Song of Songs 8: And they all live happily ever after

Afterwards, when Solomon was asleep, Sandy cooed over him about how she would love him even if he were poor.

When they came back to town, Sandy’s friends were pretty scandalized at their appearance and took Sandy aside to tell her she looked like hell. But Sandy didn’t care. She was all, this is my man and I love him.

Sandy’s friends were all, We hope our little sisters are as luck as Sandy.

Sand was all, Yes, I am lucky to be one of the king’s women. I wouldn’t give my vineyard to anyone else.

Solomon called out for Sandy and they left together for the happily ever after.

 

Well that concludes that. Next time we start Isaiah, who was a debby-downer for four kings of Judah.

Song of Songs 7: another cheesy sex scene

Solomon really loved to blaze Sandy’s beauties. He really couldn’t get enough of it. One night, he started at her feet, kissing each toe and was all, you have the finest little feet, and those legs go on for days. I just want to lap wine from your belly button. And your boobs! So bouncy and yet so perky! I could nipple your neck for the rest of my life. Your teeth are so straight and perfect and all there! You have to teach the rest of the harem your dental care routine. I drown in your eyes. I love the smell of your hair and the way my fingers get tangled in it.

Then he kissed her and nuzzled her breasts and asked to taste her fruits.

Sandy answered, Yes, oh yes! All my fruit is yours! Let’s walk in the vineyard and make love beneath the blossoming vines!

Song of Songs 6: The friends finally meet Solomon

They made up of course.

On another day, Sandy’s friends came over and were all, So where’s this boy of yours? We want to meet him.

Sandy answered, He went home. But he’ll be back to browse my lilies soon.

Later, when Solomon came to hook up with Sandy, he again raved about how hot she was and about how great it was that she still had all her teeth. He told her, I may have 60 wives and 80 concubines, and I don’t know how many virgins waiting for me to deflower them, but you the one that I want, Sandy.

That evening, Sandy’s friends came back and when they met Solomon, they were all, Like you are pretty swell! What’s your name?

Solomon was all, uh……………I gotta go.

But the friends were all, Oh no you don’t! You’re the king, aren’t you.

Solomon was all, Yeah? And what of it?

Song of Songs 5: Love ’em and leave ’em

Solomon moaned, I’m coming in your garden! I’m eating your honeycomb!

People nearby were all, Have at her, Solomon!

But then the next day, Sandy woke up alone. She sobbed to her friends, I opened my garden for Solomon…let him walk there and plant his seed…but he left again! And this time when I went looking for him and asked the cops if they had seen him, they laughed at me and hit me and called me a whore! Even if I am a whore, I’m at least the king’s whore! And I need him soooo bad. If any of you see him, will you tell him that? That I need him. I want him. I can’t live without him!

Her friends were all, Why? What makes him so special?

Sandy answered, He is sooo fine. So fine. He has this curly blond hair and I just drown in his eyes. His lips are strong and sweet. And God is he ripped. Wash my clothes on those abs. And well, she giggled, he is hung like those fabled cedar trees of Lebanon.

Song of Songs 4: Solomon’s lines

Solomon said to Sandy, You are so fine, girl! Your eyes are so large and your hair is so long and curly. I love how white and even your teeth are, and you have all of them! Your lips are red velvet. I could nuzzle your neck for days. And your titties! So perky and luscious. Mmm girl, I will climb your mountain all night. So come with me, babe. Let’s climb the mountain and plumb the depths of your well. Let me walk in your garden and taste your honeyed fruits.

Sandy moaned, Oh yes! Walk in my garden!

Song of Songs 3: Sandy realizes who her lover is

Sandy sighed, But when I woke up in the morning, my lover was gone ! I wandered around town looking for him, asking everyone I met. I almost despaired, but at last I found him! I made him come home with me to meet my mom…That’s when I realized my lover was actually King Solomon! Well, he did the honorable thing and married me. Or made me his concubine. Or something. I dunno exactly. When we tied the knot, he did so all officially, with an honor guard. He drove his nicest cedar carriage all inlaid with gold and silver. It is truly a sweet ride. I bet it makes all the girls, well, you know.

Song of Songs 2: He’s so fine

Sandy continued, he called me the most beautiful among all women. I am sooo happy. My crush is like an apple tree in a dark forest–His love is like raisins and wine. I’m only complete when he’s holding me. Friends, it is so good to be loved. Look! There he comes. Look at his that chest and those legs. So muscular. Coming love! I am yours until the mountains crash into the sea.

Solomon whispered to her, Show me your face and let me hear your voice. And let me run in your vineyard, my sweet.

Song of Songs 1: Tell me more, tell me more

This girl, let’s call her Sandy, was chatting with her BFFs and decided to dish on this hot guy she was crushing on. They were all, Tell me more, tell me more. Like, does he have a horse?

So she answered, his kisses are so sweet, so passionate, so hot–and he’s so fine that all the girls want him. I can’t believe he likes me! I mean, my skin’s so brown from working outside all the time. My brothers are always telling me just how ugly I am, but my guy doesn’t care at all.

Her friends were all, Come off it, Sandy. You know you’re beautiful. Your brothers are just jerks.

Sandy was all, well, he said that I was as pretty as a full-blooded mare fit for a king! And he promised to give me jewelry to set off my beauty–after we were laying on the green grass after making love. His head was laying on my breasts and he admired my eyes and my full set of teeth.

Ecclesiastes 12: Solomon’s final advice

Most importantly, fear God. When you’re young and when you get old. Because that’s the one constant in life. Besides death, I mean. Life might be dark and full of terrors, but God is eternal. And inscrutable. And terrifying. Really freaking terrifying.

If you want to know more of my wisdom and get even more advice, then read my other book Proverbs

 

(And so ends Ecclesiastes.  Next time, the Song of Songs wherein Solomon does the nasty!)

 

 

Ecclesiastes 11: Actually, money’s okay

But really, Solomon mused, money makes life bearable. If someone wants to have any chance at leading a bearable life, they really need to have a lot of money. So you should invest wisely and diversify your assets–that way if one venture fails, you have other revenue streams.

And, IMHO, you just try to have as much fun as possible while you’re young, since the older you get, the more life sucks and the more you realize just how meaningless everything is, since you’re just going to die anyway.