Ezekiel 34

When the fugitive came with news of Jerusalem’s fall in the twelfth year of exile, God unsealed my lips. I reminded everyone, God made me Israel’s watchman! It is my duty to point out all your sins and crimes! If I do not, I will burn in Sheol with you! Jerusalem has fallen. Those left in Judah, those hillbillies and halfwits out in the mountains and deserts think this is a grand opportunity for them, that all the spoils left in Jerusalem will be theirs! But this is not their time! They too will fall under sword and famine! They too will die!

Ezekiel 28: Tyre and Sidon

God was really taken with the destruction of Tyre for some reason. It told me to sing to the king of Tyre:

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

Don’t you? Don’t you?

God also said that It was going to send a plague to destroy Sidon because It decided that It’d just make a clean sweep of it and completely clear everyone out of the Promised Land before It let the Jews return.

Ezekiel 24: No meat or mourning

Toward the end of the  ninth year of exile, God told me to write down that day’s date and show everyone because it was the date that the siege of Jerusalem started. And while I announced this I was sing them a song about how Jerusalem was a cooking pot full of good meat, left on the fire so long that even the pot would burn.

Shortly thereafter, my wife died. But God commanded me not to go into mourning. I wasn’t even allowed to cry. It said, “When people ask you why you aren’t mourning, tell them that you are a sign for how they should act when they hear that the Temple is destroyed. After this, you won’t be able to speak again  until a messenger comes with the news that Jerusalem has fallen.”

Ezekiel 21: Clap and cut

Another time God told me to prophecy against Jerusalem, It said, Go about groaning and moaning loudly and when people ask you what’s wrong tell them that you’re completely horrified at Jerusalem’s fate. At my command, Babylon will destroy the city! Also, be sure to clap while you say all this. And then slash your leg with your sword three times, to represent the three times I have decided to send Babylon against Jerusalem! Yes, seriously! Then people will be so afraid of me they’ll piss themselves!

So did as God commanded, and lo, when I cut my leg, I was barely injured. Tis a miracle!

Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh

God inspired me to write this lamentation about the gradual destruction of the Judean royal family:

In the Negeb, the mighty Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

In the Negeb, the blessed Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh Continue reading “Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh”

Ezekiel 17: An eagle and a cedar, or maybe a vine

God came to me and said, Human, I want you to tell everyone this story, so listen closely so you’ll remember it!

One day this beautiful eagle with rainbow feathers flew to Lebanon and broke off the top of a cedar tree. Then he flew to a prosperous city of merchants and planted that branch in the flood plain, where it grew into a beautiful flourishing grape vine! The eagle was pleased. But then another, bigger, more beautiful eagle came and landed next to the vine, and the fine started growing toward him and giving him all its fruit! So will this vine, torn between the love of two eagles, thrive? Or will it die?

You look confused, human.  Continue reading “Ezekiel 17: An eagle and a cedar, or maybe a vine”

Ezekiel 12: The wall

Another time, God spoke to me, Human, none of your fellow humans listen, so I want you to do this. Pack a bag like you are going into exile again and set it outside your door in the morning so everyone will see it.  Then, in the evening, dig a hole through the city wall and leave through it.

So I packed my bag and set it outside, and soon, people started asking if I was going on a trip or moving, but I just shrugged. But when I started digging a hole through the city wall, people really came to stare. They were all, What are you doing? Are you crazy? Is he crazy? Should we call the guards? Why didn’t he just leave through that gate there earlier? I mean, his bag’s been packed all dally. Must be crazy, right? Continue reading “Ezekiel 12: The wall”

Jeremiah 52: Recap

To review, Zedekiah became king when he was 21 years old and ruled for 11 years. He decided to rebel against Nebuchadnezzar in the ninth year of his reign. Nebuchadnezzar besieged Jerusalem for the next two years. By the end, people were starving. when the walls were finally breached, Zedekiah and his army tried to feel, but they were captured near Jericho.

Nebuchadnezzar made Zedekiah watch as all his sons and officials were put to death, then he ordered his eyes put out and to be chained in with the other prisoners to be force marched to Babylon. There Zedekiah rotted in prison for his remaining years. Continue reading “Jeremiah 52: Recap”