Ezekiel 41: Keep pimping

The entrance to the inner Temple should be huge! Like 9 feet high and 7 feet wide. Those double doors will open onto the nave that will lead to the center–the holiest of holies–my own special room!

I want the inner court and Temple wood paneled from floor to ceiling! And the paneling should be carved. The pattern will be a palm tree flanked by two cherubim–because those things are freaky as hell!

The vestibule connecting the inner Temple court to the inner Temple should be covered by a wood awning, and I want palm trees growing everywhere. When you think there are too many palm trees, plant some more!

This building should be three stories high and make sure to leave room for outbuildings.


Ezekiel 40: Pimp my Temple

In the 29th year of exile, God came to me really excited and was all, When the exile ends, I’ll get to have my Temple rebuilt! My new digs will be so awesome. I’m totally gonna pimp my Temple! Let’s go to Jerusalem, so I can show you what I want! As you can see, the new Temple will be huge! And full of windows. At least in the outer court. Helps open the space up. And I want palm trees growing near every gate. Now for the inner court. I needs to be spacious too, and raised above the ground so humans will have to ascend to get to me. Near the main entrance should be the kitchens and altars for the sacrifices. I like my meat clean and very well done. The priests will have two rooms to share. The Temple priests will get the north room and the altar priests will get the south. Make them roomy–about 9 feet by 9 feet. But leave plenty of room for my vestibule!

Ezekiel 37: Holy zombies

God took me to a valley filled with bones–dry bones scattered about after some great battle–and asked, Human, do you think these bones can live again?

I shrugged.

God said, Tell them to live!

So I said, Bones! God commands you to stand up and live! And lo, the bones came together to form skeletons and stood and then flesh grew upon them. But they didn’t breathe.

God said, tell them to breathe!

So I said, God says breathe! And they did.

God said, I will raise Israel back up like I did these skeletons. In that day, all the tribes will unite as one and will be ruled by a new David whom I shall anoint!

Ezekiel 36: The mountains

God told me to prophecy to the mountains and valleys of Israel as though they were alive and could understand, so I said, Oh, mountains and valleys and plains and deserts where the children of Abraham once prospered! All the nations now scorn you, but God will make sure you are fruitful! One day, after God has punished the Jews enough, It will send them back and make Its holy nation great again!

Ezekiel 31: Lament for Pharaoh

Later in the eleventh year of exile, God told me to sing this lament for Pharaoh:

Mr. Big Stuff

Who do you think you are?

Mr. Big Stuff

You’re never gonna get God’s love.

Now because you wear that false beard, oh yeah,

And have a big chariot, Oh yes you do now.

Do you think God will still give you Its love?

You think you’re higher than every star above, oh yeah.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 31: Lament for Pharaoh”

Ezekiel 28: Tyre and Sidon

God was really taken with the destruction of Tyre for some reason. It told me to sing to the king of Tyre:

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

Don’t you? Don’t you?

God also said that It was going to send a plague to destroy Sidon because It decided that It’d just make a clean sweep of it and completely clear everyone out of the Promised Land before It let the Jews return.

Ezekiel 24: No meat or mourning

Toward the end of the  ninth year of exile, God told me to write down that day’s date and show everyone because it was the date that the siege of Jerusalem started. And while I announced this I was sing them a song about how Jerusalem was a cooking pot full of good meat, left on the fire so long that even the pot would burn.

Shortly thereafter, my wife died. But God commanded me not to go into mourning. I wasn’t even allowed to cry. It said, “When people ask you why you aren’t mourning, tell them that you are a sign for how they should act when they hear that the Temple is destroyed. After this, you won’t be able to speak again  until a messenger comes with the news that Jerusalem has fallen.”

Ezekiel 21: Clap and cut

Another time God told me to prophecy against Jerusalem, It said, Go about groaning and moaning loudly and when people ask you what’s wrong tell them that you’re completely horrified at Jerusalem’s fate. At my command, Babylon will destroy the city! Also, be sure to clap while you say all this. And then slash your leg with your sword three times, to represent the three times I have decided to send Babylon against Jerusalem! Yes, seriously! Then people will be so afraid of me they’ll piss themselves!

So did as God commanded, and lo, when I cut my leg, I was barely injured. Tis a miracle!

Ezekiel 20: Judging elders

Did I tell you about the time, in the seventh year of exile, that some elders came to consult with me, and God told me to judge them? God said, Human, judge these men and tell them they’re not worthy! Tell them of Israel’s sins!

So I said to them, I said, God says you are not worthy! You are idolaters like your ancestors! When God brought the Jews out of Egypt, It told us to stop worshiping idols and other Gods. But our ancestors did not! And God thought about smiting them then, but It didn’t because It thought that might look bad and hurt Its reputation. So It gave our ancestors laws and stuff, thinking that might help them worship It right. But not our ancestors! They continued worshiping idols on the side. And God again thought about smiting them, but decided that doing so would probably, definitely hurt Its reputation. So instead It gave us a bunch of bad laws that would make our lives worse. Centuries have passed, and the Jews still worship other gods and idols on the side, and God has had enough! It is breaking up with us and leaving us to our idols! It’s finally going to smite us, reputation be damned!

Oh, and another time, I told everyone that a forest fire would ravage the Negev, and then when word came that it had, everybody was really amazed.