Amos 7: Woe to those who try to silence critics

Amos told everyone,  God showed me possible futures. First, God showed me a swarm of locusts eating up the harvests and everyone starving. I begged it not to do that to us. So It said It wouldn’t. Then It showed me a wildfire burning up Israel, and again I begged It to please not let that happen. And God said It wouldn’t. Later it showed me a really straight tall wall, and asked, what do you see? And I answered, a wall. And It was, Exactly. This wall means that I will spare Israel no longer. It will be destroyed.

Because Amos went around telling people stuff like this, the priest Amaziah sent a letter complaining to King Jeroboam that Amos was a troublemaker. On the king’s authority, Amaziah told Amos to get the hell out of Israel and go back to Judah. Amos was all, Look, I’m just a shepherd. But God commanded me to come to Israel to tell you all these things. And It tells me I have to stay and continue. So for trying to stop me, God will curse you. Your wife will become a whore and you children will be murdered. Your land will be stolen and you will be sent into exile with the rest of the Israelites.


Amos 6: Woe to the complacent

Woe to the complacent who don’t worry about impending disaster! Who turn blind eyes to the signs of the impending disasters! You say, nothing’s happened yet, so who cares, and continue wallowing in your decadence and luxury! Go! Look at the places that God as destroyed and know who did it!

God says, I absolutely detest your smug pride and I will cause nations to attack and destroy you!

Joel 2: Disaster averted

Joel was all, Seriously guys, the invaders are a black cloud because they’ve burned everything in their wake. When they get here, they’ll burn our little slice of paradise too. So we better pray and beg God, like It wants.

The elders listened to Joel and gathered everyone and they sacrificed and prayed and repented.

So God was appeased and promised to end the drought and make the harvest good and that the invading army would be defeated and turn tail back to the north.

Joel 1: Another prophet

At some point, before both kingdoms fell, this dude named Joel ben Pethuel had a few messages from God to give to the elders:

Be said, alcoholics, because the wine has run out! The foreign invaders are like locusts. Locusts eat everything! They’re like a lioness with way too many teeth.  Everyone needs to cry like women! You better beg God and tell it you’re sorry. Between the invading army and the drought, we’re all fucked!

Daniel 11: The North and South

The angel continued, So look, Dan, there’s only going to be four more Persian kings. That fourth king is going to pick a fight with Greece and lose. Then there will be a mighty Greek king, but his kingdom will get divided up after he dies.

Then there will be a King in the North and a King in the South. They will war, and then attempt to reconcile by marrying a southern princess to the King in the North. Unfortunately, it will be a red wedding and one of her kinsman will arise to seek vengeance. This southron will defeat the North and sack Winterfell. But then the King in the North will rally and invade the South and defeat it. They will continue to fight for generations, but eventually the North will win and that northern king will set himself up as a god.

Daniel 10: Dan sees an angel

In the third year of Cyrus’s reign, Daniel had a vision about an upcoming war or three. He had been depressed and had abstained from drinking or eating flavorful foods or using moisturizers for three whole weeks. One day, he trudged on down to the Tigris to look at the waters. There he saw a man or something that had lightning for a face and bronze for his body and really nice clothes. Daniel fainted. The shiny man woke him up and was all, Don’t be afraid. God loves you. I’m here to tell you about a war between Persia and Greece.

Daniel 5: The writing on the wall

Years after Nebuchadnezzar had died, and Babylon had gone through several kings in quick succession, the last king of Babylon, King Belshazzar, was having a party. He thought that the party was lacking something, though, something special. But then he hit on the idea of having cool dishes, so he ordered that the Temple vessels be cleaned up and used to serve his guests.

The party was hoppin’. The music was rockin’. The concubines were laughing and tugging on the beards of officials. The queen was looking tipsy.  But everything screeched to a halt when a giant disembodied hand manifested and wrote MENE, MENE, TEKEL, PARIAN. No one knew what it meant. The mood was killed. Unimportant guests quietly slinked out. The concubines buzzed back to the harem.  Continue reading “Daniel 5: The writing on the wall”

Ezekiel 34

When the fugitive came with news of Jerusalem’s fall in the twelfth year of exile, God unsealed my lips. I reminded everyone, God made me Israel’s watchman! It is my duty to point out all your sins and crimes! If I do not, I will burn in Sheol with you! Jerusalem has fallen. Those left in Judah, those hillbillies and halfwits out in the mountains and deserts think this is a grand opportunity for them, that all the spoils left in Jerusalem will be theirs! But this is not their time! They too will fall under sword and famine! They too will die!

Ezekiel 28: Tyre and Sidon

God was really taken with the destruction of Tyre for some reason. It told me to sing to the king of Tyre:

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

Don’t you? Don’t you?

God also said that It was going to send a plague to destroy Sidon because It decided that It’d just make a clean sweep of it and completely clear everyone out of the Promised Land before It let the Jews return.