah lamented, Woe is me! I wish I had never been born! Everybody hates me! They curse me and abuse me! When I tell them your message, they’ll probably try to kill me!

God was all, What are you whining about now? Who cares if those jerks hate you? I don’t and that’s what matters. I’ll make sure they don’t kill you.

Isaiah 63

Isaiah shouted, I see a man, coming from Edom way! His clothes are all spattered with red, so I ask him, What’s all that then? Were you treading grapes for wine? And he answers, Yeah, I tread on the winepress and made the sweetest wine–the blood of all those who had oppressed and wronged me. Today is the day of my vengeance! I have trampled the brains of my enemies and the ground has drunk their blood!

Isaiah continued, Surely our God is kind! It does so many things for us! It redeems us and punishes our enemies, those who oppress and wrong us! I know things have been bad lately, but that’s because you all forgot God and didn’t worship It like It wanted, like Abraham and Moses did.

Psalm 105

Rejoice, oh chosen of God

because It promised to love us always.

It made a deal with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

It led them into Egypt’s blaze

and, through Moses, back out again!

Upon the Egyptians It smote

plague upon plague

until the Nile itself did bloat

with carcasses and cadavers.

It permitted the Israelites to take

all the riches found in Pharaoh’s land.

Fed them with manna and from the rock their thirst did slake.

II Kings 22

Amon’s son Josiah inherited the throne when he was 8 years old, and he reigned for 31 years. When Josiah was in his twenties, he ordered the Temple to be repaired, and I guess someone decided to look inside the Ark or maybe they found a copy in a cobwebby pigeonhole, but in any case, an old copy of the Mosaic Laws was discovered–you know, the ones that Moses had ordered that every future king should be given a copy of–and that no one remembered existed? Well the high priest gave a copy to Josiah’s secretary, who read them to the king, who then sent his priest, his secretary, and some other dudes to ask his wardrobe keeper’s grandson’s wife, who was said to be a prophet, how God felt about all this Law stuff and the fact that no one had followed it for, um centuries? God sent back the message that It was pissed. So pissed in fact, that It could never forgive the Judaeans for cheating on It for so long. However, since Josiah was sorry and promised never to do it again, It supposed It could forbear Its wrath for a little longer and spare Judah during Josiah’s lifetime.

Judges 4: Deborah and Barak

Of course after Ehud died, the people began to cheat on God again. So God let a Canaanite king, Jabin of Hazor, conquer the Hebrews and rule a generation.

In that time, however, a prophetess named Deborah emerged in Ephraim and began judging the Hebrews. One day she called a dude named Barak from Naphatali to her and was all, hey, I know God’s been calling you to gather an army and meet Sisera, Jabin’s general, in battle. Barak was all, uh… look…well…yeah…but…um…look, I’ll go but only if you go with me, right? Deborah was all, fine, pussy, I’ll go, but know that my presence brings you no honor. Everyone will say that it took a woman to defeat Sisera. Continue reading “Judges 4: Deborah and Barak”

Joshua 4

God had also told Joshua to have the representatives of each tribe dig up a large stone from the river bed and carry it across the river with them.

After everyone crossed over, the priests walked out and then the water started flowing again.

The Hebrews camped at Gilgal and and erected the twelve standing stones as monuments as a monument to the crossing of the Jordan. (There’s no explanation as to how this is different from the pillars that Moses said God forbade).