Matthew 19: No divorce and no dough

Jesus went into the wilderness across the Jordan, but people followed him there anyway. So he healed a bunch of people. Some people wanted him to touch their kids for luck, but the groupies yelled at them. So Jesus yelled at the groupies, Never keep a child from coming to me, yo! And he pinched cheeks and hugged babies until their parents took them home.

Then some Pharisees were all, So, Jesus, what do you think about divorce? Jesus was all, Divorce is wrong. It’s right there in Genesis 2: men will leave their families and cleave to their wives. The Pharisees countered, What about Moses? There’s divorce all through the rest of the Torah. Jesus rolled his eyes, and was all, That’s because Moses had no spine and caved to the cravenness of the humans he led. The only reason EVER for divorce is if the wife cheats on her man. Dudes who divorce and remarry are total adulterers. Continue reading “Matthew 19: No divorce and no dough”

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Matthew 18: Be nice to children

The groupies came to Jesus and were all, So which one of us is the greatest. Jesus just shook his head and grabbed the nearest kid to hug. Smiling, Jesus looked at them for a long time and then said, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Jesus continued, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray?  And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.” Continue reading “Matthew 18: Be nice to children”

Matthew 17: Shiny

Jesus took Rocky, John and his brother James, and the other James up into the mountains with him. When they got there, he started glowing and Moses and Elijah appeared to have a chat. When Rocky, who wasn’t the brightest, saw them, he was all, It’s a good thing you brought us Jesus! We’ll make three tents for you! Then a voice boomed from the sky, This is my son and I’m a proud dad! At which, the four humans fell on their faces in fear. When they finally looked up, only Jesus was standing there, as matte as usual.

On their way back down the mountain, Jesus was all, Don’t tell anybody what happened until after I rise from the dead. The four groupies looked a little puzzled but nodded. Then they were all, But, wasn’t Elijah supposed to come back before the messiah? Jesus answered, He did, and they chopped off his head!  Continue reading “Matthew 17: Shiny”

Matthew 16: Rocky and Jesus

Some of the Pharisees and Sadducees were all, Hey Jesus, if you’re really sent from God, show us a sign. Jesus was all, Look around you, dude. And shaking his head, he left.

Later some of the groupies started freaking out because they realized they forgot to pack any food for this trip, but Jesus was all, Are you stupid? Don’t you remember all the times I miraculously fed thousands with a couple loaves of bread?

Then when they got to Caesarea Philippi, Jesus asked his groupies, Who do people thing the messiah is? And they were all ,Well, some people think it was Elijah, and some people think John the Baptist made a good candidate. And some say Jeremiah or some other prophet. Then Jesus was all, Who do you think I am? And most of them just looked at the ground, but Rocky piped up, You’re the messiah, Jesus! And Jesus looked at him and said, I guess you’re not so dumb after all, Simon bar-Jonah! Rocky, I’ll build my church on a rock as sound as you! Now, the rest of you, keep my identity secret, ok? Don’t tell anyone until after I]m arrested, tortured, and executed in Jerusalem. Rocky was all, No, Jesus! We won’t let that happen to you. But Jesus was all, Shut up, Rocky, or I’ll change your name to Satan! Now, if y’all are ready for a life of hardship, then follow me!

Matthew 15: Watch your mouth

Some Pharisees came to Jesus and were all, Your groupies are gross and they break the rules because they don’t wash their hands before meals. Jesus answered, Who are you to judge? You tell people to violate the 4th Commandment. Handwashing isn’t even in the big 10. Besides. It’s not what goes into your mouth that maters–it’s what comes out!

The Pharisees went away pissy, and the groupies were all, Hey, shouldn’t you be worried that you keep pissing them off? But Jesus was all, Fuck those jokers. The blind leading the blind falls into a pit. Then Rocky was all, Could you explain the parable? And Jesus was all, Are you fucking stupid? Ok, so like who cares what you eat or if you wash your hands first. Whatever you eat gets digested and turns to poop, regardless. But what you say comes from your heart and reveals if you’re a good person or if you think about murder, sexual perversions and adultery, lying, stealing, whatever.

Then Jesus and the groupies traveled to Tyre. There a Canaanite woman started following them, hollering for Jesus to save her daughter. The groupies were all, Send this bitch away, Jesus! She’s annoying. But Jesus ignored them. Finally, he was all, Why should I help you when I’ve been sent to save the Jews? And she was all, Dogs can live on scraps. He nodded approvingly and lo! her daughter was healed.

Then he went on to heal a bunch of people and then repeated the loaves and fishes trick to feed another crowd.  Afterwards, he and the groupies sailed to Magadan.

Matthew 10: Entourage

Jesus’s entourage was made up of 12 of his closest groupies: Rocky, Andrew, James ben Zebedee, John ben Zebedee, Philip, Bart, Thomas, Matthew the taxman, James ben Alphaeus, Thaddeus, Simon the Zealot, and Judas Iscariot. Now to these his closest groupies, Jesus taught them how to heal people and exorcise demons, and then he sent them out to travel the lands, healing and spreading the message, saying,

Never take any payments or gifts, other than food and shelter from a likely mark.  But be prepared, because a lot of people WILL abuse you or beat you or call the cops on you. Suffer through it the best you can and when you get a chance, flee to the next town and hope they treat you better. But whatever you do, don’t stop preaching and healing and the rest, like I’ve told you! All they can do is kill you. And I promise, those towns that don’t treat you right will make Sodom and Gomorrah will look like paradise when I come around!

Some of you look shocked. Don’t be! Even if I’m pretty chill most of the time, remember that I haven’t come in peace. No! I’ve come to punish all the unworthy assholes who don’t believe. Even if that means tearing families apart. But also remember that the people who treat you good and believe you will be rewarded!

 

Matthew 4: Starvation, Satan, and Stuff

Afterwards, Jesus decided to wander around the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, apparently having no job, family, or other responsibilities. And since he had no job, he had no money, so he had no food, but he wasn’t inured enough to homelessness to eat bugs like John. Hunger and isolation does funny things, and by the end of those 6 weeks, he was having conversations with Satan, his dad’s old tempter-in-chief and gambling buddy.

Satan was all, Well, if you’re really a god or God’s son, why are you starving? Turn some of these rocks into bread. But Jesus was all, Dad says I gotta trust It and starve for a little longer.

Then Satan took Jesus to the top the Temple and was all, Why don’t you test out this God’s your dad theory and throw yourself off? Cuz if It’s really your dad, It’ll send angels to save you and then you’ll know for sure. But Jesus was all, Dad’s not that kind of God. It always says, Don’t test me, son! So I’m not gonna risk it.  Continue reading “Matthew 4: Starvation, Satan, and Stuff”