Rejoice, oh chosen of God
because It promised to love us always.
It made a deal with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
It led them into Egypt’s blaze
and, through Moses, back out again!
Upon the Egyptians It smote
plague upon plague
until the Nile itself did bloat
with carcasses and cadavers.
It permitted the Israelites to take
all the riches found in Pharaoh’s land.
Fed them with manna and from the rock their thirst did slake.
When Isaac got old, he went blind. One day, when he was feeling like the reaper was breathing on his neck, he called Esau to him and was all, Son, my time is near the end. Let me taste some of your delicious game meat stew one last time, and then I will bless you. Esau wiped away a tear away, grabbed his bow or spear or whatever and went to track down the plumpest deer he could.
Unfortunately, Rebekah overheard all this. She still had an unreasonable animus against her firstborn and she really really wanted to get that magical blessing for Jacob. So she called Jacob to her and told him to go kill some young kids so she could make a goat and lentil stew. While she was cooking, she explained her plan to trick Isaac. Jacob was, I don’t know Ma, Esau’s pretty hairy, I don’t think dad’ll fall for it. He’s blind, not stupid. Rebekah knocked him upside the head with her ladle and told him to go put on his brother’s clothes. When he came back, she took the kid pelts and wrapped them around Jacob’s neck and arms, gave him a tray with a steaming bowl of stew on it and told him to take it in to his father. Continue reading “Genesis 27: Jacob Steal’s Esau’s Birthright”
At some point, there was famine in the land, because living by primitive agriculture in desert is precarious. Isaac heard that there was plenty and Egypt and was going to move the family there, but God was all, go to Gerar instead.
When they got to Gerar, Isaac decided to try out Abraham’s pimping tricks and told King Abimelech that Rebekah was his sister (even though she was really only his second cousin). But one day King Abimelech looked out of his window and saw Rebekah and Isaac having sexy time (i.e. “laughing”), so he confronted Isaac about lying about who Rebekah was. Isaac was all, but I thought if I told you the truth, you’d kill me for my hot wife, and Abimelech is all, what kind of people do you take us for? Continue reading “Genesis 26”
Even though Abraham was old as fuck he got married again. Or maybe he’d had this third wife all along, but this was the first time she warranted a mention. Anyway he had a bunch of other kids besides Isaac and Ishmael, but only those two really count, well, really only Isaac counted. When Abraham died, Isaac inherited everything sans gifts for all his siblings. Ishmael came back for the funeral and they buried Abraham in the cave with Sarah.
All of Abraham’s kids had a lot of kids, but again, the only ones that count are those of Isaac.
It took Rebekah a long time to get pregnant, and when she did, it was a really rough pregnancy because she was pregnant with twins. The firstborn twin they named Esau, and he was really hairy. The second twin was named Jacob. Esau grew up to be a hunter, but Jacob was a homebody. Isaac preferred Esau because he really liked the taste of game meat, and Esau was a great cook. However, Rebekah preferred Jacob. One day, Esau came back from hunting totally famished. Jacob happened to be cooking lentil stew and Esau was all, hey bro, give me some of that stew! It smells delish. Jacob was a bit of a dick and wouldn’t give him any, so Esau was like, bro, I’m dying here! Give me some stew! I’ll give you whatever you want. So Jacob was, I’ll give me some stew if you give me your birthright of primogeniture. Esau was like, whatever, it’s yours, just give me some stew.
Abraham didn’t want Isaac to marry one of the local girls, but someone from Abraham’s homeland. Since Abraham was too old to make the trip back home, he called his head servant to him and made him swear to find a nice relative for Isaac to marry. So the servant put his hand under Abraham’s thigh (or maybe grabbed his balls?) and swore he’d do his best. Then the servant asked if he should take Isaac with him so that the boy could pick out his own bride, but Abraham, was like Lord no! Don’t take my son into that hellhole!
So the servant got a caravan together and headed back toward Ur where Abraham’s brother Nahor lived. Now this servant didn’t want to put a lot of effort into finding a wife for Isaac, so he made a vow that the first unattached girl who gave him a drink and offered to water his camels would be the girl for Isaac. Luckily for Isaac, the first woman was a pretty virgin named Rebekah. The servant thought, so far, so good, then asked the girl, miss, who’s your father? Would he let me and the caravan rest for a couple of days, and she was like oh, this is Nahor’s camp. He’s my grandpa, I’m sure he’ll let you stay! The servant was all yessss! to himself, and gave her a golden nosering and some golden bangles. She ran home to show her mom. Continue reading “Genesis 24: Isaac and Rebekah”
God is a totally twisted sick fuck, and decides that, since Abraham was willing to send away Ishmael to likely death, It would see what he would be willing to do to Isaac. So God tells Abraham to take Isaac off to the mountains and offer him as a burnt sacrifice. And Abraham, who is obviously suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, says, ok God, will do. He loads up a donkey with firewood and he and Isaac go off to the wilderness. He tells Isaac that they are going camping to offer burnt sacrifices to God. Isaac’s all, but where’s the lamb or kid, Dad? and Abraham is all, it’ll be there, don’t worry. When they get to the campsite, Isaac helps Abraham build the altar and starts looking around for the goat. About that time, Abraham sneaks up on his son and ties him up. Then he tosses Isaac on top of the firewood and gets out his knife. Just as he’s about to slit Isaac’s throat, an angel grabs his arm and is all, Stop! You’ve passed the test for being blindly devoted God. Don’t kill your kid, kill that ram that just magically appeared over there. Hey, Isaac, sorry for the scare, man, but since your dad was willing to kill you, God’ll make sure you have lots of sons that inherit this land, k? We all good?
After all these promises from God, Sarah started feeling really bad about being barren, so she told Abraham that he could fuck her slave woman Hagar, and she, Sarah, would claim any resulting children as her own. However, when Hagar did get pregnant, Sarah just hated her for it and accused her of being proud and insolent. She started beating Hagar and accusing Abraham of liking Hagar better.
It got so bad that Hagar finally ran away, but then an angel came to her and told her to stiffen that upper lip, go back and submit to all the abuse Sarah could dish out, because if she did, then God would bless Ishmael. So Hagar stupidly returns to an abusive situation, and maybe Ishmael was blessed, but his descendants mostly show up in this story as adversaries to God’s favorites, the Hebrews who descended from Isaac.