Genesis 31

Eventually, Laban caught on to Jacob’s scheme and he and his sons were pissed, so Jacob decided it was time to split. He explained the situation to Leah and Rachel, and the girls were all, we don’t owe our dad squat. He sold us to you after all. Let’s grab what we can and left. So they waited until Laban was gone on a trip and split. Rachel even took her father’s household gods.

When Laban found out they were gone, he gathered a posse to chase after them. He caught up to them a week later. Laban was all, what gives, son? Why did you sneak off? Why didn’t you let me say goodbye to my daughters and grandkids? And why on earth did you steal my household gods? ┬áJacob was like, look Laban, I really wanted to take my wives with me, and I didn’t think you’d let me have them, so we took off while you were gone. I don’t know nothing about any household gods. Look, if you can find them, you can have them back, and I’ll kill the cat who took ’em. Continue reading “Genesis 31”

Genesis 30

It pissed Rachel off that Leah kept getting pregnant, and she was all, why can’t you get me pregnant, Jacob? You keep getting my ugly sister pregnant. I want a baby! Man up! Jacob was all, I keep trying! I get your sister pregnant, so it’s clearly not my fault! Rachel was all, fine, then sleep with my slave woman Bilhah. I’ll count any kids she has as my own.

When Leah found out about this arrangement, she was not to be outdone, so she gave Jacob her slave woman Zilpah, too. Continue reading “Genesis 30”

Genesis 29: Leah and Rachel

When Jacob got near his uncle’s land, he saw some shepherds and asked them if they knew his uncle and, if so, how things were going. And they were like, everything’s great! Here come’s Laban’s daughter Rachel with the sheep. When Jacob saw Rachel (who must have been just a little girl), he fell madly in love with her. He told Rachel he was her cousin, and she ran to tell her dad that his nephew had arrived. Laban came out to meet him and invited him to stay for a while.

After Jacob had lived with and worked for Laban for a month, Laban was all, it’s not fair for you to work for nothing, what do you want for pay? Jacob was all, I’ll work for you for seven years if you give me Rachel for a wife. And Laban was all, done! Continue reading “Genesis 29: Leah and Rachel”