Zechariah had a vision of the High Priest Joshua. In it, Joshua, his defense angel, and D.A. Satan stood before God. But before Satan could accuse Joshua, God said, Shut up, Satan! I love Joshua and he represents all the Jews, whom I’ve forgiven. Case dismissed! Then the angel gave Joshua shiny new threads and was all, Look, Josh, God really likes you, and if you always obey It and follow Its rules, you will be Its seven-faceted diamond, and God will bring peace on earth!
Just then a raging whirlwind lept down from the sky. Fed up with the game–since It had technically won the bet with Satan–God in the form of a raging whirlwind blew down and boomed, Here I am, Job! Give me your accounting! You said you wanted to face me! Be a man, Job! Come out and tell me how good you are! Answer me!
You’re a smart guy, huh, Job? Where were you when I made the earth? Hung the stars? Confined the seas? Do you control the day and night? No? Have you ever danced on the bottom of the Marianas Trench? Traced the wind to its source? Know why the rain falls? Do you control the lightning? Did you send the planets and stars spinning? Do you know what happens when you die?
The next time the angels checked in with God, God was all, See Satan, I told you my boy Job wouldn’t curse me. I won the bet!
Satan was all, Don’t do a victory dance yet, God. See, Job still has his health. Take that away, and I’m sure he’ll curse you.
God was all, You’re on!
So Satan caused Job to develop running pustules from head to toe. As he sat picking at his sores, his wife was all, You’re disgusting. Curse God and die already.
Then Job’s three best friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, came to console Job. They sat in silence for a long time.
Once upon a time, there was a wealthy man named Job who was a devout follower of God.
Now one day, in another dimension or sphere or something, all the angels went to report to God. One of the angels was Satan, and it reported that it had been traveling around Earth. God was all, What do you think about the human Job? He seems to worship me better than anyone else!
Satan was all, Yeah that guy. He only worships you like that because he’s prosperous. If he lost everything, I bet he’ll curse you, just like the rest of them. Continue reading “Job 1: God and Satan make a bet”
Then this serpent, who might be another god (let’s call It Satan), decided to fuck with God’s dolls. So Satan goes to the girl doll and is all like, hey you see that tree over there? It’s an awesome tree. The fruit is dope and it will make you smart. Like, you could be a real girl and not just a doll if you ate some. So she and the boy doll ate some of the fruit. Then they probably made it, but afterwards, they felt bad about eating the fruit and screwing, so they invented clothes. They knew they were in trouble, so they hid the next time God showed up to play with them. When God found them, they were all like, um that serpent guy, he made us do it, and that’s why snakes have no legs or something. Continue reading “Genesis 3: Garden of Eden”