Matthew 16: Rocky and Jesus

Some of the Pharisees and Sadducees were all, Hey Jesus, if you’re really sent from God, show us a sign. Jesus was all, Look around you, dude. And shaking his head, he left.

Later some of the groupies started freaking out because they realized they forgot to pack any food for this trip, but Jesus was all, Are you stupid? Don’t you remember all the times I miraculously fed thousands with a couple loaves of bread?

Then when they got to Caesarea Philippi, Jesus asked his groupies, Who do people thing the messiah is? And they were all ,Well, some people think it was Elijah, and some people think John the Baptist made a good candidate. And some say Jeremiah or some other prophet. Then Jesus was all, Who do you think I am? And most of them just looked at the ground, but Rocky piped up, You’re the messiah, Jesus! And Jesus looked at him and said, I guess you’re not so dumb after all, Simon bar-Jonah! Rocky, I’ll build my church on a rock as sound as you! Now, the rest of you, keep my identity secret, ok? Don’t tell anyone until after I]m arrested, tortured, and executed in Jerusalem. Rocky was all, No, Jesus! We won’t let that happen to you. But Jesus was all, Shut up, Rocky, or I’ll change your name to Satan! Now, if y’all are ready for a life of hardship, then follow me!

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Matthew 12: Who makes the rules?

(Sorry things got out of order)

One time, Jesus and his followers were trampling a grain field on the Sabbath, and some of the groupies started stealing grain because they were hungry. When they got to town, the local Pharisees called Jesus out on this Sabbath violation, but Jesus was all, David did it. So do priests. Besides, fuck all that. I make the rules for the Sabbath.  The Pharisees then brought forward a man with a paralyzed hand and were all, So then, is it okay if you heal him on the Sabbath? Jesus was all, Stretch out your hand, bro. And lo, the hand was healed. The Pharisees were pleased and went off together to figure out how to bring Jesus down. So Jesus skipped town.

On his way to the next town, Jesus exorcised a demon-possessed man. The Pharisees continued their gossip that he was the emissary of Beelzebub or Satan. But Jesus was all, That don’t make any sense, guys! Why would Satan work against itself? And does that mean when your people do exorcisms they are empowered by a demon? Be logical, man! And look, I’ll forgive you for talking shit about me, but don’t dis God in Its various manifestations! Y’all a bunch of hissing snakes! You gonna get yours!

So then some Pharisees were all, Well, then if you’re the messiah, show us a sign! Jesus was all, You’ll get your sign. I’m gonna be like Jonah soon. Only shit’ll be real this time. And the queen of Sheba will be there too! Man, every time evil is swept out, it just comes back seven times stronger! This generation sucks!

While he was speaking, one of his groupies whispered to him that his mom and brothers were outside waiting to talk to him. But Jesus was all, Who are my mother and brothers! This crowd is my family!

 

Matthew 4: Starvation, Satan, and Stuff

Afterwards, Jesus decided to wander around the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, apparently having no job, family, or other responsibilities. And since he had no job, he had no money, so he had no food, but he wasn’t inured enough to homelessness to eat bugs like John. Hunger and isolation does funny things, and by the end of those 6 weeks, he was having conversations with Satan, his dad’s old tempter-in-chief and gambling buddy.

Satan was all, Well, if you’re really a god or God’s son, why are you starving? Turn some of these rocks into bread. But Jesus was all, Dad says I gotta trust It and starve for a little longer.

Then Satan took Jesus to the top the Temple and was all, Why don’t you test out this God’s your dad theory and throw yourself off? Cuz if It’s really your dad, It’ll send angels to save you and then you’ll know for sure. But Jesus was all, Dad’s not that kind of God. It always says, Don’t test me, son! So I’m not gonna risk it.  Continue reading “Matthew 4: Starvation, Satan, and Stuff”

Zechariah 3: Judging Joshua

Zechariah had a vision of the High Priest Joshua. In it, Joshua, his defense angel, and D.A. Satan stood before God. But before Satan could accuse Joshua, God said, Shut up, Satan! I love Joshua and he represents all the Jews, whom I’ve forgiven. Case dismissed! Then the angel gave Joshua shiny new threads and was all, Look, Josh, God really likes you, and if you always obey It and follow Its rules, you will be Its seven-faceted diamond, and God will bring peace on earth!

Job 38: Then God shows up

Just then a raging whirlwind lept down from the sky. Fed up with the game–since It had technically won the bet with Satan–God in the form of a raging whirlwind blew down and boomed, Here I am, Job! Give me your accounting! You said you wanted to face me! Be a man, Job! Come out and tell me how good you are! Answer me!

You’re a smart guy, huh, Job? Where were you when I made the earth? Hung the stars? Confined the seas? Do you control the day and night? No? Have you ever danced on the bottom of the Marianas Trench? Traced the wind to its source? Know why the rain falls? Do you control the lightning? Did you send the planets and stars spinning? Do you know what happens when you die?

Job 2: The bet continues

The next time the angels checked in with God, God was all, See Satan, I told you my boy Job wouldn’t curse me. I won the bet!

Satan was all, Don’t do a victory dance yet, God. See, Job still has his health. Take that away, and I’m sure he’ll curse you.

God was all, You’re on!

So Satan caused Job to develop running pustules from head to toe. As he sat picking at his sores, his wife was all, You’re disgusting. Curse God and die already.

Then Job’s three best friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, came to console Job. They sat in silence for a long time.

Job 1: God and Satan make a bet

Once upon a time, there was a wealthy man named Job who was a devout follower of God.

Now one day, in another dimension or sphere or something, all the angels went to report to God. One of the angels was Satan, and it reported that it had been traveling around Earth. God was all, What do you think about the human Job? He seems to worship me better than anyone else!

Satan was all, Yeah that guy. He only worships you like that because he’s prosperous. If he lost everything, I bet he’ll curse you, just like the rest of them. Continue reading “Job 1: God and Satan make a bet”

Genesis 3: Garden of Eden

Then this serpent, who might be another god (let’s call It Satan), decided to fuck with God’s dolls. So Satan goes to the girl doll and is all like, hey you see that tree over there? It’s an awesome tree. The fruit is dope and it will make you smart. Like, you could be a real girl and not just a doll if you ate some. So she and the boy doll ate some of the fruit. Then they probably made it, but afterwards, they felt bad about eating the fruit and screwing, so they invented clothes. They knew they were in trouble, so they hid the next time God showed up to play with them. When God found them, they were all like, um that serpent guy, he made us do it, and that’s why snakes have no legs or something. Continue reading “Genesis 3: Garden of Eden”