Matthew 5: Sermon on the Mount

Again, because there wasn’t any television or movies or even radio, street preachers were everyone’s favorite cheap entertainment. Jesus was always a popular draw when he came to town. This one time, the crowd was so large that Jesus was worried the people in the back wouldn’t be able to hear him, since microphones hadn’t been invented either. So he climbed up a mountain and found a nice cliff to stand on so that everyone could see him and his voice would echo out. Then he began laying down some controversial opinions, the Be-Attitudes:

  • Depressed, low-spirited folk deserve love too, from Da–er–God, if not from humans.
  • Humble people might get railroaded, but they’ll eventually get theirs.
  • People who fight for justice will eventually see it served; however, it’s best to be merciful if you also want to be forgiven when you fuck up.
  • Be pure and good and love peace because the world is what you make it.
  • God will bless and reward anyone who gets persecuted or punished for following me or for spreading my opinions. I promise! And this is why.  You are the salt of the world and salty snacks are good! And you are cities on hills that everyone can see!
  • Anger is just as bad as murder and God will never listen to you or accept your offerings if you holding any grudges when you pray.
  • Getting revenge is also bad. Just forgive and move on. Plus, bullies hate it when you don’t get mad or react or anything, especially if you act all righteous when you forgive them.
  • And it’s not enough to only love your family and friends. Love everyone! Even people who do you dirt. Cuz if Da–er–God made everything, then even shitty people were made by It. Who are you to question It’s plan? It’s perfect!
  • Lusting after someone is just as bad as cheating on your wife. It’s better to be castrated than to lust, just like it’s better to lose your hand than to steal.
  • And don’t think that divorce is the answer here. I don’t believe in divorce, so remarriage is still cheating.

I know it might seem like I’m making up new laws. I’m not. I’m just reinterpreting the old laws. In fact, I’m a fulfillment of all the laws and prophecies! So, like, follow me!

Advertisements

Amos 7: Woe to those who try to silence critics

Amos told everyone,  God showed me possible futures. First, God showed me a swarm of locusts eating up the harvests and everyone starving. I begged it not to do that to us. So It said It wouldn’t. Then It showed me a wildfire burning up Israel, and again I begged It to please not let that happen. And God said It wouldn’t. Later it showed me a really straight tall wall, and asked, what do you see? And I answered, a wall. And It was, Exactly. This wall means that I will spare Israel no longer. It will be destroyed.

Because Amos went around telling people stuff like this, the priest Amaziah sent a letter complaining to King Jeroboam that Amos was a troublemaker. On the king’s authority, Amaziah told Amos to get the hell out of Israel and go back to Judah. Amos was all, Look, I’m just a shepherd. But God commanded me to come to Israel to tell you all these things. And It tells me I have to stay and continue. So for trying to stop me, God will curse you. Your wife will become a whore and you children will be murdered. Your land will be stolen and you will be sent into exile with the rest of the Israelites.

Hosea 13: Ingrates

They worship calf statues in Israel! They practice human sacrifice! And after all I’ve done for them too! I mean, I freed them from slavery, and fed them as the wandered around the desert for 40 years after I cursed them for worshiping a calf statue the first time. And then I helped them conquer the Promised Land, but did they commit total genocide like I asked them to? And now, a new calf statue to pray to!

But they’ll be sorry. I’ll make them pay. I’ll rip them up like a lion on a gazelle. *They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to pieces, pregnant women ripped open!

 

*This is word for word from Hosea 13:16

Ezekiel 9: Avenging angels

Then God called out, Come, my vengancers! And six armed men appeared, accompanied by a seventh who carried notebooks and pens. God told the recording angel to go through Jerusalem and put a mark on anyone’s forehead who reprobated their cheating, polytheistic neighbors. Then It told the avenging angels to kill anyone without a mark.

At that command, I fell on my face and begged God to have mercy on the Jews, but It was all, The Jews are cheating whores who deserve death.

Jeremiah 51

Jeremiah sent word of Babylon’s impending destruction to the Jews in exile there. He told them that Babylon would be invaded and all its people murdered in retaliation it did to the Jews and Israel and Judah–even though God ordained that harm to punish them for their own misdeeds. But logic aside, when the fighting started, Jews were advised to flee!

Jeremiah 20: Pashur’s had enough

All this was just too much for Pashur the priest. He knocked Jeremiah upside the head with his staff and then gave him a few swift blows on the back for good measure. Guards, lock this man in the stocks, he bellowed. There Jeremiah sat all  night, humiliated and jeered, and probably pelted with rotten food and excrement.

The next day, when Pashur went to have Jeremiah released, Jeremiah hissed, God will kill your wife and children and see that you are carried into exile into Babylon, where you will die a slave!

Then Jeremiah wandered off, lamenting to God, Why have you deceived me? Why have you made me your prophet when nobody listens? When it just brings me shame and humiliation? Every time I deliver your message of violence and destruction, people tell  me I’m an asshole! But when I try to keep my mouth shut, my brain burns. Burns! until your message of death explodes from my lungs! Oh, I wish I had never been born! Why didn’t my mother get an abortion!

Jeremiah 18: The potter’s wheel

Another time, God told Jeremiah to go down to the pottery shop to watch the potter work. So Jeremiah watched the potter working his wheel, but the pot collapsed. So the potter reworked the clay and made a new pot. Then God was all, I am the potter and you humans and your petty nations are the pot! I make you and I can break you! Go tell people, I’m going to break them. They will ignore you of course, but tell them anyway and tell them that’s why I’m going to turn Judah into a hellscape.

So Jeremiah did as he was bid. Everybody was pretty sick of listening to him, so when he would start talking, they would yell, Shut up, asshole! And then do their best to ignore him.

This upset Jeremiah, so he prayed, Everybody’s so mean to me! I think they want to kill me! Please, God, punish them for me! Let their children starve and let them be murdered and their wives widowed!

Jeremiah 17

God continued, Look, Judah is super sinful. Everywhere I look there are Asherim or temples to Baal or who even knows. All this cheating has made me so wrathful your puny little human mind can’t even fathom it.

Jeremiah then prayed, Why have you cursed me with your prophecies, God? People hate me for telling them your messages! Please punish those who persecute me!

God answered, Ok, ok, Jeremiah. I get it. Now, I want you to go down to the People’s Gate in Jerusalem and remind everyone you see about the whole keeping the Sabbath holy commandment and remind them that they’re not supposed to do any work or really even leave their houses. Tell them that if they start keeping the Sabbath, I’ll forgive everything. But–if they don’t…..well, you know.

Jeremiah 12: Why’s life so unfair?

God’s promise of revenge didn’t really satisfy Jeremiah, so he was all, Why, God? Why do you let the wicked prosper? Why haven’t you gone ahead and destroyed Judah by now?

God was all, Patience, my boy! All those a bad people who taunt you will get theirs. Our time lines are different. I don’t conceive of things in puny human years. Don’t you worry that pretty little head of yours. Besides, if all your countrypeople repent, I might spare them.

Isaiah 63

Isaiah shouted, I see a man, coming from Edom way! His clothes are all spattered with red, so I ask him, What’s all that then? Were you treading grapes for wine? And he answers, Yeah, I tread on the winepress and made the sweetest wine–the blood of all those who had oppressed and wronged me. Today is the day of my vengeance! I have trampled the brains of my enemies and the ground has drunk their blood!

Isaiah continued, Surely our God is kind! It does so many things for us! It redeems us and punishes our enemies, those who oppress and wrong us! I know things have been bad lately, but that’s because you all forgot God and didn’t worship It like It wanted, like Abraham and Moses did.