When they got to the Jerusalem suburbs, Jesus halted the throng and was all, Look, the prophets said I would ride into town in style. So go take that donkey and her colt a few blocks away and if anyone asks, say “God needs it.” The groupies stole the donkey for Jesus. He mounted and then his followers began throwing branches and jackets down for him to ride on in some sort of ghetto-fabulous royal procession. People came out of their houses to stare at this strange parade, and when they could make themselves heard over the chanting groupies, they were all, What the fuck is this? And the groupies were all, It’s Jesus the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee!
Jesus rode up to the Temple and hulked out. With a roar, he started throwing tables and chairs around, beating up anyone who sold anything–even the sacrificial pigeon seller. People fled. Then the groupies filed in, chanting, Me-ssi-ah! Me-ssi-ah! and Jesus healed some people. The priests were like, Whoa, guy! What’s all this then?! Jesus smirked and was all, Out of the mouths of babes, as the saying goes. Continue reading “Matthew 21: Jesus gets hangry”
Jesus continued, Look, heaven is like…well, say God is the owner of a vineyard, and at harvest time, It goes out and hires some dudes to pick the grapes for like $100. Then at ten, It goes to the Home Depot and hires some more guys. Then at noon, It goes to the Menards and hires some more guys, then at three, It goes to the Lowes and hires some more guys, and then at like 5, It goes to the homeless shelter and hires all those guys too. then at 7, all the guys come to get paid, and God-the-vineyard-owner gives each one $100. Now the guys who had been there all day are pissed because they had worked so much longer than everyone else. But God-the-vineyard-owner is all, You agreed to $100! Why you mad? You mad that I got all the money? Or are you mad that I’m generous and charitable?
The groupies just looked around blankly, so said, From here, we’re going to go back to Jerusalem, and there I will be arrested, tortured, and executed. This did not help conversation. Continue reading “Matthew 20: Wine and death”
Jesus went into the wilderness across the Jordan, but people followed him there anyway. So he healed a bunch of people. Some people wanted him to touch their kids for luck, but the groupies yelled at them. So Jesus yelled at the groupies, Never keep a child from coming to me, yo! And he pinched cheeks and hugged babies until their parents took them home.
Then some Pharisees were all, So, Jesus, what do you think about divorce? Jesus was all, Divorce is wrong. It’s right there in Genesis 2: men will leave their families and cleave to their wives. The Pharisees countered, What about Moses? There’s divorce all through the rest of the Torah. Jesus rolled his eyes, and was all, That’s because Moses had no spine and caved to the cravenness of the humans he led. The only reason EVER for divorce is if the wife cheats on her man. Dudes who divorce and remarry are total adulterers. Continue reading “Matthew 19: No divorce and no dough”
Jesus took Rocky, John and his brother James, and the other James up into the mountains with him. When they got there, he started glowing and Moses and Elijah appeared to have a chat. When Rocky, who wasn’t the brightest, saw them, he was all, It’s a good thing you brought us Jesus! We’ll make three tents for you! Then a voice boomed from the sky, This is my son and I’m a proud dad! At which, the four humans fell on their faces in fear. When they finally looked up, only Jesus was standing there, as matte as usual.
On their way back down the mountain, Jesus was all, Don’t tell anybody what happened until after I rise from the dead. The four groupies looked a little puzzled but nodded. Then they were all, But, wasn’t Elijah supposed to come back before the messiah? Jesus answered, He did, and they chopped off his head! Continue reading “Matthew 17: Shiny”
Some of the Pharisees and Sadducees were all, Hey Jesus, if you’re really sent from God, show us a sign. Jesus was all, Look around you, dude. And shaking his head, he left.
Later some of the groupies started freaking out because they realized they forgot to pack any food for this trip, but Jesus was all, Are you stupid? Don’t you remember all the times I miraculously fed thousands with a couple loaves of bread?
Then when they got to Caesarea Philippi, Jesus asked his groupies, Who do people thing the messiah is? And they were all ,Well, some people think it was Elijah, and some people think John the Baptist made a good candidate. And some say Jeremiah or some other prophet. Then Jesus was all, Who do you think I am? And most of them just looked at the ground, but Rocky piped up, You’re the messiah, Jesus! And Jesus looked at him and said, I guess you’re not so dumb after all, Simon bar-Jonah! Rocky, I’ll build my church on a rock as sound as you! Now, the rest of you, keep my identity secret, ok? Don’t tell anyone until after I]m arrested, tortured, and executed in Jerusalem. Rocky was all, No, Jesus! We won’t let that happen to you. But Jesus was all, Shut up, Rocky, or I’ll change your name to Satan! Now, if y’all are ready for a life of hardship, then follow me!
Some Pharisees came to Jesus and were all, Your groupies are gross and they break the rules because they don’t wash their hands before meals. Jesus answered, Who are you to judge? You tell people to violate the 4th Commandment. Handwashing isn’t even in the big 10. Besides. It’s not what goes into your mouth that maters–it’s what comes out!
