Hosea 3: Can’t make a ho a housewife

Of course Gomer cheated on Hosea and left him. God told Hosea to go get his wife back. So he bought her from her lover for six ounces of silver and 430 pounds of barley. When they were reunited, he said, Look, you’re mine and you gotta stop cheating and whoring. I’ll be good to you. Besides, don’t you now our marriage is supposed to symbolize God’s union with Israel? Take this seriously, babe.

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Hosea 2: Go tell your mother

God said, Hey Hosea, Tell your mother Israel that she is not my girl anymore. Tell her she’s a cheating whore and I’m going to strip her down and expose her to her lovers, the Baals. I’m going to take away all my food and wine and gold and holidays. I’m going to ruin her vines and fig trees….But, then tell her, that after I’ve humiliated and debased her, I’ll take her back. Then she won’t call me by other gods’ names and it will be like the old days back when we met in Egypt.

Hosea 1: Hey, Hosea

Hosea ben Beeri first started talking to God back when when Jeroboam was king of Israel.

The first thing God told Hosea was to go find a slutty woman and marry her to represent how God currently felt about Israel. So Hosea searched and searched and eventually found Gomer, the most promiscuous girl in town.

He decided to assume the kids were his. The first one was a boy and God told him to name it Jezreel, in honor of the massacre of Israelites in Jezreel that God had planned. The next one was a girl. God said to name it Not Loved, because that’s how It felt about Israel. The third kid was named Not My People, because God was breaking up with Israel.

Daniel 12: The end

The angel continued, Then the world will end and the holy dead will rise and go to heaven in the rapture.

Daniel was all, So when’s all this supposed to happen?

And the angel was all, A really long time from now. Don’t worry about it. Just continue being your awesome self.

The end

Next time Hosea, a misogynistic trip back into time to before the exile

Daniel 11: The North and South

The angel continued, So look, Dan, there’s only going to be four more Persian kings. That fourth king is going to pick a fight with Greece and lose. Then there will be a mighty Greek king, but his kingdom will get divided up after he dies.

Then there will be a King in the North and a King in the South. They will war, and then attempt to reconcile by marrying a southern princess to the King in the North. Unfortunately, it will be a red wedding and one of her kinsman will arise to seek vengeance. This southron will defeat the North and sack Winterfell. But then the King in the North will rally and invade the South and defeat it. They will continue to fight for generations, but eventually the North will win and that northern king will set himself up as a god.

Daniel 10: Dan sees an angel

In the third year of Cyrus’s reign, Daniel had a vision about an upcoming war or three. He had been depressed and had abstained from drinking or eating flavorful foods or using moisturizers for three whole weeks. One day, he trudged on down to the Tigris to look at the waters. There he saw a man or something that had lightning for a face and bronze for his body and really nice clothes. Daniel fainted. The shiny man woke him up and was all, Don’t be afraid. God loves you. I’m here to tell you about a war between Persia and Greece.

Daniel 9: Daniel prays

In the first year of Darius’s reign, Daniel realized that the 70 years of exile prophesied by Jeremiah were about up. So he prayed. He prayed, O God, we are a bunch of lowly worms that cheated on you and broke your rules and were punished just like you said we would be. Please forgive us and restore Jerusalem!

Then the angel Gabriel appeared and was all, Yo, Dan, God really loves you and It wants you to know that there are still 70 weeks of punishment left. Then it will take 7 more weeks to rebuild Jerusalem. Unfortunately, after 62 weeks more it will all be destroyed again.

Daniel 8: Dream again

In the third year of Belshazzar’s reign, Daniel dreamed he was standing beside the Ulai Canal in Susa where he saw a mighty ram with mighty horns that rammed everyone and everything that came in its path. But then a one-horned goat appeared and charged the ram and broke its horns. Then the goat ruled the canal. Only its horn broke and four grew in its place. One of these new horns grew all the way to heaven and demanded that everyone worship it. Then a voice said in 2300 days, the Temple will be rebuilt! Then the voice said, Gabriel, explain to Daniel what all this means. So an angel appeared and told Daniel that the ram represented the Persian empire and the goat represented the Greek kingdoms, which would dominate the world until they too were toppled.

Then Daniel awoke, but he was so disturbed he stayed in bed for like a week.

Daniel 7: Daniel’s dream

In the first year of Belshazzar’s reign, Daniel had a dream. In the dream were four beasts that emerged from the sea. The first beast was a winged lion, but then the wings were torn off and it stood on its hind legs and spoke and thought like a human. The second beast was a bear. This one also stood on two legs, only it was a back and a front paw. It had bones in its mouth and ate voraciously. The third beast was a winged leopard with four heads and it was the king. The fourth beast…the fourth beast was a monster with ten horns, and iron teeth, and great crushing feet. Then a tiny horn grew in place of three of the horns. This tiny horn had eyes and a mouth and it looked at Daniel and said, The Ancient of Days, in his white robes with his white woolly hair,  sits on his throne with his court of thousands.

Then all the beasts died and burned up. Then an angel came and went before the Ancient of Days and became the ruler of the world.

In the dream, Daniel was freaking out, so he asked one of the court to tell him what the hell was going on. That guy was all, The four beasts are four kings that will rule and then fall and then the followers of God will finally get a forever ruler.

Daniel 6: The lion’s den

Daniel was a really long-lived man. Not only did he outlast the Babylonian empire, he managed to live through four Persian emperors as well. This fourth Persian emperor, Darius I, really like the old man and put him in charge of a huge province. Unfortunately, a lot of the other bureaucrats didn’t like Daniel. They kept trying to find things to get him in trouble, but Daniel was an ideal administrator. So they knew they’d have to find some way to get him in trouble for being Jewish. Thus, they played on Darius’s ego and got the emperor to issue a decree that no one was allowed to pray to anyone or thing for but the emperor himself for thirty days–or be fed to lions.

Daniel didn’t care and went right on with is normal prayer routine. Of course the bureaucrats narked him out. Darius was sad, but he had to appear tough on crime, so he was all, Sorry about this, Daniel, I really hope your god saves you. And had him tossed into the lion’s den at the royal menagerie. The door was shut and sealed.

Darius spent a restless night, and first thing in the morning, he hurried down to the zoo to see what happened. When the guards unfastened the door, there was Daniel standing amid a bunch of sleeping lions!

Darius was so happy. He ordered Daniel to be lifted out and restored to his post. Then he made a new decree that everyone in the empire needed to worship the Jewish god too.