II Samuel 9

Eventually David was all, has everyone of Saul’s relatives died, (except my bitch wife, who doesn’t count)? He was told that in fact one male remained, Jonathan’s son, Meph-bosheth, who was lame.

David was all, what! why haven’t I been told this before?! Give all of Saul’s family’s land back to Meph-bosheth and go and escort him to the palace immediately! He will live with me for always and ever and dine at my table!

II Samuel 4: The End of Ish-Bosheth

After Abner died, Israel was thrown into a bit of chaos. Two of Ish-bosheth’s captains, Baanah and Rechab stabbed and beheaded him one day while he was taking his afternoon nap. They took the head to David in Hebron, expecting to be rewarded. But David was all, you’ll get the same reward as the guy who told me he killed Saul. Guards, kill them!

Then David had the head buried in Abner’s tomb.

By the way, there was still one other relative of Saul’s still alive. A son of Jonathan named Mephibosheth whose nurse had fled with him when his father was killed. Unfortunately, she dropped him (he was only five) and caused him to become lame in his feet.

II Samuel 1: David Mourns Saul

David and his men began rebuilding Ziklag and settling their families back in. But on the second day, a bloody and ragged Amalekite soldier stumbled into town and dropped on the ground before David. David was all, Who are you? The guy was all, I come from Saul’s camp to bring you word that Saul and his sons are dead. David was all, Yeah? And how do you know that? And the guy was all, Because I came upon Saul, pierced on his sword, dying, and he begged me to put him out of his misery, so I did. Then I took his sword and armlet to bring to you.

David lamented loudly and commanded his men to put on sackcloth and ashes and mourn and fast for the rest of the day–But only after they killed that dirty Amalekite for daring to lay his filthy hands upon God’s anointed.

Then David wrote this elegy to Saul and Jonathan Continue reading “II Samuel 1: David Mourns Saul”

I Samuel 31: The Death of Saul

Meanwhile, Saul was fighting the Philistines and losing. Jonathan and his brothers Abinadab and Malchi-shua had been killed and Saul was badly wounded by an arrow. He asked his armor bearer to finish him off so that he didn’t die by the hands of the uncircumcised, but his armor-bearer refused. So Saul took his sword and committed seppuku. His armor-bearer followed suit.

Many Hebrew died that day and the Philistines occupied many Hebrew cities. They also cut off Saul’s head and placed it and his armor in a temple of Ashtaroth. They hung his body and those of his sons on the wall of Beth-shan. But the inhabitants of Jabesth-gilead snuck out at night and recovered the bodies and buried them under a tamarisk tree.

And so ends I Samuel, but not the saga of David, soon to be king.

I Samuel 20: Jonathan Saves David Again

While Saul was busy talking in tongues, David fled again and met back up with Jonathan. He was all, What I have done, bro? Why does your dad want to kill me?

Jonathan was all, No way! Dad doesn’t want to kill you. Surely he’d have told me!

David was all, Yeah way. And he wouldn’t have told you. He knows we’re besties. Seriously, dude, your dad’s been trying to kill me.

Jonathan was all, Tell me what you want me to do, bro. Anything.  Continue reading “I Samuel 20: Jonathan Saves David Again”

I Samuel 19: Wherein Saul’s Children Save David

Saul grew so discontented and murderous that he began plotting and scheming against David in front of Jonathan and the servants.

But Jonathan and David had solemnly pinky swore before God to be BFFs and forever wasn’t over yet. So Jonathan warned David that his father was plotting to kill him. David was all, What? Huh? Why? You’re joking right? So Jonathan was all, Ok, fine, I’ll prove it. You know our special spot in the field,  by the cairn of stones? Hide over there tomorrow, and I’ll go walking with my father and get him to talk about you. You’ll hear it from his own mouth.

So David hid by the ezel, and Jonathan and Saul went walking. Of course Saul ranted the entire time about how much he hated David and wished he were dead. But Jonathan kept talking David up, reminding Saul about all the great things he had done for Saul, like killing Goliath and hundreds of other Philistines and playing the lyre and laughing at his jokes until Saul came around and promised not to have David killed. Later Jonathan got the two together for a beer and a hug and the family was happy together again, just like the old days.  Continue reading “I Samuel 19: Wherein Saul’s Children Save David”

I Samuel 18:David and Saul, Frenemies Forever

Saul arranged for David to become his full-time personal assistant. Over the years, Saul came to rely on David more and more and kept promoting him and putting him in charge of more things.

Because David was around all the time, he and Jonathan became the best of besties.

In fact, everyone loved David and thought he was awesomesauce. But then one day, when Saul and David and the army were returning from defeating the Philistines again, and the women came out to dance and sing their triumph, they unfortunately sang: Continue reading “I Samuel 18:David and Saul, Frenemies Forever”

I Samuel 14: Saul almost gets Jonathan killed

Saul’s wife was named Ahinoam and with her he had three sons, Jonathan, Ishivi, and Malchi-shua and two daughters, Merab and Michal. His head general was his first cousin, Abner.

In the conflict with the Philistines, Saul set up camp with his 600 men in the pomegranate cave near Gibeah. Jonathan convinced his armor bearer/boy Friday to go with him to sneak into the nearby Philistine garrison. They had to navigate through a deep ravine or canyon, and the names of the two exits to this canyon were Pozez and Senech. Before exiting, Jonathan turned to his Boy Friday and was all, let’s practice some cledonomancy–if the Philistines tell us to stop and come down to us, we know we’re screwed, but if they holler for us to come up to them, we’ll know it’s a sign from God that It has given them into our hands.  Continue reading “I Samuel 14: Saul almost gets Jonathan killed”

I Samuel 13: Saul Angers God

If you recall, Israel had been under Philistine domination for quite some time. The Philistines had declared that no Hebrew was to be allowed swords or any other weapons, and they had outlawed Hebrews from being blacksmiths to prevent any weapons from being made illegally. However, Saul was planning an insurrection, so he convinced all the Hebrews to carry their farming implements–plowshares, mattocks, axes, etc–to their local Philistine blacksmiths for sharpening. Saul, and his son Jonathan, had swords, however.

This is maybe 2-3 years after the anointing, maybe 12-13, since Saul, who appeared to be a young man at the anointing, now has a son old enough to fight in battle, so anyway, at some point in the future, near or far, it doesn’t matter, because this is the time of the gods, Saul gathered up an army of 3000 Hebrews to fight the Philistines. He had charge of 2000 in Michmash while his son Jonathan had charge of the other 1000 in Gibeah.  Continue reading “I Samuel 13: Saul Angers God”