Daniel 11: The North and South

The angel continued, So look, Dan, there’s only going to be four more Persian kings. That fourth king is going to pick a fight with Greece and lose. Then there will be a mighty Greek king, but his kingdom will get divided up after he dies.

Then there will be a King in the North and a King in the South. They will war, and then attempt to reconcile by marrying a southern princess to the King in the North. Unfortunately, it will be a red wedding and one of her kinsman will arise to seek vengeance. This southron will defeat the North and sack Winterfell. But then the King in the North will rally and invade the South and defeat it. They will continue to fight for generations, but eventually the North will win and that northern king will set himself up as a god.

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Daniel 10: Dan sees an angel

In the third year of Cyrus’s reign, Daniel had a vision about an upcoming war or three. He had been depressed and had abstained from drinking or eating flavorful foods or using moisturizers for three whole weeks. One day, he trudged on down to the Tigris to look at the waters. There he saw a man or something that had lightning for a face and bronze for his body and really nice clothes. Daniel fainted. The shiny man woke him up and was all, Don’t be afraid. God loves you. I’m here to tell you about a war between Persia and Greece.

Daniel 5: The writing on the wall

Years after Nebuchadnezzar had died, and Babylon had gone through several kings in quick succession, the last king of Babylon, King Belshazzar, was having a party. He thought that the party was lacking something, though, something special. But then he hit on the idea of having cool dishes, so he ordered that the Temple vessels be cleaned up and used to serve his guests.

The party was hoppin’. The music was rockin’. The concubines were laughing and tugging on the beards of officials. The queen was looking tipsy.  But everything screeched to a halt when a giant disembodied hand manifested and wrote MENE, MENE, TEKEL, PARIAN. No one knew what it meant. The mood was killed. Unimportant guests quietly slinked out. The concubines buzzed back to the harem.  Continue reading “Daniel 5: The writing on the wall”

Ezekiel 34

When the fugitive came with news of Jerusalem’s fall in the twelfth year of exile, God unsealed my lips. I reminded everyone, God made me Israel’s watchman! It is my duty to point out all your sins and crimes! If I do not, I will burn in Sheol with you! Jerusalem has fallen. Those left in Judah, those hillbillies and halfwits out in the mountains and deserts think this is a grand opportunity for them, that all the spoils left in Jerusalem will be theirs! But this is not their time! They too will fall under sword and famine! They too will die!

Ezekiel 28: Tyre and Sidon

God was really taken with the destruction of Tyre for some reason. It told me to sing to the king of Tyre:

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

You’re so vain

I bet you think this war is about you.

Don’t you? Don’t you?

God also said that It was going to send a plague to destroy Sidon because It decided that It’d just make a clean sweep of it and completely clear everyone out of the Promised Land before It let the Jews return.

Ezekiel 24: No meat or mourning

Toward the end of the  ninth year of exile, God told me to write down that day’s date and show everyone because it was the date that the siege of Jerusalem started. And while I announced this I was sing them a song about how Jerusalem was a cooking pot full of good meat, left on the fire so long that even the pot would burn.

Shortly thereafter, my wife died. But God commanded me not to go into mourning. I wasn’t even allowed to cry. It said, “When people ask you why you aren’t mourning, tell them that you are a sign for how they should act when they hear that the Temple is destroyed. After this, you won’t be able to speak again  until a messenger comes with the news that Jerusalem has fallen.”

Ezekiel 21: Clap and cut

Another time God told me to prophecy against Jerusalem, It said, Go about groaning and moaning loudly and when people ask you what’s wrong tell them that you’re completely horrified at Jerusalem’s fate. At my command, Babylon will destroy the city! Also, be sure to clap while you say all this. And then slash your leg with your sword three times, to represent the three times I have decided to send Babylon against Jerusalem! Yes, seriously! Then people will be so afraid of me they’ll piss themselves!

So did as God commanded, and lo, when I cut my leg, I was barely injured. Tis a miracle!

Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh

God inspired me to write this lamentation about the gradual destruction of the Judean royal family:

In the Negeb, the mighty Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

In the Negeb, the blessed Negeb,

a lion suckles cubs.

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh

A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh Continue reading “Ezekiel 19: A-weema-weh”