Matthew 19: No divorce and no dough

Jesus went into the wilderness across the Jordan, but people followed him there anyway. So he healed a bunch of people. Some people wanted him to touch their kids for luck, but the groupies yelled at them. So Jesus yelled at the groupies, Never keep a child from coming to me, yo! And he pinched cheeks and hugged babies until their parents took them home.

Then some Pharisees were all, So, Jesus, what do you think about divorce? Jesus was all, Divorce is wrong. It’s right there in Genesis 2: men will leave their families and cleave to their wives. The Pharisees countered, What about Moses? There’s divorce all through the rest of the Torah. Jesus rolled his eyes, and was all, That’s because Moses had no spine and caved to the cravenness of the humans he led. The only reason EVER for divorce is if the wife cheats on her man. Dudes who divorce and remarry are total adulterers.

Afterwards, this rich kid comes up to Jesus and asked, What can I do to get into heaven? Jesus asked, Well, do you follow the Ten Commandments? The kid was all, Yep, got that down. So Jesus sang, Take a small example, take a tip from me. Take all of your money, give it all to charity. Love is what I got. The rich kid’s face fell and he walked away because there was no way he was giving up that dough.

Then Jesus turned to the groupies and was all, Seriously guys, rich people suck. It would be easier for a camel to fit into my pocket that it is for rich people to get into heaven. The groupies were all, Then are we fucked too? But Rocky piped up, No, guys! We quit our jobs and our homes to follow Jesus around! Jesus smiled and was all, When I’m ruling in heaven, y’all will be on 12 thrones right behind me. And everyone else who follows us around will be there too!

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