The Pharisees went away pissy, and the groupies were all, Hey, shouldn’t you be worried that you keep pissing them off? But Jesus was all, Fuck those jokers. The blind leading the blind falls into a pit. Then Rocky was all, Could you explain the parable? And Jesus was all, Are you fucking stupid? Ok, so like who cares what you eat or if you wash your hands first. Whatever you eat gets digested and turns to poop, regardless. But what you say comes from your heart and reveals if you’re a good person or if you think about murder, sexual perversions and adultery, lying, stealing, whatever.
Then Jesus and the groupies traveled to Tyre. There a Canaanite woman started following them, hollering for Jesus to save her daughter. The groupies were all, Send this bitch away, Jesus! She’s annoying. But Jesus ignored them. Finally, he was all, Why should I help you when I’ve been sent to save the Jews? And she was all, Dogs can live on scraps. He nodded approvingly and lo! her daughter was healed.
Then he went on to heal a bunch of people and then repeated the loaves and fishes trick to feed another crowd. Afterwards, he and the groupies sailed to Magadan.
Herod the Great, the one who wanted to kill baby Jesus, had a bunch of kids, many of whom he had to have executed because of coup attempts. After one of these, he married his granddaughter Herodias to his son Herod (Phillip) II. They lived in Rome for a while, where they had a daughter they named Salome, after her aunt. But then they got divorced, and Herodias married another one of her uncles, Herod Antipas, who was serving as a Roman client king over the province of Galilee. (See, after Herod the Great died, Rome divided the region into four sections, each ruled by one of his surviving kids (Herod Antipas, Philip the Tetrarch, Herod Archelaus, and Salome I).
Anyhoo, John the Baptist had made a big stink about Herodias’s second uncle marriage, the one with Herod Antipas. So when Herod Antipas had arrested John for generally disturbing the peace, Herodias began nagging her new uncle husband to execute the troublemaker. Herod refused. But then Herod’s birthday came around, and his step-daughter/niece Salome did a dance for him, and she danced so well, that he told her she could have anything she wanted as a reward. So she piped up, as her mother had bid her, I want the head of John the Baptist on a silver platter! Herod felt bad, but he always kept his promises, so in a twinkling, she had her wish! Later, they married her off to her uncle, Philip the Tetrarch, who was 32 years older than her. Continue reading “Matthew 14: John dies”
(Sorry things got out of order)
One time, Jesus and his followers were trampling a grain field on the Sabbath, and some of the groupies started stealing grain because they were hungry. When they got to town, the local Pharisees called Jesus out on this Sabbath violation, but Jesus was all, David did it. So do priests. Besides, fuck all that. I make the rules for the Sabbath. The Pharisees then brought forward a man with a paralyzed hand and were all, So then, is it okay if you heal him on the Sabbath? Jesus was all, Stretch out your hand, bro. And lo, the hand was healed. The Pharisees were pleased and went off together to figure out how to bring Jesus down. So Jesus skipped town.
On his way to the next town, Jesus exorcised a demon-possessed man. The Pharisees continued their gossip that he was the emissary of Beelzebub or Satan. But Jesus was all, That don’t make any sense, guys! Why would Satan work against itself? And does that mean when your people do exorcisms they are empowered by a demon? Be logical, man! And look, I’ll forgive you for talking shit about me, but don’t dis God in Its various manifestations! Y’all a bunch of hissing snakes! You gonna get yours!
So then some Pharisees were all, Well, then if you’re the messiah, show us a sign! Jesus was all, You’ll get your sign. I’m gonna be like Jonah soon. Only shit’ll be real this time. And the queen of Sheba will be there too! Man, every time evil is swept out, it just comes back seven times stronger! This generation sucks!
While he was speaking, one of his groupies whispered to him that his mom and brothers were outside waiting to talk to him. But Jesus was all, Who are my mother and brothers! This crowd is my family!
Shortly after the entourage had left to proselytize, John the Baptist, who was still in jail, sent a message to Jesus, praising Jesus and asking for confirmation that he was the messiah. Jesus told the messengers, Well, I’ve healed people and raised the dead, but why don’t you stick around for the show and then tell John your opinion? Then he went before the crowd and started expostulating:
So I know many of y’all used to go see John out in the wilderness. Why? To listen to a prophet from God? Or to make fun of the homeless, starving guy? And now you come to see me, who wears always nice threads. Well, I’ll tell you what. Ain’t nobody–no human, anyway–better than John. John is a latter-day Elijah! And he’s been treated like shit. Y’all made fun of him, out there, alone and scrawny in his hair shirt, the bugs and honey clinging to his scraggly beard. Said he was demon-possessed. Didn’t care when he got arrested. And then I come along, and you come to see me, but then you complain I dress too flashy, that I eat too much. That I drink too much. That my friends are no good. Y’all just dumb!
You think I come to heal and cleanse and shit. But woe! Woe to all those who don’t believe me! Woe to entire fucking cities! Woe to Bethsaida and Chorazin, Tyre and Sidon! And woe to you Capernaum! You don’t want me there?! Well fuck you, cuz I will literally see you in hell!
Y’all need to thank God that I’m here. Thank you, Dad, for finally sending me to set these humans straight! Cuz if they listen to me and do what I say, then you’ll be happy and not smite them. Y’all hear me?